The adoption option

Whenever I think on this subject one thing that really gets my blood boiling, especially since half of those ‘special’ people who ‘work for us’ in Washington are ‘gay on the side’… is that in most places in the US a gay couple can’t even adopt. Well, maybe there aren’t any laws banning it unless you’re in Arkansas, or was that Alabama and what’s the difference? Even so, they’d rather place a waiting child into the hands of a 100-yr-old couple who cane youngin’s at will.


This…


…And this could happen to a child near you.

Yes, maybe some do deserve a good caning. 99% probably need one, but try telling that to a social worker. Seriously though, no kid should ever, ever have to change a bedpan…

When using the word ‘gay’ I’m talking about men of course. Gay women can go to a sperm bank so I’m not even acknowledging them here. I just think it’s so totally unfair. Plus, I’m not related to any gay women so call me biased if you want. It doesn’t change the inequality.

Gay people are just like us. Except they’re gay, which a lot of people get hung up on because according to their bibles they’ll burn in hell right alongside everyone who lies, cheats, steals and listens to extremists. I think what that means is when the world ends the entire city of Washington, D.C. will turn into a giant lake of fire and everyone tuned into Rush Limbaugh will suddenly feel their heads explode.

I know it’s up to each state to decide whether or not to allow or ban a gay couple from providing just as much love as a straight one to children who truly need it. So I wish they’d come to their senses and look at it from a logical perspective. Why must the bible always be used as a divisive device when there’s so much we could learn from it? To be more specific, it clearly states in Revelations that in the year 2012 Washington, D.C. will turn into a lake of fire and Rush will reveal to his listeners he is the son of Lucifer himself causing heads to violently explode. Then, according to the mother of one of my daughter’s friends*, Yellowstone National Park will erupt and destroy us all.

*Ask your kids what they’ve heard lately at school but sit down first.

Of course before that happens, President Obama (who was in Hawaii hosting a party for his party) will lead his followers to the new city of Jerusalem where Senator Max Baucus will finally be free to dance in the daisies and put flowers in his hair. But not before letting everyone know he still opposes gay marriage, adding he just doesn’t think it’s fair to ban it.

So Montana Max will still be one of many confusing Democrats, but since he’s taken more pro-Israel PAC money than anyone it gives him a free pass to enter the city of gold. What I mean is, since he’s been such a huge supporter of Israel he’ll breeze right in while Rush burns for all eternity… the fact that Max has received well over $319,000 in his career from those contributions alone is just a side note.


How much to get Maxi out of the closet?

By now you must obviously be wondering how Oct-O-Mom fits into all of this, so I’ll briefly drop the silliness and even the sarcasm. If Nadya Suleman really wanted everyone to leave her alone she’d give up the babies and a few others for adoption. Her kids would be happy, the public would be happy and the media would temporarily melt into a pool of tears. Wouldn’t it be for the best?

The only downside is gays still can’t adopt but if they could just rustle up a shit load of money for the right people or lie on the application… Well, I’ll always be an optimist.

Facing the truth about politicians hurts

I really enjoy watching Anderson Cooper so I try to never miss his show AC360. He’s hawt. Anyway, I was watching Friday and it seems John Edwards (who has only been labeled 'hawt' by Larry Craig) has finally admitted he had this affair that he’d been denying for an eternity. Well, almost a year. But he’s not off the hook yet, and is obviously feeling the pressure from yet another accusation. In response to rumors that he impregnated his mistress, he’s now resorted to quoting Michael Jackson lyrics. “She says I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Seriously though, I like to think I’m fair 99% of the time. So, the truth: John’s mistress Rielle Hunter isn’t the one pressing the paternity issue. In fact, she doesn’t even want a paternity test done. It’s the National Enquirer. It seems they have a picture of Edwards in a hotel room holding the baby. The magazine is apparently trying to change its image from the number one source of heat and toilet paper for the homeless to America’s number one news source.

But I’ve known for a long time and have accepted the fact that politicians cheat on their spouses. Who cares about that? I found something newsworthy about Senators McCain and Obama and, well, to say I’m totally shocked and disappointed would be an understatement. It’s short so you should probably read it first. But proceed to the story with caution and keep your legs crossed. Remember, everything that oozes from these two stems from their one shared goal… getting lots of tail in the Lincoln Room. It’s just a lot easier that way.

I must admit when reading the article it really pained me to see a few of the candidates’ music choices.

ABBA? I can just imagine McCain with his wife’s iPod not long before saying that.

Sheryl Crow? Bob Dylan? These are on Obama’s short list? I’m speechless. I had him pinned as a Kenny Rogers fan.

And of course McCain just had to throw in, “But I like Usher too.”

Holy pandering politicians!

But what really cracked me up was what McCain essentially said about a character in the last movie he’s seen.



I think he may be on to something.

Just kidding, I think Harrison Ford should kick his ass.

We're lucky they left the house intact

I was really baffled about a week ago when some brake pads came tumbling down our roof. After posting about it I came to the conclusion it was the roofers. It just had to be one of them. No one else has ever had that kind of access to the peak in our roof. I know it still doesn’t make much sense but who else could be to blame? There is just no way they could’ve dropped from a plane. No one heard any THUD and the box was found in close proximity to the discs. And when heavy boxes of metal objects fall from the sky I’m guessing they cause some kind of damage. We haven‘t found any pieces of the house lying around. By George, or, Great Scott, I’m starting to feel like Sherlock Holmes (minus the penis). Oh, and minus the cocaine too. The History Channel is a good source of info when it comes to famous dead people. But I already kind of knew he wasn’t a girl.

So, after determining who was to blame, I have to admit I got a little upset thinking about what could’ve happened. What if the kids had been playing outside at the time? I can tell you, they may be small auto parts but they are heavy little bastards. And that peak in our roof is at least one story high. I’d assume it would leave a pretty good lump on an adult’s head, so who knows what kind of damage it could do to a child’s noggin. My kids are very active and somewhat daring but I haven’t yet had to take them to the E.R. This wouldn’t have been the best first time visit either.

Doctor: So you say some auto parts fell off your roof and this is why your daughter now needs stitches?

Me: I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it? I mean, I have no idea who, when, why or how those things got up there…

Doctor: Um, yeah… No worries, but expect a visit from the Child Welfare Dept. soon. It’s strictly routine. I don’t disbelieve your story but I’ve never heard anything quite like this before. So you’ll have to understand there could be legal ramifications if I turn a blind eye…

Me: I understand. I’m just sorry when I was in a hurry to get urgent medical care for my daughter, I didn’t think to pick up the soggy box and brake pads and bring them here with us. Silly me! I can’t wait to miss a day of work so I can visit with that person who knows nothing about my family but has the power to turn us into complete strangers. Do you think they’ll believe it? I mean, I can barely believe it happened myself…

Doctor: Are you on any prescribed medications, ma’am?

Me: Not yet. You got anything good?


Not to mention my bloody child would be writhing in pain. So lucky for us, this was not the scenario.

I was beginning to forget about this whole fiasco, but then I see one of the leading stories on the internet. It just happens to be about these menacing workers called roofers. It has been determined they are to blame for the Universal Studios fire in Hollywood. I have to tell you, I’m really not at all surprised. In fact, I’m now convinced that roofers are the devil’s workers sent up here from hell to wreak havoc.

Devil: I am really bored. How can I cause more mayhem for those idiots up there on Earth? They think they’re so rad. I know, I’ll use a group of people who society doesn’t really like or respect… hmm… Prostitutes? Already did that one. Politicians? Oh yeah, that was my best work! Shit, I think I’ve already depleted my most valuable resources. Oh wait… I got a new one… Roofers! And no one will ever suspect I’m behind it. *Evil laugh*

Just jokes. But I’m glad all we got were falling discs out of the deal. And as afraid as I am of heights, on the next clear day I’m going to force myself to go up on that roof, just to make sure there aren‘t any other forgotten items that could slide down and maim someone. If I live, and find anything unusual, I’ll be sure to let you know about it.