King interviews Mrs. Obama

Welcome. If you missed King interviews a moody O.J. you can purchase a copy of this very short but inspiring headache at our online store for only a few hundred dollars. What a bargain! You get O.J. and myself in a rare interview without commercial interruption or a goofy intro. And best of all, for every copy sold I get a night of peaceful sleep without a gang of armed thugs breaking into my house to pillage my hard earned cash-stash, which I keep in my detachable robotic arm. By 2020 I should be a full fledged robot. I swear I couldn’t do this job without my pills. Tonight we have a horriterrific lineup that will be broken up into parts because we will run out of time. All of these lovely ladies wanted to be here on the same night because, well, they are stalking each other. First up, Mrs. Obama has left her week long celebration party to grace us with her presence. Then Mrs. McCain will join us. Finally, we’ll clear the set to speak with Mrs. Clinton as she wouldn’t have it any other way. And then, a surprise guest! You just never know what will happen on this awfullicious show. Whew, let me catch my breath for a minute. Why don’t we go to commercial? We’ll be right back after these messages.



GRAB LIFE BY DA LEMONS




Five minutes and ten shots of whiskey later…




Welcome back, lonely old people and bitter Republicans. Michelle Obama has joined us! Mrs. Obama, you must be excited now that it’s official and your husband has a real chance at winning the Presidency. Are you so excited you just can’t hide it? How are you feeling right now?




I’ll tell you Mr. King, it’s surreal. I’m in shock.




Fifty four contests and we won! Yippee! But we’ll be in the White House before you know it, making it black. Yeah!




So what you’re saying is, when you get to The White House it will be called The Black House? I thought your husband had a white mother. Is he black enough to change America for the better? When will he tell the hip hop industry their music has been (for the most part) total crap the last ten years?




My, that is a lot to answer at once. I’ll do my best to make this brief. Yes; that’s true; of course; on the day of his inauguration.




Wow; what an overachiever he is. Taking on a ceremony and entire music industry in one day! But let’s talk about you now. I hear you’ll be guest hosting on the popular daytime talk show “The Spew” in the near future, right alongside the infamous Barbed Whiskers. Is this true, or is it just a rumor? And is it possible for Barbed to tell one story and stick to it?




I think she prefers to be called “Barbie Whiskers” and I really don’t blame her. Some of us aren’t blessed with the best names, after all. And I cannot confirm or deny whether or not I’ll be co-hosting on The Spew. Anything could happen. I’d much rather talk about my husband. That’s why I’m here. And I know nothing of Barbie’s secret love affairs with Rosie O’Mygod and Ronald Frump. As far as I know “The Ronald” is no longer fighting with Rosie over Barbie, and it’s all in the past where it should be.




Well then, I think this one-on-one is over. Sike! I’ve got smelly hard lemonade on the brain, what can I say. Anywho, since you want to talk about your husband so badly, how about that new campaign slogan? Can we get a shot of that?




Here’s the million dollar question, Mrs. Obama. Ba Rock star, or God?

Well we know he isn’t God. That’s Oprah. And he isn’t a rock star. Bill Clinton won that title in the early 90’s. So I’d have to go with… Super Hero.

And a fine one he is. What exactly are his Super Powers?

Healing the sick and underinsured with his magical touch, teleporting troops home with his anti-Republican mind power, getting kids to college with three blinks and an ear wiggle, and helping Mrs. Clinton’s campaign out of debt by the power of Grayskull. Just visit the website; it explains everything.

Goshes, we’re out of time. It was wonderful conversing with you my dear, and best of luck with the campaign. But stay right here! Mrs. McCain will be joining us after a few automobile commercials using popular tunes of times past to tell you little to nothing of what you can expect from their vehicles. At least it’s rock and roll and hey, someone’s gotta pay for this.

Three minutes and ten whiskey shots later…

Oh, fudge packers. We’re entirely out of time now. We’ll continue here on our set and bring the rest of the interviews to you later. It will be just like live, only not. Stay tuned.

Are you sure?

I caught the last few minutes of an infomercial Saturday night that got my attention due to its originality and catchy beats. What was the product I saw that is giving Richard Simmons a run for his money? It was a hip hop fitness DVD set and let me tell you, I was really (not) impressed with the fact that a corporation is using an entire genre of music to line their pockets. Although I must admit I’m happy the sweaty guy in the candy-striped shorts (that make grandmothers and Dave Letterman blush) has some real competition.



You go, BEACHBODY! With a business name like that, and a super sweet name for your product like this, people should easily trust you with their hard earned cash. Or actually, their credit cards. Oh, never mind. It’s not like those ever get paid off anyway.

Look at Shaun T. The guy is smoking hot (and I must confess the true reason it got my attention). But as you should know by now, I like to point out the obvious. He has rock hard abs!! And is extremely sexy. Watching him flex his well-toned body made my little lady downstairs speak. She said, “He is so much hotter than Phil Collins.”

And to think, all he does to look this good is spend a little time dancercising every day?!? Unbelievable!!! Throw out your weights and take your exercise equipment to the dump, ‘cause there is a better way to look like a God or Goddess. In the five minutes I spent watching the ad (that ran for approximately 30 minutes), Shaun T. and his bubbly girlfriends showed off a bunch of fresh and funky dance moves that made Madonna look really, really old. And very, very white (no matter what ethnicity she’s currently claiming).

Watching them all hip-hop-ercise was motivating, but did it make me want to buy the DVDs? No. I wanted to run out to the nearest happenin’ nightclub, which is about 1,000 miles away (but so totally worth the drive), to try out these new moves on unsuspecting drunken males. It made me want to jump around and/or get down, and other things like that. It made me want to buy more revealing articles of clothing, and get a boob job so I have something to jiggle.

If you’re trying to sell an exercise DVD set, are you sure you want to spend a half hour showing off the dance moves you’re trying to sell? Are you sure? Because I learned more in those few minutes than I ever did in any nightclub.

I think I just need to set the timer on my TV so it will automatically turn off at midnight. Where is that damn manual?!?