Eddie Murphy & Madonna, some new thoughts

I recall blogging about Eddie Murphy last year, after he was interviewed by Al Roker and said he plans a return to stand-up comedy. That tickled me. I was a fan in the 80’s so of course I’m rooting for the Murphster to bounce back. He’s not a washed-up has-been!





To be fair he said he had movie commitments to attend to first. That was his global warning we should brace ourselves. Luckily my kids didn’t want to meet Dave. They’ve already met Dr. Do Little and in their defense, they were under the influence of helium and sugar-8-balls and it was like… 10 years ago. Hell, some of them weren’t even born yet.

Take heed if you have little girls. In the near future you may be dragged cursing to a theater near you. The three of us (in theory I’m little too) have seen his latest trailer, and the only career that could benefit from this is that of his young female co-star. My girls want to see it so I’m already mentally preparing… to pass this one off on their father.

I want to believe he’ll make a triumphant comeback via live stage and a tour. I’m just concerned the utter embarrassment of promoting Meet Dave made him sputter absurdities. Like I’ve said before, I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him perform stand-up. And I’d still like to hit her so hard I’d send her back to Sean Penn. But seriously, that isn’t even remotely possible.

Since their brief, crazy stint together in the 80’s (after the drugs she slipped into his drinks wore off) she’s been screwed by enough guys to populate an entire country. That country could be called… Madashell.

When I was a teenager there were a lot of sluts and dirty-dogs in my neighborhood who thought AIDS was a charitable organization. Due to it still being a threat 20 years later I can only assume this ignorance lives on in the minds of some trashy white people. Sean Penn was never one of them.

So… what’s/who’s the next A-Rod? After Madonna has regurgitated every jock in every nation with a team she’ll be forced to relocate to a smaller, dumber country than the one she’s already stolen 1 child away from (they’re on to her now). She’ll steal a castle or have one built, and every night a new baby will be brought in for dinner… An unsuspecting and well-hung bloke for dessert. She’ll find a way to live forever. In 2100 she’ll have already exhausted every species in the animal kingdom and will move on to rare auto parts.

Since Eddie Murphy was probably mad-bangin’ her post-Penn, I blame Madonna for his musical contributions. Wait, did I say ‘musical’? I meant WTF, and why did the radio stations play his crappy songs? She liked to party all the time. See, it just makes sense. Well, not really. Nothing in pop culture makes sense - the 80’s weren’t much different. And because nearly every girl aged 7-17 dressed up like, emulated and worshipped her… And boys from 7 to 71 wanted to do her… Well let’s just say Oprah still dreams one day she’ll have that kind of power.

Miley Cyrus has said Madonna is her idol/role model. I think that’s as good a reason as any for the masses to boycott Hannah Montana. But why stop there when you can get a bulldozer and crush every CD bearing the name Cyrus? Remember The Dixie Chicks backlash? Think of it as a chance to right the wrongs of the past, America.

The End…

Or is it? Will Eddie Murphy return to comedy? Will Madonna die from AIDS?

Barack isn't just Biden his time

It’s hard to believe it’s finally over. And I was surprised we had a clear winner on election night. No hanging cads, lawsuits, or turning to relatives who just happen to be governing a contested state. Jeb who? Exactly.

In fact, right after Obama won I had mentally prepared myself for the Republicans to come back with a big, “Oh no you didn’t!”

Thank God that didn’t happen. Everyone hates it when the rich try to act ghetto.

It was an exciting night, and refreshing to see so many happy faces on TV. Well, except for Oprah.

And Sarah Palin. For some reason I expected her to grab the mike after John McCain’s thoughtful speech and say, “It’s not over yet America. We haven’t even made it to the swimsuit competition!”

Maybe it was the tears in her eyes, I don’t know.

Now that we have a new President working in the wings and giving the world hope, I couldn’t help but notice this past week the minorities have been out and about. It’s cool that they’ve come out of hiding.

There is only one Asian guy in my town. Just one. Sad but true. Welcome to Central Montana. He is a friendly and nice guy and everyone likes him but he’s very soft spoken. So I couldn’t believe what I witnessed in the grocery store the other day. He was standing at the meat counter, literally yelling his order to the butcher, “Yes! Three pounds! Ground beef! Thank you very much!”

It’s heartwarming to see such confidence. I assume this is taking place all over America and Kenya. It’s too bad we can’t bottle up this morale, put a big bow on it, and give it to Bush as a going away present.

Why do people care so much about celebrities?

Why do people even give a shit about who is marrying who, who is canoodling who, and who is selling themselves to reality shows because they’ve spent their fortunes on whores, drugs and Gucci? The way celebrities are exalted is sickening enough as it is, but there are people out there who actually care that Madonna and that Guy may be headed for divorce? People care that Hulk Hogan’s son is in jail and his wife left him to bang a toddler? Why do they care? Are they all close personal friends, relatives or on the payroll? If not, I guess there has to be a better explanation…


People like to mock celebrities. I don’t see this occurring nearly enough and quite frankly, it scares me. The average Jane and Joe seem to be getting the subliminal message that they are less of a person because they aren’t rich or appearing on Jay Leno and addicted to better drugs than marijuana. Some are just too busy to take a moment to joke around or at least have a laugh at the expense of a celebrity head currently touring the country.



I'm sorry, who is the star of the movie? I didn't catch his name. And I can totally understand the need for the giant head-on-wheels in order to promote a movie that probably sucks worse than Dr. Dolittle. I guess he really likes his head.

The way our culture reveres these people is ridiculous. Most celebrities are just asking for it. Especially Billy Ray Cyrus and his Frankenstein creation the kids know as Hannah Montana. So please, try taking a few minutes once in a while to point out the funny and the world will be a better place. It doesn’t matter where you are, but some good places are wherever you find magazines with celebrities plastered all over them. In line at the check-out, in a waiting room at a doctor’s office, in your grandma’s bathroom… the list goes on.


People are as stupid as the celebrities they adore. They are in love with the lifestyle and wish they were one of them. They don’t even know Tom Cruise is a robot and Oprah wants us all down on our knees in fervent prayer so she can bless us. Donald Trump is so rich now all he does is fire people. Barbara Walters wants to be remembered as a slut. Rosie O’Donnell wants us all dead so she can finally have room to move freely upon the earth, just like the dinosaurs once did. *Seriously, I need to eventually dive into that Photoshop. Hulk Hogan is the better parent, and that’s when you know a family is doomed.

They are innocent media victims. Celebrities are everywhere now. *Cough* MTV. It used to be when they weren’t performing whatever, you could only see them on early morning or late night shows for a few minutes, and of course in magazines. But times have really evolved. All of the celebrity-driven shows out there can potentially hypnotize the naïve into thinking these people are important. Talent used to be a requirement, but now anybody can be famous if they have the right connections. And eventually they started getting their own shows because they’re so sick of people chasing them with cameras. By the way, does anyone give a shit about Jessica Simpson these days?

My advice would be to run away. That goes double for the celebrities.

King interviews Mrs. Obama

Welcome. If you missed King interviews a moody O.J. you can purchase a copy of this very short but inspiring headache at our online store for only a few hundred dollars. What a bargain! You get O.J. and myself in a rare interview without commercial interruption or a goofy intro. And best of all, for every copy sold I get a night of peaceful sleep without a gang of armed thugs breaking into my house to pillage my hard earned cash-stash, which I keep in my detachable robotic arm. By 2020 I should be a full fledged robot. I swear I couldn’t do this job without my pills. Tonight we have a horriterrific lineup that will be broken up into parts because we will run out of time. All of these lovely ladies wanted to be here on the same night because, well, they are stalking each other. First up, Mrs. Obama has left her week long celebration party to grace us with her presence. Then Mrs. McCain will join us. Finally, we’ll clear the set to speak with Mrs. Clinton as she wouldn’t have it any other way. And then, a surprise guest! You just never know what will happen on this awfullicious show. Whew, let me catch my breath for a minute. Why don’t we go to commercial? We’ll be right back after these messages.



GRAB LIFE BY DA LEMONS




Five minutes and ten shots of whiskey later…




Welcome back, lonely old people and bitter Republicans. Michelle Obama has joined us! Mrs. Obama, you must be excited now that it’s official and your husband has a real chance at winning the Presidency. Are you so excited you just can’t hide it? How are you feeling right now?




I’ll tell you Mr. King, it’s surreal. I’m in shock.




Fifty four contests and we won! Yippee! But we’ll be in the White House before you know it, making it black. Yeah!




So what you’re saying is, when you get to The White House it will be called The Black House? I thought your husband had a white mother. Is he black enough to change America for the better? When will he tell the hip hop industry their music has been (for the most part) total crap the last ten years?




My, that is a lot to answer at once. I’ll do my best to make this brief. Yes; that’s true; of course; on the day of his inauguration.




Wow; what an overachiever he is. Taking on a ceremony and entire music industry in one day! But let’s talk about you now. I hear you’ll be guest hosting on the popular daytime talk show “The Spew” in the near future, right alongside the infamous Barbed Whiskers. Is this true, or is it just a rumor? And is it possible for Barbed to tell one story and stick to it?




I think she prefers to be called “Barbie Whiskers” and I really don’t blame her. Some of us aren’t blessed with the best names, after all. And I cannot confirm or deny whether or not I’ll be co-hosting on The Spew. Anything could happen. I’d much rather talk about my husband. That’s why I’m here. And I know nothing of Barbie’s secret love affairs with Rosie O’Mygod and Ronald Frump. As far as I know “The Ronald” is no longer fighting with Rosie over Barbie, and it’s all in the past where it should be.




Well then, I think this one-on-one is over. Sike! I’ve got smelly hard lemonade on the brain, what can I say. Anywho, since you want to talk about your husband so badly, how about that new campaign slogan? Can we get a shot of that?




Here’s the million dollar question, Mrs. Obama. Ba Rock star, or God?

Well we know he isn’t God. That’s Oprah. And he isn’t a rock star. Bill Clinton won that title in the early 90’s. So I’d have to go with… Super Hero.

And a fine one he is. What exactly are his Super Powers?

Healing the sick and underinsured with his magical touch, teleporting troops home with his anti-Republican mind power, getting kids to college with three blinks and an ear wiggle, and helping Mrs. Clinton’s campaign out of debt by the power of Grayskull. Just visit the website; it explains everything.

Goshes, we’re out of time. It was wonderful conversing with you my dear, and best of luck with the campaign. But stay right here! Mrs. McCain will be joining us after a few automobile commercials using popular tunes of times past to tell you little to nothing of what you can expect from their vehicles. At least it’s rock and roll and hey, someone’s gotta pay for this.

Three minutes and ten whiskey shots later…

Oh, fudge packers. We’re entirely out of time now. We’ll continue here on our set and bring the rest of the interviews to you later. It will be just like live, only not. Stay tuned.

Ruining your kid's life begins at birth

Well, if you’re right on top of things you can at least ensure they are raised as ultra-spoiled cretins who are doomed to a life-long battle with drug/alcohol addictions, depression, not fitting into society, or all of the above. But that’s only if you’re leading by example or your kid knows his/her nanny better than they know you…


Usually spam doesn’t annoy me. But it has in the past. I’ve reached the point where I just delete it and don't give it a second thought. It’s like living with someone for so long they eventually get boring and predictable, and aren’t able to grab your attention like they did in the beginning, which is one reason why I like being single (or just alone). But today I got spam from Apple. You know, the company who gave us the iPod. And when I saw the sender’s name, Apple, glaring at me from my inbox the first thing that popped into my head was that Gwyneth Paltrow gave her first born kid that name. Yes, she named her daughter after a fruit. Not to mention she married that guy Chris Martin of Coldplay, the one band whose name I always forgot until they won a Grammy. Now that I’ve looked up this useless info on Wikipedia I’ll probably never forget it. Anyway, the reason I remembered a celebrity kid being named Apple: I saw her announce to the world on Oprah some odd years ago that she picked the name because it was biblical and clean (and that's when I changed the channel).




Look at Eve’s arms. Apparently they had steroids back then. Or some kind of Super Apples…


I’m sorry, but since I like pointing out the obvious… People who think of an apple in biblical terms probably aren’t thinking clean, innocent or wholesome. But they could be thinking of how Eve tempted Adam, how he took the bait, and they were banished from paradise. They could be thinking things like, from that point on (until the hippy movement) men were punished with working for food and women were cursed with pain in childbirth. So for those people, “apple” obviously isn’t going to conjure up nice happy thoughts, unless there is a savior named Apple who gives everyone free pie and/or crisps for eternity with the promise of zero weight gain. I could support that. I would tithe for that shit.

They named their second child Moses, who is probably the biggest star of the Old Testament. It is like a Christian naming their kid Jesus (then again, every other Mexican family has one, so maybe that isn‘t a good comparison). But if you’re going to pick a biblical name, at least pick one that isn’t 2 parts per million. Just some advice if you’re planning to do so. I’ve never heard of a Moses (but I‘ve never lived in the South 100 years ago either). I was starting to doubt his existence, so thanks Martin family for proving it once and for all. The name Moses rocks, and if he wasn’t a sheltered celebrity child he’d probably be pummeled with them daily in the schoolyard. Unless maybe he lived in the South. Then it would just be weekly.

I’m spotlighting this family only because I received that spam email from Apple (the corporation and not the savior). And there is some kind of celebrity movement out there to give kids the most ridiculous names on the planet. They probably hire people to seek out or make up these terrible things, don’t even give it a second thought, and then pay them for services rendered.

These people definitely have a sense of humor.