Twisted News: Pet Airways has Snoopy seeing $$$$$$

When I found this odd story on the wonderful world of web I had some trouble wrapping my mind around it. To me, the whole concept of pets flying on their very own airline seems a bit twisted. Or at least really bad timing. We’re in a recession and the human airline industry has suffered but, what the hell! They must know we’ll give our pets the very best. That’s why when I travel I leave my dogs with a greasy 18-yr-old homebody, hard up for a twenty dollar bill and all the food he can scrape off the bottom of an oven (before he comes over - his parents pay him to leave now).

On July 14th this ‘first of its kind’ airline will make its long awaited debut and begin flying what I assume will be the favorite children of America’s rich and famous. So if it wears tailored clothing it’s welcome. *Here’s where you imagine a poodle in a pink $200 sweater that fits oh-so-nice. Or you could go with Michael Jackson’s chimp in an altered toddler tux and cufflinks. The possibilities are endless.

Prices start at $149 for a one-way ticket. So it looks like my puppy Sarge, nicknamed Shredder, has less than 3 months to get his shit together (his act - he has nothing left to pack). On July 11th he’ll turn 1 yr so it’s not much to ask. This extremely cute Retriever has not behaved in any manner consistent with his handsomeness. He’s cost me hundreds in chewed-up bras, appliance cords, dog house, etc. What’s another $149 bucks? Who wouldn’t want to play a game called Who’s The Next Sucker?

I just want him to stop with the bipolar bit. He’s not fooling me. I know he’s crazy ALL of the time.

Flights on Pet Airways will be available in New York, Denver, L.A., Chicago and Washington, D.C.! Lucky Obama family. When their tootsies get sore from all that chewing they can ship off US Treasury Secretary (who doubles as President of France) Timothy Geithner for a weekend. Their new puppy Bo could accompany him, just to keep a watchful eye.

Washington D.C. - you couldn’t pick a better location. I know whenever I think ‘menagerie’…

If you thought perhaps you could fly with your pet - the good news is, you can’t! So don’t worry. No one will be expecting that of you. The only things allowed for the ride that are remotely close to human beings are the strange creatures they call Pet Attendants. It's a tough job but they know all the pertinent languages like Cat, Dog and Dead Goldfish.

Still interested? Do your pets have their own booster seats at the dinner table? Do you ever push them in a stroller? Then this is what you do. You leave your precious pooches at what the airline calls the Pet Lounge. So tell them to leave their wallets at home or bring their best poker faces. It’s the Pet Lounge. That’ll grow ‘em up in a hurry.

A Pet Attendant takes them to potty a couple hours before boarding, which makes me wonder. How does this work at an airport? What can I say. I live in a world where animals do their business outside. And I haven’t had to use the facilities at a Pet Smart. It was weird enough sidestepping dogs, water bowls on the floor and as I was leaving - hearing a clerk’s answer to my joke question, “Anyone ever bitten?”

“Just once, at least while I’ve been here.”

Pet Smart? Oh-kay.

Dumbfounded, I left with eyebrows slightly raised. Around here when a dog bites it bites the dust. Literally. It doesn’t get that second taste of human flesh. We kill it. But what can you expect from a city that lets a dog attack his neighbor twice? Yep, that city also has a Pet Smart. So that settles it. I’m not going back. At least I’ll never have to find out if their restrooms have sandboxes.

So, back to the news that would have Snoopy and his poodle bitches partying in first class if Charles Schulz were still alive (but he would call them ladies). The attendant, much hairier than your average stewardess, sits with your pet the entire flight and caters to its every need. Well, maybe not every need and I should hope not.

I’m wondering, if it gets too noisy or there are species wars, do they use certain tactics like playing the movie Madagascar 2 (the one where the plane crashes)?


Random Poll: Would you use this airline service for your pets?

A) Yes! What a creative way to (once and for all) lose Spot.

B) The ‘not knowing’ seems dreadful and bullets are much cheaper.

C) Would be too much trouble; my pet’s name is on the watch list.

D) I don’t have any pets. I really like polls and I’m pissed that this isn’t interactive. I like to watch the results appear before my eyes and see how my answer compares to others. WTF is this? You lazy bitch.

Tormented

Oh how I love you and hate you the same
I ran away, yet you called my name
I came back for another taste, so delicious
Eyebrows were raised, and my kids were suspicious
They said you were so bad for me, but
I returned to find myself in a rut
So I covered you up and left you again
Then you beckoned to me as a dear old friend
I couldn’t resist you, and how I tried
You’re so sweet and brown. Who cares if you lied?
Oh my god, you make me feel so good
You fill me up like nothing ever could
A little of you leaves me wanting more
I just can’t wait till the next time I’ll score
I try but I can’t keep my hands off you
I’m only human. What can I do?
Now I am forced to live with this pain
I run and sweat. It’s all so insane.

I have to say goodbye. I just have to say...




I just have to say…





















I love you coffee cake, but it ends today.

The gas station hates me

Something really strange has been going on.



Let me give you a little background info before I get into that. I drive by the gas station every day. And I’ve been noting the price I see up there on the sign as I drive by… every day. And I’ve been a slave to another certain routine for quite some time now: I get paid, go to the gas station, and fill up with just enough gas to get by until the next pay day. They’ve got me by the crotch and it’s not making me feel all hot and tingly in a good way.

This routine of mine began a few years back when the price of fuel really started hiking up the price of food and everything else that we need to survive. So it’s not like it’s the price of gasoline alone that is twisting my panties. It’s the price of every damn thing. We don’t manufacture anything - it all gets shipped here - so we watch a lot of those TV shows that explain in great detail how to live in the wild, just in case some day the trucks stop rolling through (you never know).

Back to the strangeness - here’s the really odd thing that’s been going down:
Two days before my payday, I drive by and see…



I see the new price.

Nooooooooooooooo! It can’t be. They raised it. Damn. I was SO close to making it. SO close to getting my gas for the same price I paid the LAST time I was there. Just TWO days away!!

Two days.

So I go through my routine. I get paid, go directly to the gas station, and put just enough gas in my tank to get by until my next paycheck. I frown because it costs more than it did the last time I was there. I go on about my daily business in life…

Some time passes, and it is once again TWO days before I get paid.



I see they’ve raised the price yet again. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel so… hated.

It’s just TWO days. Why can’t they wait…