Twisted News: Captain's Lawsuit Fails

Ima Maroon

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Judge Play Land threw out Captain Caveman’s complaint on Wednesday against the legendary animated comic hero, Superman, saying it was, “a lawsuit a grade-schooler could find irony in.”

Play Land also noted the litigation has fueled the small but loud “birther movement” against Superman, and described it as, “nothing but a stack of rhetoric covered in poo gravy.”

Caveman filed the complaint as an effort to club Superman’s orders for the Captain to deploy to an animated version of Iraq.




Caveman’s logic for shirking orders is based on it’s claim that since Superman was never born on the planet Krypton he is a phony, and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to commandeer.

Caveman issued this written statement in advance:

Caveman’s proof includes it’s strong belief that if Superman were actually born on the planet Krypton, he wouldn’t have a deadly allergic reaction to kryptonite. It makes no sense whatsoever. How can something on his own planet- with basically the same name- send the ‘man of steel’ spiraling tragically into a death roll? That I’d have to see to believe, but he won’t put on a demonstration. What is he hiding?

Caveman also believes Superman has used 39 aliases, all stolen from other animated characters.

Caveman itself spoke to us for a moment before entering the court room. “If Superjerk win, terrorist win; no way me gonna win game of Club, Gun, Bomb!”

In response to that Superman said, “Caveman is a cartoon character. It will be up against other cartoons and cannot be exterminated. It has nothing to worry about. What a jackass.”

As Play Land ruled against Caveman, she also had this to say, “Unlike in ‘Alice in Wonderland’, simply saying something is so doesn’t make it so.”

She then ordered Caveman to, “Go to hell. I mean, Iraq.”
　

My Thoughts on the VMA Show

Music Video Awards makes a lot more sense than Video Music Awards… Aren’t they called music videos, or is that so totally 80’s?

I almost didn’t watch after turning on the Pre Show and seeing Taylor Swift arrive in a Cinderella carriage. I think it says a lot about how most famous under-talented musicians view themselves. Then I read on Twitter last night Green Day had won something- I decided to try and sit through it. It gets more difficult every year, pretending to be a teenager. Even worse- my MTV, or what barely passes as a cable company, was on a serious time delay of some hours (probably for censorship reasons, since the show was censored, ******* bull****!). So it didn’t even start until 10:00 or 10:30 MST and went on forever (like this). I documented my evil observations and eventually got some time to type it up so, whatever. Work sucks.

Madonna, Key Note Speaker: She got entirely too much mic time. In her babblings I heard something about a witch hunt against MJ… she went on to slam herself and everyone else for abandoning him. After seeing Janet I really hoped she would find her and attack (maybe a nip would pop out and hit her in the eye) just because her BS was so over the top while here she was, playing a serious role. Then again, she might enjoy being roughed up. Final thoughts: There’s really no point in nip-slapping unless they’re both into angry lesbian sex. Some things I just don’t want to know.

Russell Brand, Host: Not a bit funny without a good script and director on his ass. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Not a bit funny except in that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. For the record I haven’t seen his other work, but he made me yawn last night. I wonder if I’m the first woman to actually say that last part.

Cinderf***ingella: She wouldn’t be there without the masses of little girls who were first brainwashed by Disney into thinking Miley Cyrus is talented. Hannah Montana lowered the bar for her, so I’d be surprised if some day a sex tape doesn’t surface, compliments of Katy Perry (someone needs to hold the camera). Wait. What?

Kanye West, Auto-Tune King: Although what he did to Taylor Swift made me laugh out loud, it has to be the crappiest thing anyone has ever done in all of TV award show history. I still don’t like his music and like him even less as a person now but damn it, I have to give him some ‘instant ego deflation’ points for taking her down such a huge notch in literally seconds. And the look on Beyonce’s face. Ha. Perhaps she was thinking, Oh F no! You didn’t just let the world know I think I’m better than Taylor Swift! Well truthfully, she is.

Green Day: They won Best Rock Video and for a moment I felt like anything was possible. Maybe Swift would sneak a ‘FU Kanye’ into her performance, gain instant favor with the far, way-over-there right and become Glenn Beck’s top pick for the race in 2012. Or McCain’s next VP choice (he isn’t dead yet).

Lady Ga Ga: In all of her attention whore glory, out-doing Madonna’s past costumes and moves, she even raped a piano at one point… but I just can’t hate her because she loves the gays. She still has to learn some day that she’s not a baby, and change that ridiculous name.

Okay, don’t ask me how I survived most of it, especially the Jackson Memorial book ends (he is gone, can we just accept it?). I think it had to be…

The Eminem-Morgan Show: And near the end when they brought in Cyndi Lauper I nearly hit the floor. But please, someone give Tracy his VMA so this won’t be revisited again next year… unless (of course) Phil Collins can be persuaded to make an appearance.

So, after Lady Ga Ga Goo Goo it finally got to that point- I assumed I wasn’t going to see any acts worth watching. Then wa-lah, Green Day took the stage. For a few awesome minutes, everything was right in the world.

Beyonce: What can I say? I love this woman, only because I’ve always aspired (wished) to look just like her. I’ve already got the hair. Remember the way it poofed while she was busting a gut? I can make mine do that. So it’s clear nature gave me a good start. All I’d need is the right amount of steroid, boob inserts and a high-quality spray-on tan… wow, I’m turning myself on just thinking of all the guys I will turn on, in theory.

Kanye, Forever and Ever: Yes, the entire world is sick of him now. And yet he appears again, to open his mouth, oblivious as to why the crowd is booing when he mentions himself… How big can one ego get? I think we just found out.

Pink: The acrobatics were refreshing and the only reason I paid any attention. And it really brought home the point that the show was a circus. Then, looking at her- no boobs whatsoever, more muscular than your average dude, starting shit with Kanye on Twitter… I think someone could be getting a good daily helping of steroids. Of course I don’t want to know but I tend to think normally she smells like rotten eggs and sweat. I also don’t know how I got most of this based on her looks. Hmm…

The rest, I don’t care to recall. Is it way too late for a Woah oh oh, oh oh oh? Good. I was sick to death of that song months ago.

Twisted News: Drug Counselor Tells Celebs, "Just Die Already"

Bebe Maker
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Celebrity patients undergoing treatment for substance abuse in Hollywood, CA were beside themselves when their counselor told them to, “Just die, already. Please. All of you. Just keel over and die.”

Web-certified (self-proclaimed) rehabilitation expert Simi Ragg says she was at the end of her “long, long, waaay too ffffing long assed rope” with the celebs, now her ex-patients.

“I had to kick them out of my program. You can only do so much talk therapy with these losers,” Ragg sputtered. “I thought I had a good group here. In the beginning they agreed they were insecure, greedy dumb shits who had lost all control. And I told them regularly how sad and pathetic their self-centered, woe-is-me attitudes and reckless behaviors were- and how if they continued to want all of the time they were going to get… it!”

Ragg continued, “Like I said they started on the right track. I don’t know how, why or exactly when it happened but I ended up with a room full of whining pussies and boasting idiots. What am I supposed to say when all they can talk about is how badly they need to get lit? Or their last high, and how great it was to crash into a ffffing embankment and cheat death on a bottle of Demerol? That’s loony speak.”

Note from Bebe: It was then I looked at my watch and raised a brow, noting aloud it was almost 4:00, as if I had to leave immediately and rush home to my children. Ragg saw right through me, and rambled on for what seemed like hours.

“I couldn’t imagine telling them, ‘Just live, already. Keep right on living and breathing cocaine. Keep teaching the youth who idolize you that if it isn’t dope, it isn’t chill.’ ”

“The world thinks every artist is nothing more than a walking medicine cabinet or a pissing bum in sharp threads, thanks to those boneheads. So I couldn’t tell them to keep on living. I can’t promote a DUI or insulting the Jews. That would be sarcasm- something I’m just not capable of pulling off. I’m too sincere… I’m very serious about my work.”

Although Simi Ragg’s ex-patients are celebrities, this particular group would like to remain anonymous for now. A few are working on their stories and should have them in print within months. Others will slowly but surely make appearances on reality TV. The remainder plan to, “keep bangin’ and livin’ it up till we OD, like the Ragg lady told us to.”

As for Simi Ragg, she has already fled the country. Rumor has it she’s bleeding in a cave somewhere near the Pakistani border.