Ruining your kid's life begins at birth

Well, if you’re right on top of things you can at least ensure they are raised as ultra-spoiled cretins who are doomed to a life-long battle with drug/alcohol addictions, depression, not fitting into society, or all of the above. But that’s only if you’re leading by example or your kid knows his/her nanny better than they know you…


Usually spam doesn’t annoy me. But it has in the past. I’ve reached the point where I just delete it and don't give it a second thought. It’s like living with someone for so long they eventually get boring and predictable, and aren’t able to grab your attention like they did in the beginning, which is one reason why I like being single (or just alone). But today I got spam from Apple. You know, the company who gave us the iPod. And when I saw the sender’s name, Apple, glaring at me from my inbox the first thing that popped into my head was that Gwyneth Paltrow gave her first born kid that name. Yes, she named her daughter after a fruit. Not to mention she married that guy Chris Martin of Coldplay, the one band whose name I always forgot until they won a Grammy. Now that I’ve looked up this useless info on Wikipedia I’ll probably never forget it. Anyway, the reason I remembered a celebrity kid being named Apple: I saw her announce to the world on Oprah some odd years ago that she picked the name because it was biblical and clean (and that's when I changed the channel).




Look at Eve’s arms. Apparently they had steroids back then. Or some kind of Super Apples…


I’m sorry, but since I like pointing out the obvious… People who think of an apple in biblical terms probably aren’t thinking clean, innocent or wholesome. But they could be thinking of how Eve tempted Adam, how he took the bait, and they were banished from paradise. They could be thinking things like, from that point on (until the hippy movement) men were punished with working for food and women were cursed with pain in childbirth. So for those people, “apple” obviously isn’t going to conjure up nice happy thoughts, unless there is a savior named Apple who gives everyone free pie and/or crisps for eternity with the promise of zero weight gain. I could support that. I would tithe for that shit.

They named their second child Moses, who is probably the biggest star of the Old Testament. It is like a Christian naming their kid Jesus (then again, every other Mexican family has one, so maybe that isn‘t a good comparison). But if you’re going to pick a biblical name, at least pick one that isn’t 2 parts per million. Just some advice if you’re planning to do so. I’ve never heard of a Moses (but I‘ve never lived in the South 100 years ago either). I was starting to doubt his existence, so thanks Martin family for proving it once and for all. The name Moses rocks, and if he wasn’t a sheltered celebrity child he’d probably be pummeled with them daily in the schoolyard. Unless maybe he lived in the South. Then it would just be weekly.

I’m spotlighting this family only because I received that spam email from Apple (the corporation and not the savior). And there is some kind of celebrity movement out there to give kids the most ridiculous names on the planet. They probably hire people to seek out or make up these terrible things, don’t even give it a second thought, and then pay them for services rendered.

These people definitely have a sense of humor.