Eddie Murphy & Madonna, some new thoughts

I recall blogging about Eddie Murphy last year, after he was interviewed by Al Roker and said he plans a return to stand-up comedy. That tickled me. I was a fan in the 80’s so of course I’m rooting for the Murphster to bounce back. He’s not a washed-up has-been!





To be fair he said he had movie commitments to attend to first. That was his global warning we should brace ourselves. Luckily my kids didn’t want to meet Dave. They’ve already met Dr. Do Little and in their defense, they were under the influence of helium and sugar-8-balls and it was like… 10 years ago. Hell, some of them weren’t even born yet.

Take heed if you have little girls. In the near future you may be dragged cursing to a theater near you. The three of us (in theory I’m little too) have seen his latest trailer, and the only career that could benefit from this is that of his young female co-star. My girls want to see it so I’m already mentally preparing… to pass this one off on their father.

I want to believe he’ll make a triumphant comeback via live stage and a tour. I’m just concerned the utter embarrassment of promoting Meet Dave made him sputter absurdities. Like I’ve said before, I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him perform stand-up. And I’d still like to hit her so hard I’d send her back to Sean Penn. But seriously, that isn’t even remotely possible.

Since their brief, crazy stint together in the 80’s (after the drugs she slipped into his drinks wore off) she’s been screwed by enough guys to populate an entire country. That country could be called… Madashell.

When I was a teenager there were a lot of sluts and dirty-dogs in my neighborhood who thought AIDS was a charitable organization. Due to it still being a threat 20 years later I can only assume this ignorance lives on in the minds of some trashy white people. Sean Penn was never one of them.

So… what’s/who’s the next A-Rod? After Madonna has regurgitated every jock in every nation with a team she’ll be forced to relocate to a smaller, dumber country than the one she’s already stolen 1 child away from (they’re on to her now). She’ll steal a castle or have one built, and every night a new baby will be brought in for dinner… An unsuspecting and well-hung bloke for dessert. She’ll find a way to live forever. In 2100 she’ll have already exhausted every species in the animal kingdom and will move on to rare auto parts.

Since Eddie Murphy was probably mad-bangin’ her post-Penn, I blame Madonna for his musical contributions. Wait, did I say ‘musical’? I meant WTF, and why did the radio stations play his crappy songs? She liked to party all the time. See, it just makes sense. Well, not really. Nothing in pop culture makes sense - the 80’s weren’t much different. And because nearly every girl aged 7-17 dressed up like, emulated and worshipped her… And boys from 7 to 71 wanted to do her… Well let’s just say Oprah still dreams one day she’ll have that kind of power.

Miley Cyrus has said Madonna is her idol/role model. I think that’s as good a reason as any for the masses to boycott Hannah Montana. But why stop there when you can get a bulldozer and crush every CD bearing the name Cyrus? Remember The Dixie Chicks backlash? Think of it as a chance to right the wrongs of the past, America.

The End…

Or is it? Will Eddie Murphy return to comedy? Will Madonna die from AIDS?

Eddie Murphy, I hope you're not toying with us

It takes a special kind of person to get up on stage, and while warming up the crowd say, “Hey baby, what’s shaking tonight?” to a complete stranger in the front row. But if the comic is good someone’s face will turn red. And they might even laugh hysterically for no reason. Well, no reason other than they were singled out and are so excited to be able to share that moment (and also very nervous and not PMSing).

Somehow I can imagine Eddie Murphy doing just that. No, not giggling in the crowd. There’s no punch line here.

He says he’ll return to stand-up comedy in a few years. After he’s finished with his current Hollywood commitments, he’s planning to retire from movies altogether and do what he obviously loves and misses. If you have googled the man within the last 24 hours, or watch the Today Show then you already know this. But I’m betting there are people out there who have better things to do in the morning than suffer through an Al Roker interview. Things like flossing, or sleeping off a hangover and waking at noon to tell themselves, “It’s always okay to black out among friends.”

All I can really say about this news is, I hope the man is serious. He better not be spouting this off in a desperate attempt to save face after the embarrassment of starring in more lame films than… than… well, you get the picture. If you have no idea what he’s been doing since Beverly Hills Cop you might want to consider getting out of whatever cult you are in right now, or leaving the convent, or running away from the Amish community. Hmm, I bet they’re having the last laugh, with their horses and buggies.

So, if he indeed is telling the truth and not just spitting out sentences in an effort to regain some dignity, can you imagine what a serious case of comedic back-up this man must have? It’s been like, gosh, at least half a century or something since he last did a routine. He’s probably got material dating back to the Ice Age, or whenever Madonna first became famous. So, the more I think about it the more the anticipation begins to build. I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him doing stand up again. I’d hit her so hard, I’d send her back to Sean Penn.

Raw was the first show I ever saw. When you’re a kid and Eddie Murphy is the first comedian you ever see perform, well, even though it was on video it’s still pretty tough to forget that moment in my life. And if my mom knew I had seen it at the time, she probably would’ve locked me up with the nuns for at least a year, or would've made me swallow rosary beads. Just rubbing them and “hailing Mary” wouldn’t have been enough. And I ate soap so many times, I figure, she’d have to come up with something unique under the circumstances. I’m just glad she never found out.

So, you go boy. Bring it back, and please be relevant after all these years. If worse comes to worse, you can always, just… use a lot of curse words.