Tormented

Oh how I love you and hate you the same
I ran away, yet you called my name
I came back for another taste, so delicious
Eyebrows were raised, and my kids were suspicious
They said you were so bad for me, but
I returned to find myself in a rut
So I covered you up and left you again
Then you beckoned to me as a dear old friend
I couldn’t resist you, and how I tried
You’re so sweet and brown. Who cares if you lied?
Oh my god, you make me feel so good
You fill me up like nothing ever could
A little of you leaves me wanting more
I just can’t wait till the next time I’ll score
I try but I can’t keep my hands off you
I’m only human. What can I do?
Now I am forced to live with this pain
I run and sweat. It’s all so insane.

I have to say goodbye. I just have to say...




I just have to say…





















I love you coffee cake, but it ends today.

So you think you're an adult now

What the hell happened? My dog has turned into a total retard. And it only took about a week under the care of a lazy teenager.

When we went on vacation we were packed like sardines into my friend’s SUV. Basically we gave up a whole row of seating, so when I was loading our baggage it got kind of interesting. Like Regina’s son in Minnesota pointed out, it was just like a real life game of Tetris. God, I miss that game. No wonder I had so much fun loading up the luggage. Anyway, back before we left Montana it took me a couple of hours to pack it all in there just right, but in all fairness one of my neighbors stopped to converse during the game. This was the first time we actually said more than just “Hello” to each other, so I think we ended up talking a good hour until it started getting creepy and I learned he was a Kentucky-bred racist and not the innocent peace-loving Veteran I had once thought. The kids came along then and started pestering me. I’ve never been so happy to see them. They probably thought it was really weird to get smiles from me when they so rudely interrupted. What I’m doing here is dragging out the fact that since we barely had room for ourselves, we definitely didn’t have any room for a canine on board. This didn’t become an issue with adopting my sister’s dog though, because she and her husband did a 180 and decided to keep their beloved pet… some time between April and Jessica‘s birthday party.

Back to my pet - I had to hire the most responsible person I knew who was willing to dog sit (and house sit) for cheap. Enter a kid who is always desperate to get away from his place. He has been a friend of the family since he was 10. Now he’s 18 and thinks he’s an adult. I felt he was the best choice under the circumstances. I honestly don’t know anyone else I could trust 100% not to throw parties or drink my beer while we were away. But I knew there was a downside to hiring him. He thinks he can get by in life doing as little as possible. He is nearly always sitting around with his laptop, and gets less sun than a mushroom. He has no desire to go to college. In fact, I think his only plan is to do nothing and mooch off his parents the rest of his life. So… he has until the fall to get a job and pay his parents rent or he’ll be kicked out of the house. When he does ever decide to get a job he wants to live with us and pay me rent in order to escape his family drama. Well, he says his mom wants to take so much of his money he’ll be trapped at home forever. But when we came back from our vacation I soon could see where his parents were coming from...

When we walked into the house the first thing we noticed was an awful smell. Very pungent. I wanted to puke. It turned out it wasn’t him, but dog urine. Apparently there was a day when he was gone too long and didn’t get back in time. So what did he do?! Well, he obviously didn’t clean it up.

Strike one.

In the kitchen I found dirty dishes piled up in and around the sink. Every cup and bowl, all of my pots, and a pile of silverware. You’d think he would have the decency to wash his own dirty dishes?! But again, he chose to leave the work for me.

Strike two.

My dog was so happy to see us. But after the first 24 hours I realized something about her wasn’t right. She looked… so… dumb. She looks incredibly stupid all of the time now. I don’t know what I can do, but just hope that it wears off. And not only does she look like a few pancakes short of a stack, but she is acting like it too. Nearly every time I call her to go outside she just sits there and stares at me, grinning and refusing to move. She’ll slowly come over when it’s potty time but I have to practically push her out the door. All she wants to do is lay around. She used to love being outside, and went out every chance she got. Now she is just like the dog sitter she had looking after her for a week.

Strike three.

Good luck, kid. You’re going to need it. If I were you I’d start by doing everything your parents say. Maybe then, they won’t charge you so much rent.

Why do people care so much about celebrities?

Why do people even give a shit about who is marrying who, who is canoodling who, and who is selling themselves to reality shows because they’ve spent their fortunes on whores, drugs and Gucci? The way celebrities are exalted is sickening enough as it is, but there are people out there who actually care that Madonna and that Guy may be headed for divorce? People care that Hulk Hogan’s son is in jail and his wife left him to bang a toddler? Why do they care? Are they all close personal friends, relatives or on the payroll? If not, I guess there has to be a better explanation…


People like to mock celebrities. I don’t see this occurring nearly enough and quite frankly, it scares me. The average Jane and Joe seem to be getting the subliminal message that they are less of a person because they aren’t rich or appearing on Jay Leno and addicted to better drugs than marijuana. Some are just too busy to take a moment to joke around or at least have a laugh at the expense of a celebrity head currently touring the country.



I'm sorry, who is the star of the movie? I didn't catch his name. And I can totally understand the need for the giant head-on-wheels in order to promote a movie that probably sucks worse than Dr. Dolittle. I guess he really likes his head.

The way our culture reveres these people is ridiculous. Most celebrities are just asking for it. Especially Billy Ray Cyrus and his Frankenstein creation the kids know as Hannah Montana. So please, try taking a few minutes once in a while to point out the funny and the world will be a better place. It doesn’t matter where you are, but some good places are wherever you find magazines with celebrities plastered all over them. In line at the check-out, in a waiting room at a doctor’s office, in your grandma’s bathroom… the list goes on.


People are as stupid as the celebrities they adore. They are in love with the lifestyle and wish they were one of them. They don’t even know Tom Cruise is a robot and Oprah wants us all down on our knees in fervent prayer so she can bless us. Donald Trump is so rich now all he does is fire people. Barbara Walters wants to be remembered as a slut. Rosie O’Donnell wants us all dead so she can finally have room to move freely upon the earth, just like the dinosaurs once did. *Seriously, I need to eventually dive into that Photoshop. Hulk Hogan is the better parent, and that’s when you know a family is doomed.

They are innocent media victims. Celebrities are everywhere now. *Cough* MTV. It used to be when they weren’t performing whatever, you could only see them on early morning or late night shows for a few minutes, and of course in magazines. But times have really evolved. All of the celebrity-driven shows out there can potentially hypnotize the naïve into thinking these people are important. Talent used to be a requirement, but now anybody can be famous if they have the right connections. And eventually they started getting their own shows because they’re so sick of people chasing them with cameras. By the way, does anyone give a shit about Jessica Simpson these days?

My advice would be to run away. That goes double for the celebrities.

Ruining your kid's life begins at birth

Well, if you’re right on top of things you can at least ensure they are raised as ultra-spoiled cretins who are doomed to a life-long battle with drug/alcohol addictions, depression, not fitting into society, or all of the above. But that’s only if you’re leading by example or your kid knows his/her nanny better than they know you…


Usually spam doesn’t annoy me. But it has in the past. I’ve reached the point where I just delete it and don't give it a second thought. It’s like living with someone for so long they eventually get boring and predictable, and aren’t able to grab your attention like they did in the beginning, which is one reason why I like being single (or just alone). But today I got spam from Apple. You know, the company who gave us the iPod. And when I saw the sender’s name, Apple, glaring at me from my inbox the first thing that popped into my head was that Gwyneth Paltrow gave her first born kid that name. Yes, she named her daughter after a fruit. Not to mention she married that guy Chris Martin of Coldplay, the one band whose name I always forgot until they won a Grammy. Now that I’ve looked up this useless info on Wikipedia I’ll probably never forget it. Anyway, the reason I remembered a celebrity kid being named Apple: I saw her announce to the world on Oprah some odd years ago that she picked the name because it was biblical and clean (and that's when I changed the channel).




Look at Eve’s arms. Apparently they had steroids back then. Or some kind of Super Apples…


I’m sorry, but since I like pointing out the obvious… People who think of an apple in biblical terms probably aren’t thinking clean, innocent or wholesome. But they could be thinking of how Eve tempted Adam, how he took the bait, and they were banished from paradise. They could be thinking things like, from that point on (until the hippy movement) men were punished with working for food and women were cursed with pain in childbirth. So for those people, “apple” obviously isn’t going to conjure up nice happy thoughts, unless there is a savior named Apple who gives everyone free pie and/or crisps for eternity with the promise of zero weight gain. I could support that. I would tithe for that shit.

They named their second child Moses, who is probably the biggest star of the Old Testament. It is like a Christian naming their kid Jesus (then again, every other Mexican family has one, so maybe that isn‘t a good comparison). But if you’re going to pick a biblical name, at least pick one that isn’t 2 parts per million. Just some advice if you’re planning to do so. I’ve never heard of a Moses (but I‘ve never lived in the South 100 years ago either). I was starting to doubt his existence, so thanks Martin family for proving it once and for all. The name Moses rocks, and if he wasn’t a sheltered celebrity child he’d probably be pummeled with them daily in the schoolyard. Unless maybe he lived in the South. Then it would just be weekly.

I’m spotlighting this family only because I received that spam email from Apple (the corporation and not the savior). And there is some kind of celebrity movement out there to give kids the most ridiculous names on the planet. They probably hire people to seek out or make up these terrible things, don’t even give it a second thought, and then pay them for services rendered.

These people definitely have a sense of humor.

IDGAS is a fun phrase

Hello, blog grazers and beautiful people out there. Have you been feeling stressed lately? I’m feeling a little bloated thanks to the monthly curse, but other than that I’m good. It’s a beautiful day. The grass is green. It’s sunny, it’s warm, and it’s quiet… at least for the moment. But I know some of you have been feeling kind of tense.
“I don’t give a shit” is a fun phrase.
Say it.
Say it!
Say it with some authority now.
Doesn’t that make you feel better? Try it this way… shorten it up and say it the internet way, IDGAS.

From now on “I don’t give a shit” is going to be my fun phrase for life in general. Because seriously, if I were normally a serious person, life wouldn’t be any fun and I’d be dead in about ten years just from the stress of taking life too seriously. I’ll still give a shit when it’s necessary, but I’m talking about the small stuff here. I’m happy not sweating it.

I’m sure my new phrase will come in handy. I used to shrug my shoulders when life grabbed me by the nips and twisted, or more realistically, whenever something mildly annoying was thrown my way. But shrugging my shoulders like a trained chimp wasn‘t any fun, and that‘s the whole point. So I’ve given this a little bit of thought. Here are some situations when I could use my new fun phrase IDGAS.

When my co-workers do stupid things because they are stupid and I end up having to do more work because of their stupidity… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I get paid for the extra time I spend working because of their stupidity. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, suckers who work with me that went to Special Ed. back in school and still think you’re special.

When the price of gasoline gets so outrageously high that I won’t be able to drive anymore because the price of milk is always higher and more important to have because it‘s milk… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I have legs, and feet. That’s right, I can walk or pedal a bike. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, greedy executives and countries who sell oil and don‘t give a shit about the consumer.

If someone even more influential than Tom Hanks (who recently endorsed Barack Obama) comes out to shock the nation and endorse John McCain for President… IDGAS. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, whoever might have the balls to put their entire reputation on the line for another four years of the same old same-old. Well, we already know it won’t be Charlton Heston.

If the government ever tries to take away our right to bear arms… IDGAS. And IDGAS because even if it happens in other states, it won’t happen in Montana. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, people who think that slowly stripping away our rights and over-regulating us is going to make our world a better place.

When life throws you a hit, just don't give a shit. Turn it around. Don't fall to the ground. My rhyme is done. Now go have some fun.

My summer plans include something big this year

When most of my family was here visiting I was in the kitchen and my brother-in-law came along. Out of the blue he started talking about my dog. He told me how well-behaved she was, and asked me how old she was. I told him she was two and it took a few months to train her. Then he asked me point blank if I’d take my sister’s 3-yr-old dog for them. They didn’t bring Monty with them so I had no idea what to expect, other than he is very cute in the pictures I have. I told him I’d think about it, and he went on to tell me Monty is a good dog and he would love it out here. The only negative thing he said was that he liked to scratch on the door. I quickly got the feeling this guy has never owned a dog before and was maybe expecting him to be something like this:




I considered that my brother-in-law has been making renovations in their house since not long after they bought it a few years ago, and who knows when they‘ll call it done. It would be a good thing to get a family pool going on since the poker games are few and far between. Anyway, I figured the wear-and-tear factor could have something to do with my brother-in-law wanting to get rid of the dog. Now, I don’t want to take away a pet from my sister that she loves, so I asked her about it. She unhappily told me Monty had to go. That just left me confused. Especially when she said she’d trained him to obey hand signals.


This was Monty two years ago.

I thought about it for as long as I could, which was about a day. I wanted to give them an answer before they left. I was basically just a dancing puppet with my family pulling the strings. I thought about how my dog could use a canine companion. And if Monty eventually got put to sleep I’d get over it, but it would probably haunt my sister the rest of her life. So I told them I’d do it. I vowed to come up some time this summer on vacation and adopt Monty.

Later that day I was talking to one of my brothers and told him the news. He said Monty was stupid, and my dog was smart. Instead of wondering if I’d made the right decision after all, I chose to feel good about someone other than a neighbor who compliments my hair calling my dog “smart”. My oldest son has been calling my dog “stupid” in a loving way for the past year.

When I told my kids about my plan, all but one of them was happy. Unfortunately, when I’d mentioned earlier to my oldest son in a “ha ha” and I-told-you-so-way that my brother called my dog smart, I let the part slip out about him saying Monty was stupid. Where is the duct tape when I need it on my mouth?

The day the family reunion officially ended and they all hit the road, I called my dad. What do you know, he was taking care of Monty for them while they were away. And he didn’t have anything good to say.

Uh oh.

When my ex found out we’re getting another dog, he asked me if I’d take one of his dogs too. I found it extremely easy to say, “No.”

The dumbest thing I've heard to date

I love it whenever I hear a theory from some one who has no idea what they are talking about, and yet they believe in their own uneducated opinion 100%. I’m sure you know at least one person who thinks they have all of the answers but they say the dumbest things.

They are a walking encyclopedia of stupid, but they take themselves seriously.

Recently during a conversation with some one they told me that “smoking pot makes people cold hearted”…
…

What?

It’s been years since I’ve smoked a bowl so the first thing I wondered was, what brought this up? It just came up out of the blue, really, so it had me wondering if this person maybe thinks I’m into the stuff. Then I thought, nah, maybe this person just thinks I’m cold hearted. That would make more sense. So I kept quiet and listened for awhile as I was informed (by some one who knows everything) how people who smoke weed are uncaring, unfeeling, and downright cold hearted because that’s what marijuana does.

???

Forget everything you’ve learned about herbage from Half-Baked, Cheech & Chong, or even your own personal use. What are giggle fits? What are the munchies? This is big news right here - cutting edge information. I’m not just sharing this for my own satisfaction! You have the right to know these things.

“Smoking weed will steal your heart away. Hey hey hey.”

If Simon & Garfunkel can’t be trusted, who can?

You poor potheads, just look what you’ve done to yourselves. You’ve turned your souls into evil, heartless wastes of space.

Some one please save her from the evil!

Some one please save the city!

Some one please make them care!

If you like to toke and have young ones, avoid Nick Jr.’s Yo Gabba show at all costs. Be warned, it will make your doped up heads explode. Literally.