Twisted News: Captain's Lawsuit Fails

Ima Maroon

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Judge Play Land threw out Captain Caveman’s complaint on Wednesday against the legendary animated comic hero, Superman, saying it was, “a lawsuit a grade-schooler could find irony in.”

Play Land also noted the litigation has fueled the small but loud “birther movement” against Superman, and described it as, “nothing but a stack of rhetoric covered in poo gravy.”

Caveman filed the complaint as an effort to club Superman’s orders for the Captain to deploy to an animated version of Iraq.




Caveman’s logic for shirking orders is based on it’s claim that since Superman was never born on the planet Krypton he is a phony, and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to commandeer.

Caveman issued this written statement in advance:

Caveman’s proof includes it’s strong belief that if Superman were actually born on the planet Krypton, he wouldn’t have a deadly allergic reaction to kryptonite. It makes no sense whatsoever. How can something on his own planet- with basically the same name- send the ‘man of steel’ spiraling tragically into a death roll? That I’d have to see to believe, but he won’t put on a demonstration. What is he hiding?

Caveman also believes Superman has used 39 aliases, all stolen from other animated characters.

Caveman itself spoke to us for a moment before entering the court room. “If Superjerk win, terrorist win; no way me gonna win game of Club, Gun, Bomb!”

In response to that Superman said, “Caveman is a cartoon character. It will be up against other cartoons and cannot be exterminated. It has nothing to worry about. What a jackass.”

As Play Land ruled against Caveman, she also had this to say, “Unlike in ‘Alice in Wonderland’, simply saying something is so doesn’t make it so.”

She then ordered Caveman to, “Go to hell. I mean, Iraq.”