Barack isn't just Biden his time

It’s hard to believe it’s finally over. And I was surprised we had a clear winner on election night. No hanging cads, lawsuits, or turning to relatives who just happen to be governing a contested state. Jeb who? Exactly.

In fact, right after Obama won I had mentally prepared myself for the Republicans to come back with a big, “Oh no you didn’t!”

Thank God that didn’t happen. Everyone hates it when the rich try to act ghetto.

It was an exciting night, and refreshing to see so many happy faces on TV. Well, except for Oprah.

And Sarah Palin. For some reason I expected her to grab the mike after John McCain’s thoughtful speech and say, “It’s not over yet America. We haven’t even made it to the swimsuit competition!”

Maybe it was the tears in her eyes, I don’t know.

Now that we have a new President working in the wings and giving the world hope, I couldn’t help but notice this past week the minorities have been out and about. It’s cool that they’ve come out of hiding.

There is only one Asian guy in my town. Just one. Sad but true. Welcome to Central Montana. He is a friendly and nice guy and everyone likes him but he’s very soft spoken. So I couldn’t believe what I witnessed in the grocery store the other day. He was standing at the meat counter, literally yelling his order to the butcher, “Yes! Three pounds! Ground beef! Thank you very much!”

It’s heartwarming to see such confidence. I assume this is taking place all over America and Kenya. It’s too bad we can’t bottle up this morale, put a big bow on it, and give it to Bush as a going away present.

Twisted News: Obama's endorsements defy laws of nature

It all started when Hillary Clinton, after fighting like mad for the Democratic nomination, came out at the convention with just as much fervor to concede and throw her weight behind Barack. When asked why she was so willing to discard her pride and step up for this shocking display of unity, she replied, “Any night I can piss off my husband is a good night.”

That same night Bill Clinton was overheard saying, “I love the guy. Why else would I be so supportive? I don’t need my wife to get a piece. Consider that when you’re in the voting booth.”


Another shocker was just last week when General Colin Powell, a Republican, came out of the closet on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’ to endorse Barack. While speaking to Tom Brokaw off-camera, he said, “Back when I was for the war I was really against it, but it was the most popular mind-set. Do I regret it? Of course. After eight years of Bush in the White House, am I ashamed to call myself a Republican? Naturally. I just went out and a bought a blue hybrid, a blue beach house in the Bahamas, and a great set of books for my young grandchild based on the TV show, ‘Blue’s Clues’. I’ve even got bluebirds and a donkey in my backyard now.”

Then Tom said, “You’ve been privately supporting Barack for months now. Why wait so long to make it public?”

Powell replied, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s pretty clear he’s the most popular candidate.”


Fast forward to this weekend. The Anchorage Daily News is the state of Alaska’s largest newspaper. Unbelievably, it was reported on CNN and internet news sites that the newspaper has publicly endorsed Barack Obama. When asked why they weren’t supporting a McCain/Palin White House, they came out with this statement…

“We are grateful for everything our sweetheart, Governor Sarah Palin, has done for Alaska and its citizens. We would love nothing more than to support a ticket with a VP candidate who governs our great state, but…

Seriously? For real? You’re kidding, right?”


And the last we will report on (but not the least) is the man who came out to shock the world as one of Barack’s strongest supporters, Joe Biden. It was leaked he will be chosen as People Magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. The editors have fallen hard for him, and stated the following reasons for their choice.

“He swallowed his pride when he accepted Barack’s offering to become the VP candidate. In the past he’s ran for President not once, but twice. That is some ‘heart-melting humility’.”

“He survived a near-death experience when an angry McCain supporter broke into his house and clubbed him in the head with a baseball bat. That is some tough. And not long after that, America’s favorite gaff machine was back to display his ‘irresistible sense of humor’.”

“He is a ‘rock solid family man’ which makes him very appealing to the ladies. Any old white guy who can make a young black woman throw her panties with abandon is incredibly sexy.”

Facing the truth about politicians hurts

I really enjoy watching Anderson Cooper so I try to never miss his show AC360. He’s hawt. Anyway, I was watching Friday and it seems John Edwards (who has only been labeled 'hawt' by Larry Craig) has finally admitted he had this affair that he’d been denying for an eternity. Well, almost a year. But he’s not off the hook yet, and is obviously feeling the pressure from yet another accusation. In response to rumors that he impregnated his mistress, he’s now resorted to quoting Michael Jackson lyrics. “She says I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Seriously though, I like to think I’m fair 99% of the time. So, the truth: John’s mistress Rielle Hunter isn’t the one pressing the paternity issue. In fact, she doesn’t even want a paternity test done. It’s the National Enquirer. It seems they have a picture of Edwards in a hotel room holding the baby. The magazine is apparently trying to change its image from the number one source of heat and toilet paper for the homeless to America’s number one news source.

But I’ve known for a long time and have accepted the fact that politicians cheat on their spouses. Who cares about that? I found something newsworthy about Senators McCain and Obama and, well, to say I’m totally shocked and disappointed would be an understatement. It’s short so you should probably read it first. But proceed to the story with caution and keep your legs crossed. Remember, everything that oozes from these two stems from their one shared goal… getting lots of tail in the Lincoln Room. It’s just a lot easier that way.

I must admit when reading the article it really pained me to see a few of the candidates’ music choices.

ABBA? I can just imagine McCain with his wife’s iPod not long before saying that.

Sheryl Crow? Bob Dylan? These are on Obama’s short list? I’m speechless. I had him pinned as a Kenny Rogers fan.

And of course McCain just had to throw in, “But I like Usher too.”

Holy pandering politicians!

But what really cracked me up was what McCain essentially said about a character in the last movie he’s seen.



I think he may be on to something.

Just kidding, I think Harrison Ford should kick his ass.

John McCain speaks to America again

Hello America,

I’m back to do some ‘splaining about an ad you may or may not have seen comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. My campaign came up with this honorable spot to let you know my opponent is one who simply cannot be trusted. This was a fair and unbiased representation of a man who has only been in the Senate for 3 years. I, on the other hand, have been proudly serving this country since long before most of you youngsters were even born. And I’m proud.

I’m proud of this ad because it was hilarious. After viewing the ad for the first time, my campaign team and I laughed and laughed. I soaked my Depends within seconds. I am proud to work with comrades who are in tune with my sense of humor and know just how to tickle my funny bone. And when it comes right down to winning over young voters, humor works. Comedians themselves are insanely jealous. Come on now. Admit it. The ad is funny.

I’m proud of this ad because it finally got me some desperately needed attention. Let’s face it, my campaign is in crisis mode here. Senator Obama has been globe trotting and now he’s back on American soil and everyone knows about it. Thanks to the media, you all know when he’s taking a shit and you know its color and consistency. I've had to deal with the media sucking his ass and face for far too long now. The only way I can get any coverage is if I attack their lover in every way possible. And I might add it’s amazing just how far a rape threat can get you. I was on Wolf Blitzer’s show last week.

I am the only one you can trust, America. How can I can get through to you people? There’s just no other way to show you I am indeed the better man. So be prepared for many more ads like this one, and the one about the media boning my opponent. I’m only pointing out the Senator's weaknesses in a way that shows I am an elect-able candidate. We’ve only just begun, and I’m proud. I’m a winner.

And while we're on the subject of winning, let’s talk about my years and years of experience. For example, I have an excellent track record of thinking about the oil and energy crisis. It’s been on my mind for the last 20+ years - well - since the late 70’s. That’s got to count for something.

When push came to shove on the campaign trail, I exposed my genius by hopping on board with Senator Clinton’s proposal for a gas tax holiday that could’ve helped America immensely for a few awesome days.

Recently I’ve decided to support the off-shore drilling of oil when for years I was against it. I’ve flipped not because Bush did a 180 and is now supporting it, and not to align myself with most Americans on this issue. I've changed my position because I control the wind. And the idea of “too little, too late” is the way losers operate. Barack Obama is one of those big fat losers. Winners know you can never give up. If your head and torso are in the mouth of a shark, do you let him make a meal out of you? No, you put up a fight. You punch and kick. You scream. When you feel your body being sawed in two, you don’t give up. Blood pours out from you and attracts more sharks, but that’s okay because you’re still fighting for your life. Even when it’s obvious you only have but seconds left to live, you tell yourself it will be alright and continue your fight. That’s how to be a winner. Losers are always nitpicking and losing themselves in such trivial things as details. I’m above that, America. And I’m ready to lead you as your next President.




Vote for me, or you could be eaten by sharks.

I’m Senator McCain, and I don’t not approve this message.

John McCain speaks to America

Dear America,

I’m John McCain. I’d like to be your next Commander-in-Chief because I’m really sick of life as a Senator.

I’m not trying to run away from Arizona’s problems. I’m just tired of getting bombarded on all sides over the whole “immigrant” issue. I’ve had both parties on my tail for years. I’ve had to deal with a grass roots group of wannabe Border Patrol agents, as well as complete idiots who think they can build some kind of fence to keep the America-hungry Mexicans out. Well, I’ve done enough. It’s over. Now I want to lead this great nation. I’m fully prepared to deal with the worst of the worst, America’s conscience - Lou Dobbs. He is one tough bastard to ignore. But I can do it.

Also, I feel like I was jipped when in the year 2000 I ran against George W. Bush and lost the party nomination. As much as I love the President, I should’ve won that bitch. So here I am. And as long as I’m still alive, I’m not going anywhere.





I have Life Alert.

While Senator Obama is away, I see this as a window of opportunity to tell you all exactly what is wrong with him. So listen up. Obama is a loser. He’s not a war hero like me. When I was busy winning a war, he was wasting his time somewhere in Montana. How dare he enjoy a holiday with his family in a state no one cares about while I’m slaving away and winning wars. I’m just stating the facts here. And the facts are, he has no judgment. He changes his position with the wind. I know the wind. For example, I know when the wind starts blowing one way, it should continue to keep blowing in that direction. If the wind changes it is wrong, and I’m always right. I’ve never changed my position. He knows nothing about the wind.

I know how to win wars. I’ve won many. You don’t win wars with peace. You win them in a bloody fight to the death after arresting and eventually hanging that nation's dictator. That makes me a winner, and not a waster of billions of dollars.

I supported the surge and Obama opposed it. I don’t want to hear any more about him being opposed to the war in the first place. But if you want to throw that in my face, I’ll respond by telling you what a loser he is. He’s a big fat loser. I control the wind. That makes me mighty and strong, and not weak like my opponent. He doesn’t know jack about the wind.

Senator Obama also doesn’t know squat diddly about Iraq. I’ve been to Iraq eight times. That makes me a winner, and fully supports my claim that he is a loser. I know Iraq’s Prime Minister better than I know my own wife. Senator Obama knows nothing about foreign relations, or that most problems can be resolved in a hotel room. I know how to solve problems. There aren't any that can’t be solved over a bottle of wine with Barry White playing softly in the background.

I’m Senator McCain, and I don’t not approve this message.

King interviews Mrs. Obama

Welcome. If you missed King interviews a moody O.J. you can purchase a copy of this very short but inspiring headache at our online store for only a few hundred dollars. What a bargain! You get O.J. and myself in a rare interview without commercial interruption or a goofy intro. And best of all, for every copy sold I get a night of peaceful sleep without a gang of armed thugs breaking into my house to pillage my hard earned cash-stash, which I keep in my detachable robotic arm. By 2020 I should be a full fledged robot. I swear I couldn’t do this job without my pills. Tonight we have a horriterrific lineup that will be broken up into parts because we will run out of time. All of these lovely ladies wanted to be here on the same night because, well, they are stalking each other. First up, Mrs. Obama has left her week long celebration party to grace us with her presence. Then Mrs. McCain will join us. Finally, we’ll clear the set to speak with Mrs. Clinton as she wouldn’t have it any other way. And then, a surprise guest! You just never know what will happen on this awfullicious show. Whew, let me catch my breath for a minute. Why don’t we go to commercial? We’ll be right back after these messages.



GRAB LIFE BY DA LEMONS




Five minutes and ten shots of whiskey later…




Welcome back, lonely old people and bitter Republicans. Michelle Obama has joined us! Mrs. Obama, you must be excited now that it’s official and your husband has a real chance at winning the Presidency. Are you so excited you just can’t hide it? How are you feeling right now?




I’ll tell you Mr. King, it’s surreal. I’m in shock.




Fifty four contests and we won! Yippee! But we’ll be in the White House before you know it, making it black. Yeah!




So what you’re saying is, when you get to The White House it will be called The Black House? I thought your husband had a white mother. Is he black enough to change America for the better? When will he tell the hip hop industry their music has been (for the most part) total crap the last ten years?




My, that is a lot to answer at once. I’ll do my best to make this brief. Yes; that’s true; of course; on the day of his inauguration.




Wow; what an overachiever he is. Taking on a ceremony and entire music industry in one day! But let’s talk about you now. I hear you’ll be guest hosting on the popular daytime talk show “The Spew” in the near future, right alongside the infamous Barbed Whiskers. Is this true, or is it just a rumor? And is it possible for Barbed to tell one story and stick to it?




I think she prefers to be called “Barbie Whiskers” and I really don’t blame her. Some of us aren’t blessed with the best names, after all. And I cannot confirm or deny whether or not I’ll be co-hosting on The Spew. Anything could happen. I’d much rather talk about my husband. That’s why I’m here. And I know nothing of Barbie’s secret love affairs with Rosie O’Mygod and Ronald Frump. As far as I know “The Ronald” is no longer fighting with Rosie over Barbie, and it’s all in the past where it should be.




Well then, I think this one-on-one is over. Sike! I’ve got smelly hard lemonade on the brain, what can I say. Anywho, since you want to talk about your husband so badly, how about that new campaign slogan? Can we get a shot of that?




Here’s the million dollar question, Mrs. Obama. Ba Rock star, or God?

Well we know he isn’t God. That’s Oprah. And he isn’t a rock star. Bill Clinton won that title in the early 90’s. So I’d have to go with… Super Hero.

And a fine one he is. What exactly are his Super Powers?

Healing the sick and underinsured with his magical touch, teleporting troops home with his anti-Republican mind power, getting kids to college with three blinks and an ear wiggle, and helping Mrs. Clinton’s campaign out of debt by the power of Grayskull. Just visit the website; it explains everything.

Goshes, we’re out of time. It was wonderful conversing with you my dear, and best of luck with the campaign. But stay right here! Mrs. McCain will be joining us after a few automobile commercials using popular tunes of times past to tell you little to nothing of what you can expect from their vehicles. At least it’s rock and roll and hey, someone’s gotta pay for this.

Three minutes and ten whiskey shots later…

Oh, fudge packers. We’re entirely out of time now. We’ll continue here on our set and bring the rest of the interviews to you later. It will be just like live, only not. Stay tuned.

McCain attacks Barack Obama, and it smells poopy

Now that it’s official, McCain is wasting no time attacking Obama any which way he can, which is in the rear since McCain is behind him in the polls. It turns out Obama has a fundraising friend who was convicted yesterday of fraud and some other things, and now McCain is using this as an opportunity to imply that he wouldn’t be a good President based on this friendship. Actually it was the Republican Party’s national committee who were responsible for the negative statements, but it’s probably not a stretch to assume McCain is pulling the strings or at least having a good evil laugh over it. I could easily imagine him stabbing an Obama voodoo doll in between its cloth buttcheeks for some reason. Back when this issue first came up, Obama donated more than $150,000 raised by the friend in question to charity. I guess McCain and his friends can’t find anything of real substance to use against him. When I look at it that way, the whole thing is pretty damn amusing.

I live in a town where most of us know each other, so life would be very different for me if everyone judged me by my friends. I wouldn’t have any friends if that were the case. For example, I have a couple of friends who smoke pot. Now they try to keep it on the DL, but it’s impossible because word gets around. It’s almost as if everyone in this town knows who made a poopy and when they did it. Personally, I don’t care what my friends do when I‘m not in their company. Their poop is their business. But let’s just say for the sake of comparison that they decided one day to start throwing poop at people. And that this went on for a period of time without me knowing about it. Random poop attacks in the night on passersby. And let’s say I found out when they were eventually arrested for their poop rampage. How can I, a law abiding citizen, be held accountable for their poop? That would stink.

Today's Forecast: Sarcasm Storm Rolling In

First: CNN hosts and company, while covering Obama’s win I don’t think you’ve uttered the word “historic” quite enough yet. Maybe you should say it another hundred times in the next few minutes just to get the point across.

And if Hillary had won the nomination, I guess you wouldn’t be saying the exact same thing.

I think it’s pretty obvious she is in fact, a woman. I think she does indeed have lady lumps. Whether or not they are lovely is a matter for Bill to debate with himself.


Number 2: It’s not just shorthand for “making a poopy”…

Why are so many guests on CNN saying that Clinton is diminishing Obama’s victory? I tune in and tune out like a monkey with ADHD. Seriously, there is no punch line here. I’m asking a legitimate question.

I want to know what you’re thinking. There are some things you can‘t hide. I want to know what you‘re feeling. Tell me what‘s on your mind.


Thirdly: Why are you political junkies suggesting it is somehow wrong for Clinton to hang in there like the trooper she is? How dare you. You can’t read her mind. You don’t know what is preventing her from conceding. She just might have some kind of agenda, like becoming our next President, perhaps. I just can’t put into words how I feel about you wolf… er, wolves. I am shocked that you’re wishing an end to the longest running delusion in nominee history. Unbelievable.


And last of all: This wasn’t even really a post, but rather, a bunch of jibberish with some Information Society lyrics thrown in for the hell of it. I apologize. I’m also sorry if you were deceived by my title. I know I promised you a “sarcasm storm.” That was very thoughtless of me and extremely inconsiderate. What can I say, I am a woman. But I’d really like to make it up to you. So, here you go…






















I never said I was an artist.

It's going to be a mean season

This is gearing up to quite possibly be one of the nastiest campaign seasons in US history. Not too long ago Bush was in Israel, and during a speech took a jab at Barack Obama. You know when a guy is campaigning and isn’t even an official Presidential nominee and gets dissed in another country by some one who isn’t even running against him, that things are probably going to get uglier than ugly this year.

Bush and McCain have seemingly got some kind of partnership because every time I turn around I either see them together on TV, in a photo, or they are speaking well of each other. I think they just need to get it over with and get a room.

Then you have the Clinton-lovers and McCain-lovers jumping on any little errors they can find in Obama’s speeches, etc. Yes, Obama had a great uncle who helped liberate victims of Nazis. Yes, he made an error when mentioning the location. And most of the country probably wouldn’t have known about Obama’s uncle if it weren’t for the haters jumping all over this to point it out. Talk about your plans backfiring.

I have to give Clinton and Obama some credit for recently making statements of unity in an effort to band together against McCain. If only they had the power of a current President on their side to help them in their plight. A President with integrity who has done nothing but good for the country, its citizens, and has strengthened a political party to Super Hero status.




Um, yes Mr. President, that was a joke.

And thank you for the stimulus check this year. It isn’t enough to cover the additional cost of filling my gas tank for the last seven years, or the hikes in the price of food and other necessities, but really it’s the thought that counts. And you’re full of it. I mean, you’re full of those good intentions.

IDGAS is a fun phrase

Hello, blog grazers and beautiful people out there. Have you been feeling stressed lately? I’m feeling a little bloated thanks to the monthly curse, but other than that I’m good. It’s a beautiful day. The grass is green. It’s sunny, it’s warm, and it’s quiet… at least for the moment. But I know some of you have been feeling kind of tense.
“I don’t give a shit” is a fun phrase.
Say it.
Say it!
Say it with some authority now.
Doesn’t that make you feel better? Try it this way… shorten it up and say it the internet way, IDGAS.

From now on “I don’t give a shit” is going to be my fun phrase for life in general. Because seriously, if I were normally a serious person, life wouldn’t be any fun and I’d be dead in about ten years just from the stress of taking life too seriously. I’ll still give a shit when it’s necessary, but I’m talking about the small stuff here. I’m happy not sweating it.

I’m sure my new phrase will come in handy. I used to shrug my shoulders when life grabbed me by the nips and twisted, or more realistically, whenever something mildly annoying was thrown my way. But shrugging my shoulders like a trained chimp wasn‘t any fun, and that‘s the whole point. So I’ve given this a little bit of thought. Here are some situations when I could use my new fun phrase IDGAS.

When my co-workers do stupid things because they are stupid and I end up having to do more work because of their stupidity… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I get paid for the extra time I spend working because of their stupidity. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, suckers who work with me that went to Special Ed. back in school and still think you’re special.

When the price of gasoline gets so outrageously high that I won’t be able to drive anymore because the price of milk is always higher and more important to have because it‘s milk… IDGAS. And IDGAS because I have legs, and feet. That’s right, I can walk or pedal a bike. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, greedy executives and countries who sell oil and don‘t give a shit about the consumer.

If someone even more influential than Tom Hanks (who recently endorsed Barack Obama) comes out to shock the nation and endorse John McCain for President… IDGAS. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, whoever might have the balls to put their entire reputation on the line for another four years of the same old same-old. Well, we already know it won’t be Charlton Heston.

If the government ever tries to take away our right to bear arms… IDGAS. And IDGAS because even if it happens in other states, it won’t happen in Montana. IDGAS! HA! Joke’s on you, um, people who think that slowly stripping away our rights and over-regulating us is going to make our world a better place.

When life throws you a hit, just don't give a shit. Turn it around. Don't fall to the ground. My rhyme is done. Now go have some fun.