Twisted News: Drug Counselor Tells Celebs, "Just Die Already"

Bebe Maker
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Celebrity patients undergoing treatment for substance abuse in Hollywood, CA were beside themselves when their counselor told them to, “Just die, already. Please. All of you. Just keel over and die.”

Web-certified (self-proclaimed) rehabilitation expert Simi Ragg says she was at the end of her “long, long, waaay too ffffing long assed rope” with the celebs, now her ex-patients.

“I had to kick them out of my program. You can only do so much talk therapy with these losers,” Ragg sputtered. “I thought I had a good group here. In the beginning they agreed they were insecure, greedy dumb shits who had lost all control. And I told them regularly how sad and pathetic their self-centered, woe-is-me attitudes and reckless behaviors were- and how if they continued to want all of the time they were going to get… it!”

Ragg continued, “Like I said they started on the right track. I don’t know how, why or exactly when it happened but I ended up with a room full of whining pussies and boasting idiots. What am I supposed to say when all they can talk about is how badly they need to get lit? Or their last high, and how great it was to crash into a ffffing embankment and cheat death on a bottle of Demerol? That’s loony speak.”

Note from Bebe: It was then I looked at my watch and raised a brow, noting aloud it was almost 4:00, as if I had to leave immediately and rush home to my children. Ragg saw right through me, and rambled on for what seemed like hours.

“I couldn’t imagine telling them, ‘Just live, already. Keep right on living and breathing cocaine. Keep teaching the youth who idolize you that if it isn’t dope, it isn’t chill.’ ”

“The world thinks every artist is nothing more than a walking medicine cabinet or a pissing bum in sharp threads, thanks to those boneheads. So I couldn’t tell them to keep on living. I can’t promote a DUI or insulting the Jews. That would be sarcasm- something I’m just not capable of pulling off. I’m too sincere… I’m very serious about my work.”

Although Simi Ragg’s ex-patients are celebrities, this particular group would like to remain anonymous for now. A few are working on their stories and should have them in print within months. Others will slowly but surely make appearances on reality TV. The remainder plan to, “keep bangin’ and livin’ it up till we OD, like the Ragg lady told us to.”

As for Simi Ragg, she has already fled the country. Rumor has it she’s bleeding in a cave somewhere near the Pakistani border.

Twisted News: Obama's endorsements defy laws of nature

It all started when Hillary Clinton, after fighting like mad for the Democratic nomination, came out at the convention with just as much fervor to concede and throw her weight behind Barack. When asked why she was so willing to discard her pride and step up for this shocking display of unity, she replied, “Any night I can piss off my husband is a good night.”

That same night Bill Clinton was overheard saying, “I love the guy. Why else would I be so supportive? I don’t need my wife to get a piece. Consider that when you’re in the voting booth.”


Another shocker was just last week when General Colin Powell, a Republican, came out of the closet on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’ to endorse Barack. While speaking to Tom Brokaw off-camera, he said, “Back when I was for the war I was really against it, but it was the most popular mind-set. Do I regret it? Of course. After eight years of Bush in the White House, am I ashamed to call myself a Republican? Naturally. I just went out and a bought a blue hybrid, a blue beach house in the Bahamas, and a great set of books for my young grandchild based on the TV show, ‘Blue’s Clues’. I’ve even got bluebirds and a donkey in my backyard now.”

Then Tom said, “You’ve been privately supporting Barack for months now. Why wait so long to make it public?”

Powell replied, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s pretty clear he’s the most popular candidate.”


Fast forward to this weekend. The Anchorage Daily News is the state of Alaska’s largest newspaper. Unbelievably, it was reported on CNN and internet news sites that the newspaper has publicly endorsed Barack Obama. When asked why they weren’t supporting a McCain/Palin White House, they came out with this statement…

“We are grateful for everything our sweetheart, Governor Sarah Palin, has done for Alaska and its citizens. We would love nothing more than to support a ticket with a VP candidate who governs our great state, but…

Seriously? For real? You’re kidding, right?”


And the last we will report on (but not the least) is the man who came out to shock the world as one of Barack’s strongest supporters, Joe Biden. It was leaked he will be chosen as People Magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. The editors have fallen hard for him, and stated the following reasons for their choice.

“He swallowed his pride when he accepted Barack’s offering to become the VP candidate. In the past he’s ran for President not once, but twice. That is some ‘heart-melting humility’.”

“He survived a near-death experience when an angry McCain supporter broke into his house and clubbed him in the head with a baseball bat. That is some tough. And not long after that, America’s favorite gaff machine was back to display his ‘irresistible sense of humor’.”

“He is a ‘rock solid family man’ which makes him very appealing to the ladies. Any old white guy who can make a young black woman throw her panties with abandon is incredibly sexy.”

Twisted News: Palin's first news conference

Sarah Palin may be leery of the media in general, but she was eager to take questions from many students in an elementary school gymnasium during what she thought would be a private session. This transcript is based on an audio recording, so there are no pictures. Aw, shucks.

Sarah: Hi, kids! Do you know who I am?

Girl: That lady from Saturday Night Live!? Can I please have your autograph?!

Sarah: I’m actually Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, as you’ve probably seen in The Simpsons Movie. I’m running for Vice President alongside John McCain. I’ll be signing autographs when we’re done here and you’ll be the very first to get one!

Girl: Uh, no thanks.

Boy: You were in The Simpsons Movie?

Sarah: Almost, but not quite. What I meant was Alaska is the state Homer Simpson ran to when his family was in hiding. Did you see me wink just now?

Girl: Why did you come to our school? We’re just kids.

Sarah: Well you may just be children, but I believe you are our future, so if we teach you well- oh wait, you’ll probably recognize those lines from School of Rock. Truth is - I needed a little break from being around grown-ups, and I was in the neighborhood, and your principal is a republican. So I’m here today, just to talk to you all and give you a sense of who I am, and hopefully you’ll go home and tell your parents about the nice lady running for Vice President. Does that sound cool, or what?

Cricket: Chirp-chirp.

Sarah: John McCain will become our next president if we are so blessed, and I hope you’ll think of us as the angels we are. We’re here to protect you from all of the evils out there and fight them while we reign supreme in the justice and liberties of which shall be determined should be held sacred, and other good and safe things like that. I even brought flag tattoos for all of you, which I recommend wearing proudly on your foreheads. Does staying safe sound good to you kids?

(Could be a) Boy or girl: My mom already taught me about ‘stranger danger’. Will we get candy if you win?

Sarah: Of course, and I’m glad you asked that question. Part of our economic plan includes distributing candy to every family in America. But it will have to be fair, so the rich families will get more candy than the poor ones. You see kids, poor families will be happy with whatever they get!

Boy or girl: Mom said not to take candy from strangers. Now I’m scared.

Sarah: Um, next question?

Girl: Who is Joe the Plumber? And Joe Six-Pack? Are they the same guy?

Sarah: I see some one here has been paying attention to my speeches!

Girl: Actually, I heard my grandma (who has Alzheimer’s) telling my mom that you talk about them a lot but it’s just a gimmick. Is that true? ‘Cause my grandma is kind of nuts.

Sarah: Hmm. Well let me tell you, Joe the Plumber is just as important as Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Yes he can! Can he plumb it? You betcha! Joe Six-Pack is better than Joe Camel. And a Nobama is better than an Obama. No gimmicks here kids, just the facts. And I’m so sorry about your grandma. Under John McCain’s health care plan your family can put that money to good use, ensuring your grandma is always kept far away from you. Seedy caretakers are better than none, Hon!

Boy: Can you really see Russia from your house? My big sister pretends to be you when she says it, but then she laughs, so I’m confused.

Sarah: Well here’s a little secret. If I go way up on the roof of my mansion and use a really high-powered telescope, then yes I can see Russia. Yes I can! So you tell your sister that, and you can also tell her she’s not getting any candy.

Girl: I saw you on TV with Katie Couric. Did you watch yourself?

Sarah: Now I’m curious, Sweetie. Why would you ask that?

Girl: ‘Cause if I ever got on TV I would want to watch myself, so I just wanted to know if you watched yourself. Why else?

Sarah: Well, the answer to that is a firm NO. First of all, I’d much rather stick to my line- er, talking points than veer off course and talk to any mean gotch-ya journalists out there. And to tell ya the truth, I knew when it was over it would just be a side note in our campaign. I have more important things to do than watch myself on TV, like focus on winning by saying whatever I can about our opponent on the campaign trail, and making sure my good name is kept good back home in Alaska. And I will continue in this fashion to keep things relevant because I love my America.

(Another) Boy or girl: What are gotch-ya journ-lists?

Sarah: I’m glad you asked! Gotch-ya journalists are reporters who ask trick questions to get you to say something they can pick apart and say mean things about. You know what bullies are, right? Well that’s what they are. Mean school yard bullies with a lust for the taste of blood. Sometimes they give you something funny to drink before you even get started. Well, I’ll just come right out and say it ‘cause I like to talk straight. Kids, the media and news people out there are evil. Well, all of them except Rush Limbaugh. They don’t like me because I’m angelic and good. That not only makes me better than them, but also secures my place in heaven as they sink to the depths of hell. And some day, they’ll beg for mercy as I file my nails and watch reruns of Walker: Texas Ranger with John McCain in The Situation Room. So you kids need not worry. We know how to keep you safe.

Boy: Are you saying Barack Obama can’t keep us safe?

Sarah: You’d have to ask him that question yourself, but I really don’t think he’s coming here! And I won’t say you should fear him, but I’d better let you know - if you look anything like Osama Bin Laden, he’ll shoot you dead.

Boy: Didn’t you say he is pals with terrorists?

Sarah: No, I said he pals around with terrorists. There’s a difference. So when you go to sleep at night, imagine John McCain and I floating over your house. We’re just a couple of angels sent here to reprogram your thoughts in goodness to protect you from harm, is all. But now it’s time to wrap this up. I’ve got to get back to the pumpin’, stumpin’ and tub thumpin’. Just one more question.

Girl: Do you have any advice for us girls when we grow up?

Sarah: Girls, this is important. I want you all to be winners, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. You just can’t go wrong if you find a rich, old man.

Twisted News: Ghost Stalkers

Paranormal Activity Titillates Sexually

PATS is an organization dedicated to stalking ghosts for sexual pleasure. Jimmy Bob Berry, Denny Waxoff and Andy Dumass formed the group after graduating from college together when they finally came to the realization that (for various reasons) they would never have sex with any human being. As time went on they soon attracted other like-minded individuals who were eager to, as Berry put it, “Get a good bone on and relieve ourselves while watching ghosts. It's not voyeurism if they know we're there. ”

Waxoff and Dumass were also available during the interview. Says Dumass, “I’m the original mastermind behind PATS. I’ve always had a deep fascination with the paranormal. It’s been a great experience so far. I’ll admit one misstep was walking in on Denny during a moment of climax, but he forgave me for that.”

Waxoff admitted, “It was hard to be angry at Andy. I mean, he unknowingly walked right into a jizz shower that day. And I never forgot to wear a condom after that.”

Berry claims PATS is very professional and detail-oriented. After taking care of business they clean up and leave no trace of their close encounters behind. And surprisingly, there is no shortage of haunted houses available.

“The phone rings every day,” a smiling Berry revealed. “People are always grateful when we show up with our equipment. They just want to know if it’s really a ghost in their building. They don’t care what we do when we get there. We get paid to do what we love.”

And exactly what kind of special equipment do they use?

“All we need is right here,” said Dumass, pointing toward his nether region. “In our pants,” he continued. “If we investigate a room and a ghost is present, it’s an automatic erection.”

Waxoff adds, “What could be better than this? Extra-terrestrials, that’s what. But we have yet to meet a willing alien.”

Twisted News: A once terrorized community is safe

Monica Titsley of Fakesville, Phonyland was arrested over the weekend and charged with multiple counts of stalking, lewd behavior and disturbing the peace after terrorizing a community for months. She had allegedly stalked numerous unsuspecting victims.

“No one was safe,” said Tom Thumb, a local resident. “When she zeroed in on someone it was all over but the crying.”







Deputy Gilbert Gottfried, after posing with the perp on Saturday for a photo to be included in the Sheriff Times, pummeled Ms. Titsley to the ground and cuffed her. “You can’t escape now, Miss Blow Up Pants,” he railed, “and you’ll have to listen to me squawk like a disturbed and enraged parrot until you’re finger-printed and safely locked away in your cell. How you like them apples? Ack! Did you just try to give me herpes?”

On Sunday a press conference was held and the Sheriff of Phonyland spoke to a concerned crowd of revelers.

“Citizens of Fakesville, you can all live in peace once again. Monica Titsley has been captured and brought to justice. As most of you know, she has eluded authorities for quite some time now. She has used many aliases. She has moved around frequently by deflating herself and traveling with strangers she manipulated. Sadly, she has spread herpes to many.”

“When the first complaints were filed back in January our resources were limited. Then in March, complaints about the suspect began flooding our office. It was soon apparent we needed to put together a task force dedicated to finding her as quickly as possible, to ensure the safety of the public. Thanks to their efforts and a tip from an anonymous source, she was found hiding in a twenty million dollar pimped-out cave with Bin Laden. So, I would like to thank each and every one of them for helping us put an end to this out-of-control blow-up doll’s reign of terror."

"Pizza party at my place, seven p.m. sharp. Bring your own beer and blow-up dolls! Woo!”

At the party, a drunk Deputy Gottfried was spotted leering at a blow-up doll of Princess Jasmine. Aladdin, the cartoon character, found out and wanted to kick his ass. But Genie sang a really gay tune that distracted him. Aladdin became so confused he forgot why he was angry in the first place.