Eddie Murphy & Madonna, some new thoughts

I recall blogging about Eddie Murphy last year, after he was interviewed by Al Roker and said he plans a return to stand-up comedy. That tickled me. I was a fan in the 80’s so of course I’m rooting for the Murphster to bounce back. He’s not a washed-up has-been!





To be fair he said he had movie commitments to attend to first. That was his global warning we should brace ourselves. Luckily my kids didn’t want to meet Dave. They’ve already met Dr. Do Little and in their defense, they were under the influence of helium and sugar-8-balls and it was like… 10 years ago. Hell, some of them weren’t even born yet.

Take heed if you have little girls. In the near future you may be dragged cursing to a theater near you. The three of us (in theory I’m little too) have seen his latest trailer, and the only career that could benefit from this is that of his young female co-star. My girls want to see it so I’m already mentally preparing… to pass this one off on their father.

I want to believe he’ll make a triumphant comeback via live stage and a tour. I’m just concerned the utter embarrassment of promoting Meet Dave made him sputter absurdities. Like I’ve said before, I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him perform stand-up. And I’d still like to hit her so hard I’d send her back to Sean Penn. But seriously, that isn’t even remotely possible.

Since their brief, crazy stint together in the 80’s (after the drugs she slipped into his drinks wore off) she’s been screwed by enough guys to populate an entire country. That country could be called… Madashell.

When I was a teenager there were a lot of sluts and dirty-dogs in my neighborhood who thought AIDS was a charitable organization. Due to it still being a threat 20 years later I can only assume this ignorance lives on in the minds of some trashy white people. Sean Penn was never one of them.

So… what’s/who’s the next A-Rod? After Madonna has regurgitated every jock in every nation with a team she’ll be forced to relocate to a smaller, dumber country than the one she’s already stolen 1 child away from (they’re on to her now). She’ll steal a castle or have one built, and every night a new baby will be brought in for dinner… An unsuspecting and well-hung bloke for dessert. She’ll find a way to live forever. In 2100 she’ll have already exhausted every species in the animal kingdom and will move on to rare auto parts.

Since Eddie Murphy was probably mad-bangin’ her post-Penn, I blame Madonna for his musical contributions. Wait, did I say ‘musical’? I meant WTF, and why did the radio stations play his crappy songs? She liked to party all the time. See, it just makes sense. Well, not really. Nothing in pop culture makes sense - the 80’s weren’t much different. And because nearly every girl aged 7-17 dressed up like, emulated and worshipped her… And boys from 7 to 71 wanted to do her… Well let’s just say Oprah still dreams one day she’ll have that kind of power.

Miley Cyrus has said Madonna is her idol/role model. I think that’s as good a reason as any for the masses to boycott Hannah Montana. But why stop there when you can get a bulldozer and crush every CD bearing the name Cyrus? Remember The Dixie Chicks backlash? Think of it as a chance to right the wrongs of the past, America.

The End…

Or is it? Will Eddie Murphy return to comedy? Will Madonna die from AIDS?

Dear John...

This is Elizabeth’s fake reply to John’s fake letter as posted here.

Dear John,

F*** YOU. This is all on YOU. Did you honestly think the truth would never come out? Seriously? Did you think for one minute you could not only cheat on me, but then just as easily chase me out of your life? Ah yes, that would be the icing on the mother f***ing cake.

You can plead ‘til the worms are slithering through your rotting corpse. I’m not going anywhere, babe. Not without a cage match to the death, you miserable man-slut.

I really do hate to rain on your parade, especially under the circumstances. You poor thing, you. What with all of the pressure, and the media exposing your lies... And now people are saying that bitch’s baby is yours too. I just can’t imagine what THAT must be like. BOO HOO.

You've really blown it, Johnny. I’ll never let your sorry ass off the hook. You’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your pitiful and pathetic life. Now I’m even more determined to keep my cancer in remission. If it comes back I'll fight it with a vengeance, only so I can give back all you have coming. Thank you for that.

Oh, and I WILL make your life a living hell. I'll be right by your side, haunting you at every turn. You phony, rotten, arrogant, deceitful, egotistical, slithering, back-stabbing, weaseling, lying, whore-licking, AIDS-sucking, cheating bastard!!!

Forever yours,

Elizabeth