What is a vacation without a theme park?

As planned, on our vacation back in June a day was dedicated to Valley Fair. It’s a magical place I visited a few times during childhood. And nothing says love like putting your kids on large metal objects that defy gravity, whip them around like dolls and make them scream bloody hell (and possibly vomit into or around the nearest trash can). I just wanted them to have the same memories as I - the kind that last a lifetime.

Valley Fair isn’t a huge theme park. I’m sure it’s much smaller than Six Flags but I’ve never been there so I’m totally guessing. But the place is big enough that kids could easily get lost or disappear entirely, so I was pretty much stuck like glue to my two daughters while the teens were free to venture on their own. Not that I wouldn’t miss them after a few days, or a week, tops. Thanks to the age of cell phones we were reunited periodically and when the park closed. Oh well. I guess my kids didn't get the full experience after all.

The day started out slow for me due to the blinding sun and heat. It was hard to believe that just the previous week/month it had been raining pretty much daily. I forgot to tack that onto my good luck charm list. The weather was great the entire week we were there. Coincidence? Perhaps, but not if you believe in the power of the frizz. Actually, I got burned pretty badly as a result so it's all just a farce. Damn.

Back to the little to zero cloud cover - I was wearing a tank and shorts thinking sunscreen on my arms, shoulders, chest and legs was quite enough. I hate that crap and avoid the sun as much as possible so I don’t have to use it. And I’m not sitting out in the sun as I write this either. I’m not that big of a hypocrite. But Valley Fair was an entire day outside so I had no choice. It didn't do me much good, but that's a post for another day.

I soon found out I’m not as brave as I used to be, so it was good for me to tag along with my 6-yr-old. She was too short to go on most of the rides, so you could say she was my crutch and/or excuse for being a total chicken shit. She did eventually con me into The Floom, which is a log ride in water that ends with one big scream and a good soaking, but I made her sit in front. Well, it was just part of the deal-making process.

As the day wore on I braved as many rides with my daughters as my weak stomach, heart and fragile back could handle. I'm perfectly happy not having any balls. And warning signs are posted for a reason, so I do read them. I went on the smallest roller coaster in the park (called High Roller) with my 8-yr-old after determining it was safe (no warning signs). Oddly enough, it was nothing like I remembered. Whenever they ask you to remove your hat, it is definitely a red flag. Forget the posted signage - it all boils down to the request for hat removal.

Near the end of the night the same daughter tried to get me on Wild Thing, which is THE biggest roller coaster that has ever towered over me. I took a good look at it and froze in fear. My bff stepped in and subbed for me. I really don’t know why it gave me comfort to know she was right there with my daughter when they were going through heart-stopping height/speed combos and swallowing bugs. As soon as they were done they got right back in line again. I try but I just don’t understand.

So at that time my crutch and I sauntered over to the Tilt-A-Whirl. It kicked ass.

IDGAS is a fun phrase

Hello, blog grazers and beautiful people out there. Have you been feeling stressed lately? I’m feeling a little bloated thanks to the monthly curse, but other than that I’m good. It’s a beautiful day. The grass is green. It’s sunny, it’s warm, and it’s quiet… at least for the moment. But I know some of you have been feeling kind of tense.
“I don’t give a shit” is a fun phrase.
Say it.
Say it!
Say it with some authority now.
Doesn’t that make you feel better? Try it this way… shorten it up and say it the internet way, IDGAS.

From now on “I don’t give a shit” is going to be my fun phrase for life in general. Because seriously, if I were normally a serious person, life wouldn’t be any fun and I’d be dead in about ten years just from the stress of taking life too seriously. I’ll still give a shit when it’s necessary, but I’m talking about the small stuff here. I’m happy not sweating it.

I’m sure my new phrase will come in handy. I used to shrug my shoulders when life grabbed me by the nips and twisted, or more realistically, whenever something mildly annoying was thrown my way. But shrugging my shoulders like a trained chimp wasn‘t any fun, and that‘s the whole point. So I’ve given this a little bit of thought. Here are some situations when I could use my new fun phrase IDGAS.

When my co-workers do stupid things because they are stupid and I end up having to do more work because of their stupidity… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I get paid for the extra time I spend working because of their stupidity. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, suckers who work with me that went to Special Ed. back in school and still think you’re special.

When the price of gasoline gets so outrageously high that I won’t be able to drive anymore because the price of milk is always higher and more important to have because it‘s milk… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I have legs, and feet. That’s right, I can walk or pedal a bike. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, greedy executives and countries who sell oil and don‘t give a shit about the consumer.

If someone even more influential than Tom Hanks (who recently endorsed Barack Obama) comes out to shock the nation and endorse John McCain for President… IDGAS. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, whoever might have the balls to put their entire reputation on the line for another four years of the same old same-old. Well, we already know it won’t be Charlton Heston.

If the government ever tries to take away our right to bear arms… IDGAS. And IDGAS because even if it happens in other states, it won’t happen in Montana. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, people who think that slowly stripping away our rights and over-regulating us is going to make our world a better place.

When life throws you a hit, just don't give a shit. Turn it around. Don't fall to the ground. My rhyme is done. Now go have some fun.

I've reached a milestone

Tonight it dawned on me that I’ve managed to accomplish something big without even trying. No, I didn’t win the lottery or find a cure for my insomnia. But believe me, I have tried, it’s just that the balls never roll in my favor. And I gave up on the lottery a long time ago.

The milestone is, in the last week I’ve managed to tick off (or at least annoy) a record 1,940 people. But not just any people.

I was checking my stats for the last week, and it turns out that 1,940 people who viewed my blog in that time used Google Images to hunt down Vanity Fair pictures of Miley Cyrus. But in the post that received the hits, I only mentioned the pics and didn’t actually post any. This means that I’ve managed to waste a few precious minutes of 1,940 people’s lives. I know I do that every week on a slightly smaller scale, but these folks possibly give a damn about Miley Cyrus. And odds are that a lot of them were hard core fans since my blog is at the bottom of the barrel. This gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Especially since I didn’t plan it. I wasn’t rubbing my hands together with a cigar hanging out of my mouth thinking, “Ah ha, I know exactly how to get a handful of those kids, concerned parents and perverts now!”

I think before this, the most people I’ve managed to irk in a week’s time was 24, back in April. Wait, that was family so it doesn’t count.

I wonder how many will be slighted this time around?

Who do you like to annoy?