I might have a good luck charm after all

I was looking at vacation photos a few days ago, and I noticed something in this one picture (in addition to the fact that St. Paul’s East Side is so scary now you never walk alone)...



I’m on the far left (in the photo and not politically speaking). You might think I’m going to point out the fact that I have no ass, or that my relatives are practically midgets. But the truth is when I first saw this I was thinking how much my aunt (middle) resembles a troll doll. Remember those toys from the 80’s? They were all the rage for a few seconds. And my aunt can handle being teased so I’m going to run with this. I’m not one to like to stop once I get started anyway. So I was thinking how cool it is to be related to a troll doll, because they are rumored to bring you good luck. I think you’re supposed to rub their hair, but in the case of real live troll dolls I think just being related counts. Here are the facts:

· My engine fire was eventually going to happen due to the gas leak, and it could’ve happened out in the middle of nowhere on I-94 on our way to Minnesota. Instead it happened in town at a shop with a fire extinguisher nearby. That’s good luck.

· I could’ve been out hundreds of dollars going through Enterprise or some other rental place that feigns customer service (that’s another story I prefer to forget) but one of my friends loaned us her SUV for cheap. That’s not friendship per say. It was luck she was in a bind at the right moment in time.

· My sister and her husband decided to keep their dog I had planned on adopting, which made our previous agreement null and void. This saved me from having to be the one to tear up the invisible contract (we didn’t have room in the SUV for him). Since I like to keep my word (I try) this saved me from having to break my promise. No one wants to be the most hated person in any one family, and I could’ve been. Whew, that was close. Thank goodness one of my uncles still holds the title.

· When I was kayaking for the first time in something that was basically an oversized bath toy, I didn’t flip over and drown. That is some luck. Yes I can swim. Just hear me out. I happen to believe if you fall into deep water with a life vest on, you won’t be able to swim to save your life. The life vest gets in the way and keeps you from being able to move in the water like a normal person, or an otter. You’re just a buoy. Eventually you’ll wear yourself out trying to stay afloat by constantly kicking your legs and feet. Then you’ll get a leg cramp. Meanwhile, the vest has been slowly filling with water as it’s been used so many times by other lake goers it has holes in it that aren’t visible to the naked eye, so you sink and drown. I know it’s irrational, but I dare you to try it sometime. *Disclaimer: I never said that.* Not to mention the lake was so full of weeds they were practically poking up past the surface. They’d probably speed up the drowning process by a good 95%. And I could just imagine trying to climb back into the kayak and then flipping my buddy right into the water with me. At least I wouldn’t drown alone. That’s a plus. By the way, none of this has anything to do with me flipping over in a canoe on a field trip when I was a kid.

So now that I’ve thanked my aunt for giving me all of this good luck, I want to kick it up a notch.

When I was four and learned how to write words that were kind of spelled correctly (not really), my aunt lived right next door to us. She came over quite often and inspired me to write a song one day. It went just like this:

“What’s the matter with you
What’s the matter with you
What’s the matter with you
Because, I just want to know”

It’s far from creative, but at least I learned at an early age I wasn’t going to make it as a songstress (new word - it’s like seamstress only it’s not). I can’t sew either, and that’s why it just… makes sense.

So you think you're an adult now

What the hell happened? My dog has turned into a total retard. And it only took about a week under the care of a lazy teenager.

When we went on vacation we were packed like sardines into my friend’s SUV. Basically we gave up a whole row of seating, so when I was loading our baggage it got kind of interesting. Like Regina’s son in Minnesota pointed out, it was just like a real life game of Tetris. God, I miss that game. No wonder I had so much fun loading up the luggage. Anyway, back before we left Montana it took me a couple of hours to pack it all in there just right, but in all fairness one of my neighbors stopped to converse during the game. This was the first time we actually said more than just “Hello” to each other, so I think we ended up talking a good hour until it started getting creepy and I learned he was a Kentucky-bred racist and not the innocent peace-loving Veteran I had once thought. The kids came along then and started pestering me. I’ve never been so happy to see them. They probably thought it was really weird to get smiles from me when they so rudely interrupted. What I’m doing here is dragging out the fact that since we barely had room for ourselves, we definitely didn’t have any room for a canine on board. This didn’t become an issue with adopting my sister’s dog though, because she and her husband did a 180 and decided to keep their beloved pet… some time between April and Jessica‘s birthday party.

Back to my pet - I had to hire the most responsible person I knew who was willing to dog sit (and house sit) for cheap. Enter a kid who is always desperate to get away from his place. He has been a friend of the family since he was 10. Now he’s 18 and thinks he’s an adult. I felt he was the best choice under the circumstances. I honestly don’t know anyone else I could trust 100% not to throw parties or drink my beer while we were away. But I knew there was a downside to hiring him. He thinks he can get by in life doing as little as possible. He is nearly always sitting around with his laptop, and gets less sun than a mushroom. He has no desire to go to college. In fact, I think his only plan is to do nothing and mooch off his parents the rest of his life. So… he has until the fall to get a job and pay his parents rent or he’ll be kicked out of the house. When he does ever decide to get a job he wants to live with us and pay me rent in order to escape his family drama. Well, he says his mom wants to take so much of his money he’ll be trapped at home forever. But when we came back from our vacation I soon could see where his parents were coming from...

When we walked into the house the first thing we noticed was an awful smell. Very pungent. I wanted to puke. It turned out it wasn’t him, but dog urine. Apparently there was a day when he was gone too long and didn’t get back in time. So what did he do?! Well, he obviously didn’t clean it up.

Strike one.

In the kitchen I found dirty dishes piled up in and around the sink. Every cup and bowl, all of my pots, and a pile of silverware. You’d think he would have the decency to wash his own dirty dishes?! But again, he chose to leave the work for me.

Strike two.

My dog was so happy to see us. But after the first 24 hours I realized something about her wasn’t right. She looked… so… dumb. She looks incredibly stupid all of the time now. I don’t know what I can do, but just hope that it wears off. And not only does she look like a few pancakes short of a stack, but she is acting like it too. Nearly every time I call her to go outside she just sits there and stares at me, grinning and refusing to move. She’ll slowly come over when it’s potty time but I have to practically push her out the door. All she wants to do is lay around. She used to love being outside, and went out every chance she got. Now she is just like the dog sitter she had looking after her for a week.

Strike three.

Good luck, kid. You’re going to need it. If I were you I’d start by doing everything your parents say. Maybe then, they won’t charge you so much rent.