How to deal with A-Holes and have a Happy Thanksgiving

Whether your own family likes to give you hell or you’re bravely facing the in-laws, YOU are what really matters on this special day of stuffing face. And in a perfect world, we ALL have an absolutely wonderful holiday with everyone we love and nothing goes wrong and we all shit rainbows. Well, get over it! Last time I checked, my shit wasn’t multi-colored (it’s been a while). So if your heart fills with dread this time of year and you’re forced to deal with assholes, you have options. Depending on your personality there are a few ways you can go about this without technically killing anyone.

Option 1: Be the happy-go-lucky one.



This means you put your happy face on, no matter what kind of mine field you’re walking into. Use humor, silliness or stupidity to your advantage. No matter how awful your jokes are, as long as you’re smiling at least one person is guaranteed to not want to kill you. Befriend them! Unless they’re super self-absorbed or a total basket case they’ll defend you when the piranhas attack, even if your partner pretends you don’t exist. And you will be completely invisible to your partner at a family gathering at least once during your relationship, so it’s important to have some comrades around. You know, for when you offend those people without a sense of humor, or those who think they’re better than everyone else… Or the elderly. And you won’t walk out of there without offending someone, you goofy clown.

Option 2: Play deaf and dumb.



Maybe you can’t smile because the sun didn’t come out, someone is dragging you out by your heels, or you like to torture happy people. If you’re not feeling good vibes that’s perfectly OK. When the assholes come ‘round, play dumb. Block out anything that doesn’t bring you comfort or joy. And most importantly, keep your mouth shut! If you can’t resist interaction, do like the chimps do and make obvious gestures. When you are asked a question, shrug. When you’ve had enough and are on the verge of walking out, throw your hand up as if to say, Step off, bitch! There’s also a finger that works for that. On second thought, just stick to the deaf and dumb routine. And it works in any situation where you don’t want confrontation, you spineless mute.

Option 3: Be the biggest asshole.



Why take shit from any turkey? You’ve been a pushover far too long now. You’re sick of the headaches brought on every year by certain ass hats you wish you didn’t have to see, hear, touch or smell. And worst of all, you’ve been holding back. Well it’s time, my friend. It is finally your time. Use this gathering as an opportunity to tell everyone exactly how you feel about them. Hold back no more! Summon your inner-beast. Give them what they’re asking for. But take heed - to be successful you must be strong and loving toward yourself. In a pinch, a strong and loving companion will do. When the dust settles, you’ll be feared. You’ll be hated. Someone will want to kill you. But you are made of steel. Now, proudly and boldly go where the few who aren’t premenstrual dare. You can do this, you coldhearted asshole.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Happy Thanksgiving!

Tormented

Oh how I love you and hate you the same
I ran away, yet you called my name
I came back for another taste, so delicious
Eyebrows were raised, and my kids were suspicious
They said you were so bad for me, but
I returned to find myself in a rut
So I covered you up and left you again
Then you beckoned to me as a dear old friend
I couldn’t resist you, and how I tried
You’re so sweet and brown. Who cares if you lied?
Oh my god, you make me feel so good
You fill me up like nothing ever could
A little of you leaves me wanting more
I just can’t wait till the next time I’ll score
I try but I can’t keep my hands off you
I’m only human. What can I do?
Now I am forced to live with this pain
I run and sweat. It’s all so insane.

I have to say goodbye. I just have to say...




I just have to say…





















I love you coffee cake, but it ends today.

The gas station hates me

Something really strange has been going on.



Let me give you a little background info before I get into that. I drive by the gas station every day. And I’ve been noting the price I see up there on the sign as I drive by… every day. And I’ve been a slave to another certain routine for quite some time now: I get paid, go to the gas station, and fill up with just enough gas to get by until the next pay day. They’ve got me by the crotch and it’s not making me feel all hot and tingly in a good way.

This routine of mine began a few years back when the price of fuel really started hiking up the price of food and everything else that we need to survive. So it’s not like it’s the price of gasoline alone that is twisting my panties. It’s the price of every damn thing. We don’t manufacture anything - it all gets shipped here - so we watch a lot of those TV shows that explain in great detail how to live in the wild, just in case some day the trucks stop rolling through (you never know).

Back to the strangeness - here’s the really odd thing that’s been going down:
Two days before my payday, I drive by and see…



I see the new price.

Nooooooooooooooo! It can’t be. They raised it. Damn. I was SO close to making it. SO close to getting my gas for the same price I paid the LAST time I was there. Just TWO days away!!

Two days.

So I go through my routine. I get paid, go directly to the gas station, and put just enough gas in my tank to get by until my next paycheck. I frown because it costs more than it did the last time I was there. I go on about my daily business in life…

Some time passes, and it is once again TWO days before I get paid.



I see they’ve raised the price yet again. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel so… hated.

It’s just TWO days. Why can’t they wait…