Disney is a curse

I’m serious people! If you came here looking for Miley Cyrus you came to the wrong place. Get out! Now! What is wrong with you? For one, she’s underage (perverts); she can’t act, sing or dance; and her dad is Billy Ray. Need I say more? Ok then. Disney is giving her two minutes of fame, and giving her father his two more minutes. Oh, and one more thing. Hannah Montana is no Joe Montana. Got that? Do you comprehend? So for the love of gahd, stop googling “Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair”!!! Okay? I just had to get that off my flat chest.

I have this theory that Disney is a curse to talented actors and actresses who seem to have a bright and promising career in the business (Miley excluded as there isn’t any talent there). Of course, just like every theory (e.g. golfing causes death by lightning strike) there are going to be some exceptions to the rule, or it just may sound completely ridiculous. After all, Tiger Woods is still alive (barely). And the careers of Tom Hanks and Robin Williams were not destroyed by their work with Disney. I can’t think of any other exceptions right now who really stand out so I’m running with this.


1) Hilary Duff



She became famous among children on the Disney channel show “Lizzie McGuire”, which my sons watched when they were young. I think she was their first TV crush, and they’d still probably lay down and die for her if it meant they could meet her in person first, but that is just a side note and an obvious exaggeration. She has always been a talented actress. After quite a few good movie roles she negotiated a recording contract with Disney and lost so much weight she soon adopted the look of an anorexic or heroin junkie. Not to mention (when she’s in makeup) she resembles that singer Duffy so much it makes me dislike her as a performer even more.



Hmm, it could just be the name. Anyway, Duffy has one hit song that I’ve actually heard and the woman’s voice is really high. Not in a good way. It sounds like she’s on helium or trying to appeal to dogs. So I investigated the name Duffy. And this is what I found… Duffy was a dog. Duffy was Woody Woodpecker’s little adorable beast that liked to bite the dog catcher in the ass. What a coincidence.


Screen shot from “Hot Diggity Dog” (lantz.goldenagecartoons.com)

To Hilary’s credit she broke away from Disney, but I’ll always remember her as the Disney Kid. And sadly, as long as Duffy is hitting the charts I’ll always think of Hilary in a negative light. I’m not saying there’s no hope. But it may take many years or a Grammy or Oscar to convince me that Disney wasn’t a curse for Miss Duff. And you just can’t argue that she should have a bag over her head if she wants to go out in public without any makeup. Next to her, my nerdy close up shots (makeup-less) are pretty damn easy on the eyes.


2) Rick Moranis



If you’re in your twenties (or younger) you might only know him from the Disney films, “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” and so on and so forth. But he was in some funny movies in the 80’s (my favorites were Club Paradise and Spaceballs) and he had a great career as a comic actor, which all started in Canada with SCTV. Then, Disney happened. Damn it all! Curse you, Disney!


3) Lindsey Lohan



Maybe bad parenting is to blame here, but I like to think Disney played a role in that train wreck.


4) Britney Spears



That is just sad. Oh alright; I’ll blame that whole catastrophe on Britney's mother. But I still kind of think the Tigger suit is damning evidence against Disney.