Two tips for golfers on defeating Tiger Woods

I usually have no trouble falling asleep. I just pop some DMB into the stereo, climax and then Dave’s soft and soulful voice does the rest. He should really put out a lullaby album. Just think of a stampede of mothers flooding Babies R Us for that CD. And I promise to never throw ‘climax’ and ‘babies’ into the same paragraph ever again, unless I’m telling you what’s wrong with buying sperm.

I wrote something over two weeks ago about the octuplet mom. It’s obnoxiously long so if I’m feeling bitchy soon I’ll post it.

Usually I fall sleep easy, but one of my sons got an amp for his birthday a few weeks back and chose to stay up until midnight playing his guitar. I’m not complaining. I enjoy it since his goal isn’t to wake the neighbors or make the dogs bark. It sounds good and makes me forget my trivial troubles. He has long since stopped playing and fallen asleep, and yet for some reason I can’t wind down. I’ll be fine since moms can run on only a few hours sleep. It all started 17 years ago with cries in the night, and that was me trying to mix formula properly with one eye open… anyway…

When I can’t sleep I read, and I noticed a story on my homepage about Tiger Woods returning to golf after an 8-month hiatus because apparently no one gives a shit about golf unless he is playing. And you know money makes the world go round (sorry kids it’s true). So let me get this straight…

The entire sport of golf as we know it is doomed unless Tiger Woods is involved? Who would’ve thunk? Surely not me, who can’t really name any other golfer off the top of my head other than Leslie Spalding, who will always be famous around these parts. So I came up with two half-assed tips for the others, the unknowns who really love the sport (is it a sport?) and can’t for the life of them get noticed thanks to the living legend who really doesn’t need the money yet keeps reappearing like he is Michael Jordan or something. Sorry Tiger but unless you appear in a movie with Bugs Bunny, have a song written for that movie by a child molester or have women guessing what kind of undies you wear, you are a nobody.

Yeah, who am I kidding? But I might as well finish this anyway.

Tip 1) Watch the movie Happy Gilmore. It is a complete how-to on rattling the star of the golf course. You know the only reason Adam Sandler’s character didn’t give up after being hit by a car was it would’ve entirely killed the ending. And not even Tiger Woods could pull off that dramatic win. You wouldn’t be able to steal his house, but if you bribed a heckler or a mental hospital escapee I’m talking real results. And how can Tiger Woods thinking about midgets save him?

Tip 2) Don’t read my blog. This is a stupid waste of web space. I could be sharing recipes or poetry, and here I am telling people to watch Happy Gilmore. I should be attacked by a mob of angry midgets or the entire cast of Wizard Of Oz right now…

Should we even care about golf? Or should we just zone out in front of the TV watching old movies?