Ima Maroon
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Judge Play Land threw out Captain Caveman’s complaint on Wednesday against the legendary animated comic hero, Superman, saying it was, “a lawsuit a grade-schooler could find irony in.”
Play Land also noted the litigation has fueled the small but loud “birther movement” against Superman, and described it as, “nothing but a stack of rhetoric covered in poo gravy.”
Caveman filed the complaint as an effort to club Superman’s orders for the Captain to deploy to an animated version of Iraq.
Caveman’s logic for shirking orders is based on it’s claim that since Superman was never born on the planet Krypton he is a phony, and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to commandeer.
Caveman issued this written statement in advance:
Caveman’s proof includes it’s strong belief that if Superman were actually born on the planet Krypton, he wouldn’t have a deadly allergic reaction to kryptonite. It makes no sense whatsoever. How can something on his own planet- with basically the same name- send the ‘man of steel’ spiraling tragically into a death roll? That I’d have to see to believe, but he won’t put on a demonstration. What is he hiding?
Caveman also believes Superman has used 39 aliases, all stolen from other animated characters.
Caveman itself spoke to us for a moment before entering the court room. “If Superjerk win, terrorist win; no way me gonna win game of Club, Gun, Bomb!”
In response to that Superman said, “Caveman is a cartoon character. It will be up against other cartoons and cannot be exterminated. It has nothing to worry about. What a jackass.”
As Play Land ruled against Caveman, she also had this to say, “Unlike in ‘Alice in Wonderland’, simply saying something is so doesn’t make it so.”
She then ordered Caveman to, “Go to hell. I mean, Iraq.”
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Twisted News: Captain's Lawsuit Fails
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My Thoughts on the VMA Show
Music Video Awards makes a lot more sense than Video Music Awards… Aren’t they called music videos, or is that so totally 80’s?
I almost didn’t watch after turning on the Pre Show and seeing Taylor Swift arrive in a Cinderella carriage. I think it says a lot about how most famous under-talented musicians view themselves. Then I read on Twitter last night Green Day had won something- I decided to try and sit through it. It gets more difficult every year, pretending to be a teenager. Even worse- my MTV, or what barely passes as a cable company, was on a serious time delay of some hours (probably for censorship reasons, since the show was censored, ******* bull****!). So it didn’t even start until 10:00 or 10:30 MST and went on forever (like this). I documented my evil observations and eventually got some time to type it up so, whatever. Work sucks.
Madonna, Key Note Speaker: She got entirely too much mic time. In her babblings I heard something about a witch hunt against MJ… she went on to slam herself and everyone else for abandoning him. After seeing Janet I really hoped she would find her and attack (maybe a nip would pop out and hit her in the eye) just because her BS was so over the top while here she was, playing a serious role. Then again, she might enjoy being roughed up. Final thoughts: There’s really no point in nip-slapping unless they’re both into angry lesbian sex. Some things I just don’t want to know.
Russell Brand, Host: Not a bit funny without a good script and director on his ass. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Not a bit funny except in that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. For the record I haven’t seen his other work, but he made me yawn last night. I wonder if I’m the first woman to actually say that last part.
Cinderf***ingella: She wouldn’t be there without the masses of little girls who were first brainwashed by Disney into thinking Miley Cyrus is talented. Hannah Montana lowered the bar for her, so I’d be surprised if some day a sex tape doesn’t surface, compliments of Katy Perry (someone needs to hold the camera). Wait. What?
Kanye West, Auto-Tune King: Although what he did to Taylor Swift made me laugh out loud, it has to be the crappiest thing anyone has ever done in all of TV award show history. I still don’t like his music and like him even less as a person now but damn it, I have to give him some ‘instant ego deflation’ points for taking her down such a huge notch in literally seconds. And the look on Beyonce’s face. Ha. Perhaps she was thinking, Oh F no! You didn’t just let the world know I think I’m better than Taylor Swift! Well truthfully, she is.
Green Day: They won Best Rock Video and for a moment I felt like anything was possible. Maybe Swift would sneak a ‘FU Kanye’ into her performance, gain instant favor with the far, way-over-there right and become Glenn Beck’s top pick for the race in 2012. Or McCain’s next VP choice (he isn’t dead yet).
Lady Ga Ga: In all of her attention whore glory, out-doing Madonna’s past costumes and moves, she even raped a piano at one point… but I just can’t hate her because she loves the gays. She still has to learn some day that she’s not a baby, and change that ridiculous name.
Okay, don’t ask me how I survived most of it, especially the Jackson Memorial book ends (he is gone, can we just accept it?). I think it had to be…
The Eminem-Morgan Show: And near the end when they brought in Cyndi Lauper I nearly hit the floor. But please, someone give Tracy his VMA so this won’t be revisited again next year… unless (of course) Phil Collins can be persuaded to make an appearance.
So, after Lady Ga Ga Goo Goo it finally got to that point- I assumed I wasn’t going to see any acts worth watching. Then wa-lah, Green Day took the stage. For a few awesome minutes, everything was right in the world.
Beyonce: What can I say? I love this woman, only because I’ve always aspired (wished) to look just like her. I’ve already got the hair. Remember the way it poofed while she was busting a gut? I can make mine do that. So it’s clear nature gave me a good start. All I’d need is the right amount of steroid, boob inserts and a high-quality spray-on tan… wow, I’m turning myself on just thinking of all the guys I will turn on, in theory.
Kanye, Forever and Ever: Yes, the entire world is sick of him now. And yet he appears again, to open his mouth, oblivious as to why the crowd is booing when he mentions himself… How big can one ego get? I think we just found out.
Pink: The acrobatics were refreshing and the only reason I paid any attention. And it really brought home the point that the show was a circus. Then, looking at her- no boobs whatsoever, more muscular than your average dude, starting shit with Kanye on Twitter… I think someone could be getting a good daily helping of steroids. Of course I don’t want to know but I tend to think normally she smells like rotten eggs and sweat. I also don’t know how I got most of this based on her looks. Hmm…
The rest, I don’t care to recall. Is it way too late for a Woah oh oh, oh oh oh? Good. I was sick to death of that song months ago.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Twisted News: Drug Counselor Tells Celebs, "Just Die Already"
Bebe Maker
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Celebrity patients undergoing treatment for substance abuse in Hollywood, CA were beside themselves when their counselor told them to, “Just die, already. Please. All of you. Just keel over and die.”
Web-certified (self-proclaimed) rehabilitation expert Simi Ragg says she was at the end of her “long, long, waaay too ffffing long assed rope” with the celebs, now her ex-patients.
“I had to kick them out of my program. You can only do so much talk therapy with these losers,” Ragg sputtered. “I thought I had a good group here. In the beginning they agreed they were insecure, greedy dumb shits who had lost all control. And I told them regularly how sad and pathetic their self-centered, woe-is-me attitudes and reckless behaviors were- and how if they continued to want all of the time they were going to get… it!”
Ragg continued, “Like I said they started on the right track. I don’t know how, why or exactly when it happened but I ended up with a room full of whining pussies and boasting idiots. What am I supposed to say when all they can talk about is how badly they need to get lit? Or their last high, and how great it was to crash into a ffffing embankment and cheat death on a bottle of Demerol? That’s loony speak.”
Note from Bebe: It was then I looked at my watch and raised a brow, noting aloud it was almost 4:00, as if I had to leave immediately and rush home to my children. Ragg saw right through me, and rambled on for what seemed like hours.
“I couldn’t imagine telling them, ‘Just live, already. Keep right on living and breathing cocaine. Keep teaching the youth who idolize you that if it isn’t dope, it isn’t chill.’ ”
“The world thinks every artist is nothing more than a walking medicine cabinet or a pissing bum in sharp threads, thanks to those boneheads. So I couldn’t tell them to keep on living. I can’t promote a DUI or insulting the Jews. That would be sarcasm- something I’m just not capable of pulling off. I’m too sincere… I’m very serious about my work.”
Although Simi Ragg’s ex-patients are celebrities, this particular group would like to remain anonymous for now. A few are working on their stories and should have them in print within months. Others will slowly but surely make appearances on reality TV. The remainder plan to, “keep bangin’ and livin’ it up till we OD, like the Ragg lady told us to.”
As for Simi Ragg, she has already fled the country. Rumor has it she’s bleeding in a cave somewhere near the Pakistani border.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
King Interviews The Grim Reaper
Humph. Well if you want the story to die, why don’t you kill it?
Smart ass.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Eddie Murphy & Madonna, some new thoughts
I recall blogging about Eddie Murphy last year, after he was interviewed by Al Roker and said he plans a return to stand-up comedy. That tickled me. I was a fan in the 80’s so of course I’m rooting for the Murphster to bounce back. He’s not a washed-up has-been!
To be fair he said he had movie commitments to attend to first. That was his global warning we should brace ourselves. Luckily my kids didn’t want to meet Dave. They’ve already met Dr. Do Little and in their defense, they were under the influence of helium and sugar-8-balls and it was like… 10 years ago. Hell, some of them weren’t even born yet.
Take heed if you have little girls. In the near future you may be dragged cursing to a theater near you. The three of us (in theory I’m little too) have seen his latest trailer, and the only career that could benefit from this is that of his young female co-star. My girls want to see it so I’m already mentally preparing… to pass this one off on their father.
I want to believe he’ll make a triumphant comeback via live stage and a tour. I’m just concerned the utter embarrassment of promoting Meet Dave made him sputter absurdities. Like I’ve said before, I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him perform stand-up. And I’d still like to hit her so hard I’d send her back to Sean Penn. But seriously, that isn’t even remotely possible.
Since their brief, crazy stint together in the 80’s (after the drugs she slipped into his drinks wore off) she’s been screwed by enough guys to populate an entire country. That country could be called… Madashell.
When I was a teenager there were a lot of sluts and dirty-dogs in my neighborhood who thought AIDS was a charitable organization. Due to it still being a threat 20 years later I can only assume this ignorance lives on in the minds of some trashy white people. Sean Penn was never one of them.
So… what’s/who’s the next A-Rod? After Madonna has regurgitated every jock in every nation with a team she’ll be forced to relocate to a smaller, dumber country than the one she’s already stolen 1 child away from (they’re on to her now). She’ll steal a castle or have one built, and every night a new baby will be brought in for dinner… An unsuspecting and well-hung bloke for dessert. She’ll find a way to live forever. In 2100 she’ll have already exhausted every species in the animal kingdom and will move on to rare auto parts.
Since Eddie Murphy was probably mad-bangin’ her post-Penn, I blame Madonna for his musical contributions. Wait, did I say ‘musical’? I meant WTF, and why did the radio stations play his crappy songs? She liked to party all the time. See, it just makes sense. Well, not really. Nothing in pop culture makes sense - the 80’s weren’t much different. And because nearly every girl aged 7-17 dressed up like, emulated and worshipped her… And boys from 7 to 71 wanted to do her… Well let’s just say Oprah still dreams one day she’ll have that kind of power.
Miley Cyrus has said Madonna is her idol/role model. I think that’s as good a reason as any for the masses to boycott Hannah Montana. But why stop there when you can get a bulldozer and crush every CD bearing the name Cyrus? Remember The Dixie Chicks backlash? Think of it as a chance to right the wrongs of the past, America.
The End…
Or is it? Will Eddie Murphy return to comedy? Will Madonna die from AIDS?
Monday, May 18, 2009
IFAW Epic Fail: The Tiger Debate
Once upon a time in a land far, far away I foolishly thought I’d finally found that special dot.org which not only shared my love for the world’s helpless creatures but might also be backed by some common sense. After all, I’d never heard of IFAW (International Fund For Animal Welfare) provoking blind followers to throw paint or animal guts on people wearing fur…
Or to make love to vegetables…
There’s a cucumber joke here, I just can’t see it…
Once upon a time I also thought one voice could make a difference in a room full of dummies. Then I watched ten minutes of C-SPAN…
Once upon a time I also thought one voice could make a difference in a party full of dummies. Then I heard Nancy Pelosi speak and thought, Yeah…
After signing up for IFAW’s emails and reading them every blue moon it became clear I was very wrong. But I found them so amusing I couldn’t bring myself to unsubscribe. So now I take a few minutes to share the gist of an outrageous one I got a week ago that I actually read.
Subject (direct quote): Tell ABC and the Chinese Embassy to say “NO!” to eating tigers
Omigods! WTF is this about?
Body (summed up with their words but not direct quotes): ABC is irresponsible and crazy… John Stossel is dangerous… He said we should eat tigers… Express your outrage… Email 20/20 and the Chinese Embassy. Get these tiger farms shut down…
Time for a reality check!
A minute with google and I found John Stossel and Jeff Diamond's story which just happens to make perfect sense, and pretty much proves IFAW is an organization run by monkeys gone bananas for people who can’t think for themselves. Oh but they DO have a cute man helper, don’t they?
Work of art or 5 yrs without shaving?
So it turns out (and anybody who watched 20/20 on May 8th already knows this) John Stossel isn’t going to demand a tiger burger at Fuddrucker’s anytime soon. His whole point was if the Chinese were allowed to own tigers and raise them in captivity the chances are very good, perhaps better, they’d survive in the long run. And if the Chinese people just happen to like eating tiger, why shouldn't they be able to get it legally? It's not like they could smoke them... well, actually...
After all, buffalo ranches out West saved those juicy beasts from extinction. And yes, they are delicious.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
King Interviews REO Speedwagon, Styx & 38 Special
First let’s bring out a group who is very near and dear to my heart. With like… 1,005 monster radio hits and such classics as Flash Tan Queen, Little Queenie and Keep Pushin’… This band needs no introduction. REO Speedwagon, come out!
What the… Sorry folks. They’re not here. Wait… What’s that? Okay! They’re out in the parking lot and we’re going live right now!
Da-dum da-dum, da-dah! I finally got on with the King! ‘Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Yeah.
I’m your genuine REO Speedwagon! Isn’t that what you wanted? C’mon now. Roll with the changes.
Looks like I’m riding the storm out. But… It’s a short one! So if you don’t take it on the run, baby… ‘Cause that’s the way I want it, baby… That’s right! You’re going straight to the auction block.
Awww, why you gotta be like that honey? Fine. Have it your way. It’s time for me to fly.
Damn straight. Get yo ass back home girlfriend! Now let’s get Styx in here and try to forget the last few minutes. Please, just try to forget.
Hey! We’re so happy to be here! We are Styx!
Nooooo, you’re not. You are definitely not Styx.
We nine glow sticks represent the current and former members of the most awesome and wonderful band Styx!
That is sooooo not right. Listen up chumps, that would make ten members altogether. Not nine! Ten!
Well, the Dennis DeYoung glow stick couldn’t make it. He’s in another world right now. A fabulous world filled with bright, hot lights… The briskly tantalizing and glorious sounds of giant synthesizers making sweet, sweet love. Did you know when synthesizers climax…
Where the F*** is he?
… We sticks are reborn and glow another five minutes. Geez… He’s at a Styx concert. Duh!
As long as you’re here and obviously fans, let me ask one thing before I throw you at the mercy of the kidlets. Back in 1997, a cult known as Heaven’s Gate poisoned themselves to join what they believed were aliens traveling in the wake of a comet. Some say your missing glow stick predicted this event with the song Come Sail Away. Dennis DeYoung… Prophet, or trippin’ hardcore nuts on the acid?
Holy fluorescents! What kind of question is that? It’s just screaming insane asylum…
And that’s where you’re going right now. Bye! Have fun with the kiddies! And I assure you they will never, ever be coming back. Why is this happening to the King? I have a face my mommy loves! And now I’m horribly afraid to call out our last guests. But I kind of, must… And why not shovel more worm poo on this rotting corpse of a show? So without further delaying my inevitable doom, .38 Special?
No need to be frightened, King! I’m just a sexy little thing looking for a place to rest my butt for a spell. See how good I look on your pillow? Keep me under here long enough for the brats to make a discovery and play a super-fun game called Wild West. I can’t wait until I’m in the hands of the lucky bastard playing Cowboy!
Well, anything is better than those phony Styx. What do I need to know? Could you make the King even more horrifying to women, children, hairless men and small animals? Would you be easy for the King to handle?
It’s really simple! Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.
Where the F*** were you on 9/11?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Twisted News: Pet Airways has Snoopy seeing $$$$$$
When I found this odd story on the wonderful world of web I had some trouble wrapping my mind around it. To me, the whole concept of pets flying on their very own airline seems a bit twisted. Or at least really bad timing. We’re in a recession and the human airline industry has suffered but, what the hell! They must know we’ll give our pets the very best. That’s why when I travel I leave my dogs with a greasy 18-yr-old homebody, hard up for a twenty dollar bill and all the food he can scrape off the bottom of an oven (before he comes over - his parents pay him to leave now).
On July 14th this ‘first of its kind’ airline will make its long awaited debut and begin flying what I assume will be the favorite children of America’s rich and famous. So if it wears tailored clothing it’s welcome. *Here’s where you imagine a poodle in a pink $200 sweater that fits oh-so-nice. Or you could go with Michael Jackson’s chimp in an altered toddler tux and cufflinks. The possibilities are endless.
Prices start at $149 for a one-way ticket. So it looks like my puppy Sarge, nicknamed Shredder, has less than 3 months to get his shit together (his act - he has nothing left to pack). On July 11th he’ll turn 1 yr so it’s not much to ask. This extremely cute Retriever has not behaved in any manner consistent with his handsomeness. He’s cost me hundreds in chewed-up bras, appliance cords, dog house, etc. What’s another $149 bucks? Who wouldn’t want to play a game called Who’s The Next Sucker?
I just want him to stop with the bipolar bit. He’s not fooling me. I know he’s crazy ALL of the time.
Flights on Pet Airways will be available in New York, Denver, L.A., Chicago and Washington, D.C.! Lucky Obama family. When their tootsies get sore from all that chewing they can ship off US Treasury Secretary (who doubles as President of France) Timothy Geithner for a weekend. Their new puppy Bo could accompany him, just to keep a watchful eye.
Washington D.C. - you couldn’t pick a better location. I know whenever I think ‘menagerie’…
If you thought perhaps you could fly with your pet - the good news is, you can’t! So don’t worry. No one will be expecting that of you. The only things allowed for the ride that are remotely close to human beings are the strange creatures they call Pet Attendants. It's a tough job but they know all the pertinent languages like Cat, Dog and Dead Goldfish.
Still interested? Do your pets have their own booster seats at the dinner table? Do you ever push them in a stroller? Then this is what you do. You leave your precious pooches at what the airline calls the Pet Lounge. So tell them to leave their wallets at home or bring their best poker faces. It’s the Pet Lounge. That’ll grow ‘em up in a hurry.
A Pet Attendant takes them to potty a couple hours before boarding, which makes me wonder. How does this work at an airport? What can I say. I live in a world where animals do their business outside. And I haven’t had to use the facilities at a Pet Smart. It was weird enough sidestepping dogs, water bowls on the floor and as I was leaving - hearing a clerk’s answer to my joke question, “Anyone ever bitten?”
“Just once, at least while I’ve been here.”
Pet Smart? Oh-kay.
Dumbfounded, I left with eyebrows slightly raised. Around here when a dog bites it bites the dust. Literally. It doesn’t get that second taste of human flesh. We kill it. But what can you expect from a city that lets a dog attack his neighbor twice? Yep, that city also has a Pet Smart. So that settles it. I’m not going back. At least I’ll never have to find out if their restrooms have sandboxes.
So, back to the news that would have Snoopy and his poodle bitches partying in first class if Charles Schulz were still alive (but he would call them ladies). The attendant, much hairier than your average stewardess, sits with your pet the entire flight and caters to its every need. Well, maybe not every need and I should hope not.
I’m wondering, if it gets too noisy or there are species wars, do they use certain tactics like playing the movie Madagascar 2 (the one where the plane crashes)?
Random Poll: Would you use this airline service for your pets?
A) Yes! What a creative way to (once and for all) lose Spot.
B) The ‘not knowing’ seems dreadful and bullets are much cheaper.
C) Would be too much trouble; my pet’s name is on the watch list.
D) I don’t have any pets. I really like polls and I’m pissed that this isn’t interactive. I like to watch the results appear before my eyes and see how my answer compares to others. WTF is this? You lazy bitch.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The adoption option
Whenever I think on this subject one thing that really gets my blood boiling, especially since half of those ‘special’ people who ‘work for us’ in Washington are ‘gay on the side’… is that in most places in the US a gay couple can’t even adopt. Well, maybe there aren’t any laws banning it unless you’re in Arkansas, or was that Alabama and what’s the difference? Even so, they’d rather place a waiting child into the hands of a 100-yr-old couple who cane youngin’s at will.
This…
…And this could happen to a child near you.
Yes, maybe some do deserve a good caning. 99% probably need one, but try telling that to a social worker. Seriously though, no kid should ever, ever have to change a bedpan…
When using the word ‘gay’ I’m talking about men of course. Gay women can go to a sperm bank so I’m not even acknowledging them here. I just think it’s so totally unfair. Plus, I’m not related to any gay women so call me biased if you want. It doesn’t change the inequality.
Gay people are just like us. Except they’re gay, which a lot of people get hung up on because according to their bibles they’ll burn in hell right alongside everyone who lies, cheats, steals and listens to extremists. I think what that means is when the world ends the entire city of Washington, D.C. will turn into a giant lake of fire and everyone tuned into Rush Limbaugh will suddenly feel their heads explode.
I know it’s up to each state to decide whether or not to allow or ban a gay couple from providing just as much love as a straight one to children who truly need it. So I wish they’d come to their senses and look at it from a logical perspective. Why must the bible always be used as a divisive device when there’s so much we could learn from it? To be more specific, it clearly states in Revelations that in the year 2012 Washington, D.C. will turn into a lake of fire and Rush will reveal to his listeners he is the son of Lucifer himself causing heads to violently explode. Then, according to the mother of one of my daughter’s friends*, Yellowstone National Park will erupt and destroy us all.
*Ask your kids what they’ve heard lately at school but sit down first.
Of course before that happens, President Obama (who was in Hawaii hosting a party for his party) will lead his followers to the new city of Jerusalem where Senator Max Baucus will finally be free to dance in the daisies and put flowers in his hair. But not before letting everyone know he still opposes gay marriage, adding he just doesn’t think it’s fair to ban it.
So Montana Max will still be one of many confusing Democrats, but since he’s taken more pro-Israel PAC money than anyone it gives him a free pass to enter the city of gold. What I mean is, since he’s been such a huge supporter of Israel he’ll breeze right in while Rush burns for all eternity… the fact that Max has received well over $319,000 in his career from those contributions alone is just a side note.
How much to get Maxi out of the closet?
By now you must obviously be wondering how Oct-O-Mom fits into all of this, so I’ll briefly drop the silliness and even the sarcasm. If Nadya Suleman really wanted everyone to leave her alone she’d give up the babies and a few others for adoption. Her kids would be happy, the public would be happy and the media would temporarily melt into a pool of tears. Wouldn’t it be for the best?
The only downside is gays still can’t adopt but if they could just rustle up a shit load of money for the right people or lie on the application… Well, I’ll always be an optimist.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Nadya Suleman sleeps with stuffed animals
I’m not feeling bitchy or anything, I’m just bored. I originally wrote this a few weeks ago, but I’ve updated it in a couple of places with *asterisks*.
What happened to the good old-fashioned hot and steamy way of making a baby? In case you’re lost (crazy mom who pays for sperm) maybe you should go back to the Build-A-Bear workshop. I’m thinking she wouldn’t understand because her bed is filled with stuffed kitty-cats and assorted inanimate objects.
I’m talking about SEX. I’m talking about a woman getting naked with a man, and the chemistry is so WOW they can think of nothing in the heat of the moment but YOWZA… see, she wouldn’t understand.
If these are true sex fiends in the rawest form (and what’s so wrong with that?) they’ll soon have a tiny little version of themselves demanding constant attention for the next 18 years. Actually it’s more like 35, but who’s counting?
This college grad/fridge artist appreciates his mother’s cooking.
I’m not against sperm banks. It’s just I’d always thought they were for lesbians? Well? I can’t think of any other reason they should exist. But I can remember hearing something possibly 15 years ago about a handful of straight ‘mature’ women who for one reason or another were having trouble rustling up some quality jizz the traditional way. They thought having kids when they were all shagged out was the ultimate way to feel or stay young while making some use of an idle vag.
Idiots! Having kids is as anti-youth as you can get. It speeds up the aging process. You have a kid when you’re 20 and BAM! You’re 30. Just like that. Having a kid is not something to put off until you’re 40 people! But enough about procrastinators. This is about Nadya Suleman.
She makes Angelina Jolie look… nearly harmless?
She has some serious problems I don’t think even Dr. Phil could handle if he were a doctor. Having all 6 plus 8 more of her children with NO SEX is just the tip of the iceberg.
When the story first broke* it didn’t seem nearly as horrible. We couldn’t see her face. And it was reported she worked in the medical field, had a great salary and was living in a home her parents had bought for her. If a couple wants to help their responsible, hard-working daughter who loves kids and can afford to give her a house, then what’s the big deal? I thought not to freak out over some random woman having a shit load of kids at once.
*That story probably came from her PR lady, before she turned piss-yellow and quit recently. I guess she thought doing it pro bono would help drum up business, but in the end maybe she learned PR isn’t about being an outright lying bitch. It’s more like diminishing the negatives and highlighting the positives. Hulk Hogan could do better.
Now the story has taken a dramatic turn. Truth is, she doesn’t have a job at all and has been mooching off of hard-working folks while continuing to breed without the aid of a penis. And, Miss My-Womb-Is-So-Awesome-Men-Hate-Me is living with her parents too? WTF? All 9 family members crammed into a 3 bedroom shanty? So many questions I have! Well, actually just a few…
· When she was a kid, why did her parents insist on having loud, raunchy sex with their bedroom door open? It could’ve happened.
· Depending on the situation, why didn’t her parents either kick her out of their house on child number 3 or prevent her from moving in with them in the first place? So what if the grandkids are disabled. There comes a time when you need to explain to your grown child the concept of being an adult. It means in the very least if you lose your job and can’t support the kids you already have, you should stop having kids.
They could’ve packed her shit up, pointed her into the direction of a homeless shelter and kept the kids as collateral. She probably owed them a fortune at that point. But no, they let her and the 6 offspring live with them… I’m just saying, I think the cuckoo bird might not fly very far from the tree, which houses a entire family of cuckoo birds.
· Where oh where are they planning on putting 8 babies?* I guess the master plan consists of dresser drawers, cardboard boxes and incest.
*The true plan has since been revealed. She has a website (surprise!) and is accepting donations. No one saw that coming! And really no one but she is more deserving of the public’s generosity. It isn’t like the money would be wasted, since the nearest Child Protection Agency shouldn’t be preparing right now to swoop in. Maybe it’s not Texas, but come on now…
*And I hear Sarah Palin is happy she won’t be losing any of her website’s donors over this. But I just have to ask… Would Sarah Palin give you a kidney?
I wish I could be the one to tell her that she has no chance in hell of ever starring in a movie with Brad Pitt and then stealing him away. Sorry Nadya, but you will never make Mrs. Pitt the next Jennifer Aniston.
What if I’m wrong and she wants Angelina Jolie?
Either way, someone better remove her uterus, put her in a straightjacket, THEN explain to her how babies are made. Force her to watch celebrity sex tapes. (*Rather than starring in them - I just read her wiki page at the last minute here, and she’s received a serious offer to make a porno!) It could make Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson feel like their work was suddenly making a difference. (*Or if she accepts the offer and does porn herself she’d be teaching others, therefore righting all of her wrongs?)
Who is crazier… Nadya Suleman or Sarah Palin?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Two tips for golfers on defeating Tiger Woods
I usually have no trouble falling asleep. I just pop some DMB into the stereo, climax and then Dave’s soft and soulful voice does the rest. He should really put out a lullaby album. Just think of a stampede of mothers flooding Babies R Us for that CD. And I promise to never throw ‘climax’ and ‘babies’ into the same paragraph ever again, unless I’m telling you what’s wrong with buying sperm.
I wrote something over two weeks ago about the octuplet mom. It’s obnoxiously long so if I’m feeling bitchy soon I’ll post it.
Usually I fall sleep easy, but one of my sons got an amp for his birthday a few weeks back and chose to stay up until midnight playing his guitar. I’m not complaining. I enjoy it since his goal isn’t to wake the neighbors or make the dogs bark. It sounds good and makes me forget my trivial troubles. He has long since stopped playing and fallen asleep, and yet for some reason I can’t wind down. I’ll be fine since moms can run on only a few hours sleep. It all started 17 years ago with cries in the night, and that was me trying to mix formula properly with one eye open… anyway…
When I can’t sleep I read, and I noticed a story on my homepage about Tiger Woods returning to golf after an 8-month hiatus because apparently no one gives a shit about golf unless he is playing. And you know money makes the world go round (sorry kids it’s true). So let me get this straight…
The entire sport of golf as we know it is doomed unless Tiger Woods is involved? Who would’ve thunk? Surely not me, who can’t really name any other golfer off the top of my head other than Leslie Spalding, who will always be famous around these parts. So I came up with two half-assed tips for the others, the unknowns who really love the sport (is it a sport?) and can’t for the life of them get noticed thanks to the living legend who really doesn’t need the money yet keeps reappearing like he is Michael Jordan or something. Sorry Tiger but unless you appear in a movie with Bugs Bunny, have a song written for that movie by a child molester or have women guessing what kind of undies you wear, you are a nobody.
Yeah, who am I kidding? But I might as well finish this anyway.
Tip 1) Watch the movie Happy Gilmore. It is a complete how-to on rattling the star of the golf course. You know the only reason Adam Sandler’s character didn’t give up after being hit by a car was it would’ve entirely killed the ending. And not even Tiger Woods could pull off that dramatic win. You wouldn’t be able to steal his house, but if you bribed a heckler or a mental hospital escapee I’m talking real results. And how can Tiger Woods thinking about midgets save him?
Tip 2) Don’t read my blog. This is a stupid waste of web space. I could be sharing recipes or poetry, and here I am telling people to watch Happy Gilmore. I should be attacked by a mob of angry midgets or the entire cast of Wizard Of Oz right now…
Should we even care about golf? Or should we just zone out in front of the TV watching old movies?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thank you Grandpa, for everything
Grandpa’s dead now… Well, since Christmas Eve he’s been dead for two years and I'm just now beginning to accept it. I hope I go out like he did - in my sleep. I know, boring as hell, but if it’s on Christmas Day at least I can haunt my descendants a little (the ones who remember me) on what is supposed to be a happy holiday. Christmas Day, Eve - what’s the difference? He couldn’t have planned it any better than that. In fact, without even knowing it he may have been trying to steal the baby Jesus’ thunder. And how can you knock a guy for inadvertently trying? Of course that’s speculation but it’s true he wasn’t a big fan of the manger, or to be more specific, anything religious or even slightly Catholic-y.
Yes, dying in my sleep in my seventies on Christmas Day is exactly how I want to go. Once you hit 80, how can life be any good? A typical day for me at that age would probably consist of coughing up blood, writing a few crappy lines about the “good ole days” right after swallowing a bunch of pills, cursing out the neighbor kids, inspecting my poop and then sleeping for 16 hours. Whoopee!
Grandpa went out right. It was the right time and the right way. He was getting too old to keep driving, let alone keep kayaking the rapids. All he did was worry me the last six years of his life anyway. When thinking about my own children and grandchildren I think six years of stress would be sufficient.
But really, as great as it seems I wouldn’t have to die on Christmas Day. I’d settle for any holiday just as long as I have a few grandkids around to make my own children feel guilty for not spending enough time with me when I was an old maid. Just because they’ll have their own lives is no excuse for the inevitable neglect. Someone has to call them out, even if it’s in advance. Guilt is what makes a family go round. And if anyone should feel guilty, how is that my fault? We all have our share to carry. Some of us just choose to ignore it.
So as I was saying four paragraphs ago, Grandpa’s dead now, but in an attempt to find some kind of wisdom to pass on to my sons (who are turning 17, 16 and 15 this year) I’ve been looking back at his life. I think it’s my own way of dealing with the fact that I can’t call him up and ask, “So what the heck do I tell these hormonal punks?”
As it turns out, the life he lived is a gold mine of valuable information. Here is a tidbit of what I’ve told my sons: Be careful who you help out. Rescue a dog and you’ll have a faithful friend. Rescue a hooker and she’ll stab you in the back. The beautiful ones you always seem to lose.
Okay, that last line is actually from a Prince song but that doesn’t make it any less true. And this has nothing to do with Grandpa (or Prince) but I’ve also warned, “You’ll need a f**king army or a crazy bitch to stop one. Don’t call me!”
I guess in a few years they’ll already have learned this stuff on their own. Who ever listens to their parents, anyway? Oh... No… They’d better not call me!
Finally, I don’t want to get mushy or anything and you probably can’t read this but I’ll always love and miss you Grandpa. Thanks for everything.
