Two tips for golfers on defeating Tiger Woods

I usually have no trouble falling asleep. I just pop some DMB into the stereo, climax and then Dave’s soft and soulful voice does the rest. He should really put out a lullaby album. Just think of a stampede of mothers flooding Babies R Us for that CD. And I promise to never throw ‘climax’ and ‘babies’ into the same paragraph ever again, unless I’m telling you what’s wrong with buying sperm.

I wrote something over two weeks ago about the octuplet mom. It’s obnoxiously long so if I’m feeling bitchy soon I’ll post it.

Usually I fall sleep easy, but one of my sons got an amp for his birthday a few weeks back and chose to stay up until midnight playing his guitar. I’m not complaining. I enjoy it since his goal isn’t to wake the neighbors or make the dogs bark. It sounds good and makes me forget my trivial troubles. He has long since stopped playing and fallen asleep, and yet for some reason I can’t wind down. I’ll be fine since moms can run on only a few hours sleep. It all started 17 years ago with cries in the night, and that was me trying to mix formula properly with one eye open… anyway…

When I can’t sleep I read, and I noticed a story on my homepage about Tiger Woods returning to golf after an 8-month hiatus because apparently no one gives a shit about golf unless he is playing. And you know money makes the world go round (sorry kids it’s true). So let me get this straight…

The entire sport of golf as we know it is doomed unless Tiger Woods is involved? Who would’ve thunk? Surely not me, who can’t really name any other golfer off the top of my head other than Leslie Spalding, who will always be famous around these parts. So I came up with two half-assed tips for the others, the unknowns who really love the sport (is it a sport?) and can’t for the life of them get noticed thanks to the living legend who really doesn’t need the money yet keeps reappearing like he is Michael Jordan or something. Sorry Tiger but unless you appear in a movie with Bugs Bunny, have a song written for that movie by a child molester or have women guessing what kind of undies you wear, you are a nobody.

Yeah, who am I kidding? But I might as well finish this anyway.

Tip 1) Watch the movie Happy Gilmore. It is a complete how-to on rattling the star of the golf course. You know the only reason Adam Sandler’s character didn’t give up after being hit by a car was it would’ve entirely killed the ending. And not even Tiger Woods could pull off that dramatic win. You wouldn’t be able to steal his house, but if you bribed a heckler or a mental hospital escapee I’m talking real results. And how can Tiger Woods thinking about midgets save him?

Tip 2) Don’t read my blog. This is a stupid waste of web space. I could be sharing recipes or poetry, and here I am telling people to watch Happy Gilmore. I should be attacked by a mob of angry midgets or the entire cast of Wizard Of Oz right now…

Should we even care about golf? Or should we just zone out in front of the TV watching old movies?

How to deal with A-Holes and have a Happy Thanksgiving

Whether your own family likes to give you hell or you’re bravely facing the in-laws, YOU are what really matters on this special day of stuffing face. And in a perfect world, we ALL have an absolutely wonderful holiday with everyone we love and nothing goes wrong and we all shit rainbows. Well, get over it! Last time I checked, my shit wasn’t multi-colored (it’s been a while). So if your heart fills with dread this time of year and you’re forced to deal with assholes, you have options. Depending on your personality there are a few ways you can go about this without technically killing anyone.

Option 1: Be the happy-go-lucky one.



This means you put your happy face on, no matter what kind of mine field you’re walking into. Use humor, silliness or stupidity to your advantage. No matter how awful your jokes are, as long as you’re smiling at least one person is guaranteed to not want to kill you. Befriend them! Unless they’re super self-absorbed or a total basket case they’ll defend you when the piranhas attack, even if your partner pretends you don’t exist. And you will be completely invisible to your partner at a family gathering at least once during your relationship, so it’s important to have some comrades around. You know, for when you offend those people without a sense of humor, or those who think they’re better than everyone else… Or the elderly. And you won’t walk out of there without offending someone, you goofy clown.

Option 2: Play deaf and dumb.



Maybe you can’t smile because the sun didn’t come out, someone is dragging you out by your heels, or you like to torture happy people. If you’re not feeling good vibes that’s perfectly OK. When the assholes come ‘round, play dumb. Block out anything that doesn’t bring you comfort or joy. And most importantly, keep your mouth shut! If you can’t resist interaction, do like the chimps do and make obvious gestures. When you are asked a question, shrug. When you’ve had enough and are on the verge of walking out, throw your hand up as if to say, Step off, bitch! There’s also a finger that works for that. On second thought, just stick to the deaf and dumb routine. And it works in any situation where you don’t want confrontation, you spineless mute.

Option 3: Be the biggest asshole.



Why take shit from any turkey? You’ve been a pushover far too long now. You’re sick of the headaches brought on every year by certain ass hats you wish you didn’t have to see, hear, touch or smell. And worst of all, you’ve been holding back. Well it’s time, my friend. It is finally your time. Use this gathering as an opportunity to tell everyone exactly how you feel about them. Hold back no more! Summon your inner-beast. Give them what they’re asking for. But take heed - to be successful you must be strong and loving toward yourself. In a pinch, a strong and loving companion will do. When the dust settles, you’ll be feared. You’ll be hated. Someone will want to kill you. But you are made of steel. Now, proudly and boldly go where the few who aren’t premenstrual dare. You can do this, you coldhearted asshole.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Happy Thanksgiving!

How to sexually harass a co-worker

Are you ready to learn how to successfully navigate around those pesky laws banning sexual harassment in the workplace? In order to effectively break these laws meant to protect women and women only, certain criteria must be met. If you fall into any of the following categories, congratulations! You are on your way.

First and foremost, you must be:

An attractive woman, OR

A man who resembles an attractive woman, OR

Self-employed


If you don’t meet any of these basic criteria, there is simply no hope for you. Unless you resort to violence, of course. So stay tuned for the next how-to, entitled ‘How to pick up a lesbian’, as we do not wish to discriminate here.


Tips for the women and those who come very, very close...

1. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just stroll up to a guy at work and make a move on his unit. Even if he likes it (and studies have shown he will) you run the risk of getting written up or treated like a two-bit hooker. For the sake of simplicity let’s pretend this is a straight man you’re dealing with here. He could tell his wife or girlfriend (you may or may not know exists), which could be much worse. Especially if you are a man in female attire, which makes defending yourself against a mad bitch that much more complicated. And your gender doesn’t matter if she resembles a sumo wrestler. Odds are you’ll be her next meal. Even if not one of these disastrous scenarios occur, he WILL tell at least one guy at work. It won’t be long before word spreads like a meth whore in a truck stop parking lot. The bottom line: If you don’t like your job and plan on leaving anyway, then by all means, roll the dice and make a beeline straight for his junk. But if you’re gonna do it, do it right and get it on video.

2. The safest target is one who has no idea he is a target. Find a good-looking gent with tattoos. The more tats the better, as this will give you more opportunities to play. On each occasion, point out one specific piece of artwork on his beautriful body and touch away. He will not only welcome your advances but gladly tell you all about the particular tattoo - where and when he got it, what gang it might represent, etc. You can either pretend to listen in awe or keep touching it (him) until he is finished with the boring details. Then gracefully walk away, and in your mind shout, Score!

3. Additional hint: Anything in-between these two extremes is safe because you are an attractive woman (or resemble one). Have fun sexually harassing!


Tips for the self-employed...

1. The safest target is most likely the only target in sight - yourself. If you are a man and indeed resemble one, this is the only way you can be absolutely successful in the world of sexual harassment. In addition, the only time you can pull this off is while working alone. But all genders have to realize what a wonderful position they are in here. You are your own boss, so YOU set your own schedule. As long as you strike in the privacy of your own office there is virtually no risk here. And you can go much, much further than the average workplace harasser. Get yourself a full-length mirror if you don’t already have one. Set the mood by lighting a candle or wearing a leopard-print thong. If you are a woman, slap on some pasties. Men and women, you’ll thank yourself later for going all out. So… now that you’re armed with this knowledge you can get creative, and use your imagination for a most pleasing harassment experience.

2. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just sexually harass yourself in public. For example, you might remember what happened to “Pee Wee” Herman when he worked his hose in a movie theater. After making his contribution to an already sticky floor, he got arrested! Most of society still looks down on touching yourself in a public place, even if that place is dark and already swirling with germs. And if this can happen in a movie theater, Buddha only knows how you could get away with it at a bus stop or in a city park. And I don’t have to tell you how bad it would be if you DID get arrested. In these tough economic times, who could afford the related fines? It’s hard enough being self-employed as it is, so for the love of Anna Nicole Smith, don’t do it unless you’re suicidal. The bottom line: Public masturbation is much better than jumping off a bridge. If you’re thinking about overdosing on painkillers or slitting those wrists, then by all means, replace those thoughts with self-lust and pretend no one will see you working that hand (or dildo) in the poster section at Spencer’s.

3. Additional hint: Buddha isn’t watching. Have fun sexually harassing!


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