Twisted News: Drug Counselor Tells Celebs, "Just Die Already"

Bebe Maker
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Celebrity patients undergoing treatment for substance abuse in Hollywood, CA were beside themselves when their counselor told them to, “Just die, already. Please. All of you. Just keel over and die.”

Web-certified (self-proclaimed) rehabilitation expert Simi Ragg says she was at the end of her “long, long, waaay too ffffing long assed rope” with the celebs, now her ex-patients.

“I had to kick them out of my program. You can only do so much talk therapy with these losers,” Ragg sputtered. “I thought I had a good group here. In the beginning they agreed they were insecure, greedy dumb shits who had lost all control. And I told them regularly how sad and pathetic their self-centered, woe-is-me attitudes and reckless behaviors were- and how if they continued to want all of the time they were going to get… it!”

Ragg continued, “Like I said they started on the right track. I don’t know how, why or exactly when it happened but I ended up with a room full of whining pussies and boasting idiots. What am I supposed to say when all they can talk about is how badly they need to get lit? Or their last high, and how great it was to crash into a ffffing embankment and cheat death on a bottle of Demerol? That’s loony speak.”

Note from Bebe: It was then I looked at my watch and raised a brow, noting aloud it was almost 4:00, as if I had to leave immediately and rush home to my children. Ragg saw right through me, and rambled on for what seemed like hours.

“I couldn’t imagine telling them, ‘Just live, already. Keep right on living and breathing cocaine. Keep teaching the youth who idolize you that if it isn’t dope, it isn’t chill.’ ”

“The world thinks every artist is nothing more than a walking medicine cabinet or a pissing bum in sharp threads, thanks to those boneheads. So I couldn’t tell them to keep on living. I can’t promote a DUI or insulting the Jews. That would be sarcasm- something I’m just not capable of pulling off. I’m too sincere… I’m very serious about my work.”

Although Simi Ragg’s ex-patients are celebrities, this particular group would like to remain anonymous for now. A few are working on their stories and should have them in print within months. Others will slowly but surely make appearances on reality TV. The remainder plan to, “keep bangin’ and livin’ it up till we OD, like the Ragg lady told us to.”

As for Simi Ragg, she has already fled the country. Rumor has it she’s bleeding in a cave somewhere near the Pakistani border.

Why do people care so much about celebrities?

Why do people even give a shit about who is marrying who, who is canoodling who, and who is selling themselves to reality shows because they’ve spent their fortunes on whores, drugs and Gucci? The way celebrities are exalted is sickening enough as it is, but there are people out there who actually care that Madonna and that Guy may be headed for divorce? People care that Hulk Hogan’s son is in jail and his wife left him to bang a toddler? Why do they care? Are they all close personal friends, relatives or on the payroll? If not, I guess there has to be a better explanation…


People like to mock celebrities. I don’t see this occurring nearly enough and quite frankly, it scares me. The average Jane and Joe seem to be getting the subliminal message that they are less of a person because they aren’t rich or appearing on Jay Leno and addicted to better drugs than marijuana. Some are just too busy to take a moment to joke around or at least have a laugh at the expense of a celebrity head currently touring the country.



I'm sorry, who is the star of the movie? I didn't catch his name. And I can totally understand the need for the giant head-on-wheels in order to promote a movie that probably sucks worse than Dr. Dolittle. I guess he really likes his head.

The way our culture reveres these people is ridiculous. Most celebrities are just asking for it. Especially Billy Ray Cyrus and his Frankenstein creation the kids know as Hannah Montana. So please, try taking a few minutes once in a while to point out the funny and the world will be a better place. It doesn’t matter where you are, but some good places are wherever you find magazines with celebrities plastered all over them. In line at the check-out, in a waiting room at a doctor’s office, in your grandma’s bathroom… the list goes on.


People are as stupid as the celebrities they adore. They are in love with the lifestyle and wish they were one of them. They don’t even know Tom Cruise is a robot and Oprah wants us all down on our knees in fervent prayer so she can bless us. Donald Trump is so rich now all he does is fire people. Barbara Walters wants to be remembered as a slut. Rosie O’Donnell wants us all dead so she can finally have room to move freely upon the earth, just like the dinosaurs once did. *Seriously, I need to eventually dive into that Photoshop. Hulk Hogan is the better parent, and that’s when you know a family is doomed.

They are innocent media victims. Celebrities are everywhere now. *Cough* MTV. It used to be when they weren’t performing whatever, you could only see them on early morning or late night shows for a few minutes, and of course in magazines. But times have really evolved. All of the celebrity-driven shows out there can potentially hypnotize the naïve into thinking these people are important. Talent used to be a requirement, but now anybody can be famous if they have the right connections. And eventually they started getting their own shows because they’re so sick of people chasing them with cameras. By the way, does anyone give a shit about Jessica Simpson these days?

My advice would be to run away. That goes double for the celebrities.