I'm just a sucker

I’m usually pretty good at running a tight ship around here. That’s what I tell myself. I’m thinking if I hear it enough times, eventually it will come true.

Rewind to April. One of my brother-in-laws wanted me to take a dog off of his household’s hands. I agreed without knowing anything about Monty (the dog). I visited the family in June and learned my sister had a change of heart and they were keeping him. That was good since the vehicle I had to borrow for the 1,000 mile trip didn’t have room to accommodate him. So I got out of the “adopting Monty” situation unscathed. I didn’t come home with an unruly dog even though I really wanted to (my optimistic outlook has got me into trouble many times over). After I’d originally agreed, I began to hear negative things about the dog from people who were “in the know” so I’m thinking I would’ve regretted it in the end.

Well, now I have an entirely new slightly relative situation on my hands.

The friend who loaned me her SUV (I’ll call her Marci) has a daughter the same age as my youngest and they play together. That’s great, and I truly mean that. In fact, they took my daughter camping recently and she had a blast. Well, a few months ago Marci told me her Golden Retriever was pregnant. I was happy for her as she was pretty excited about it. The male dog I think is a Blue Australian Shepherd and has blue eyes. Both dogs are gorgeous. So the pups were bound to be good looking. Well, my daughter has spent a lot of time at their place in the past month since it’s summer and Marci’s daughter doesn’t have any siblings close to her own age. So the two girls have been just like sisters. And throughout all of this my daughter has been watching a very pregnant dog, and having this crazy recurring dream about bringing home a puppy.

Well, I also had childhood dreams…




Tekno the Robotic Puppy doesn’t chew up shoes or pee on them. And if he dies unexpectedly you know a tear-filled backyard burial won’t be in order. This kind of awesomeness wasn’t even in the price range of “maybe” when I was a kid, so what am I waiting for??

And another thing… my childhood dreams always got squashed. What’s with kids nowadays? How do they manipulate some of us into thinking their dreams are more important than ours were?

Anywho, the drama over the puppies “coming soon” had been building for quite some time. Then one morning not too long ago, we got the call. Goldie was in labor. Oh my god, my daughter was so excited. Her friend was so excited. Marci was so excited. I was feeling like I was pretty happy with the dog we already have. She is a Red Heeler/German Shepherd mix and a great family pet. But of course I was happy for everyone and their “feelings” so I joined in on the excitement.

That evening I got another call. Goldie was in labor too long and needed a C-section. Marci’s daughter spent the night at our house and Marci took the dog to the Vet. The next day I called and found out Goldie and her lover were much more than fertile. She had been carrying a whopping 13 pups; they all made it and were healthy. Thirteen puppies! Holy crap! She was baffled. How did that happen? No one knows for sure, but since half of them are black I don’t think one can rule out the possibility that Goldie was sneaking around, and maybe had a little jungle love on the side. I don’t think a dog can be called a whore for sleeping around, but, what an animal.

Somehow I was talked into seeing the puppies. More like “ganged up on” in a way. I don’t like it when a group of females get together. I wouldn’t recommend it. I was basically mobbed - emotionally - which is the worst kind of attack. Totally unfair. Then my one son who really loves dogs found out about the puppies. That was the straw that kicked the camel in the crotch (and he’s going down in our family history for that one, like it or not). He pulled me over to Marci’s and begged me. He picked out his favorite. I kind of melted when I met the little thing. His eyes weren’t open yet and he just laid in Marci’s hand like a… well, almost like a very realistic robotic toy.

So I guess you know what happens next. I still have a little time before the pup is off his mom’s teats, nips, or whatever you call them. But he doesn’t have a name yet. I’m open to suggestions. “Trucker” rhymes with sucker, so I might just go with that…

Yes, I am kidding (about the name Trucker).

We're lucky they left the house intact

I was really baffled about a week ago when some brake pads came tumbling down our roof. After posting about it I came to the conclusion it was the roofers. It just had to be one of them. No one else has ever had that kind of access to the peak in our roof. I know it still doesn’t make much sense but who else could be to blame? There is just no way they could’ve dropped from a plane. No one heard any THUD and the box was found in close proximity to the discs. And when heavy boxes of metal objects fall from the sky I’m guessing they cause some kind of damage. We haven‘t found any pieces of the house lying around. By George, or, Great Scott, I’m starting to feel like Sherlock Holmes (minus the penis). Oh, and minus the cocaine too. The History Channel is a good source of info when it comes to famous dead people. But I already kind of knew he wasn’t a girl.

So, after determining who was to blame, I have to admit I got a little upset thinking about what could’ve happened. What if the kids had been playing outside at the time? I can tell you, they may be small auto parts but they are heavy little bastards. And that peak in our roof is at least one story high. I’d assume it would leave a pretty good lump on an adult’s head, so who knows what kind of damage it could do to a child’s noggin. My kids are very active and somewhat daring but I haven’t yet had to take them to the E.R. This wouldn’t have been the best first time visit either.

Doctor: So you say some auto parts fell off your roof and this is why your daughter now needs stitches?

Me: I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it? I mean, I have no idea who, when, why or how those things got up there…

Doctor: Um, yeah… No worries, but expect a visit from the Child Welfare Dept. soon. It’s strictly routine. I don’t disbelieve your story but I’ve never heard anything quite like this before. So you’ll have to understand there could be legal ramifications if I turn a blind eye…

Me: I understand. I’m just sorry when I was in a hurry to get urgent medical care for my daughter, I didn’t think to pick up the soggy box and brake pads and bring them here with us. Silly me! I can’t wait to miss a day of work so I can visit with that person who knows nothing about my family but has the power to turn us into complete strangers. Do you think they’ll believe it? I mean, I can barely believe it happened myself…

Doctor: Are you on any prescribed medications, ma’am?

Me: Not yet. You got anything good?


Not to mention my bloody child would be writhing in pain. So lucky for us, this was not the scenario.

I was beginning to forget about this whole fiasco, but then I see one of the leading stories on the internet. It just happens to be about these menacing workers called roofers. It has been determined they are to blame for the Universal Studios fire in Hollywood. I have to tell you, I’m really not at all surprised. In fact, I’m now convinced that roofers are the devil’s workers sent up here from hell to wreak havoc.

Devil: I am really bored. How can I cause more mayhem for those idiots up there on Earth? They think they’re so rad. I know, I’ll use a group of people who society doesn’t really like or respect… hmm… Prostitutes? Already did that one. Politicians? Oh yeah, that was my best work! Shit, I think I’ve already depleted my most valuable resources. Oh wait… I got a new one… Roofers! And no one will ever suspect I’m behind it. *Evil laugh*

Just jokes. But I’m glad all we got were falling discs out of the deal. And as afraid as I am of heights, on the next clear day I’m going to force myself to go up on that roof, just to make sure there aren‘t any other forgotten items that could slide down and maim someone. If I live, and find anything unusual, I’ll be sure to let you know about it.

It's raining brake pads!

Or, the alternate title: What the hell? WTF?

Sunday morning the kids were upstairs and they heard a strange sound that kind of startled them, like a bunch of Lincoln Logs sliding down the roof. My oldest son went out to investigate on the side of the house where they heard the noise, and lo and behold, he found a small box and oddly shaped discs lying on the lawn. That’s right, there were brake pads on the wet grass near a sopping wet, flat, torn box that read “… Disc Brake Pads”.

I have no idea what this was doing on our roof. But I guess all of the rain with no sun to dry out the box caused it to finally slide down and make an appearance.

Who put it there? When did they put it there? How long has it effing been there?! But most importantly, why would anyone put a box of brake pads on the roof?!? It doesn’t make any kind of sense. I am still baffled, and I don’t like being baffled.

We get our brake pads changed at a local shop when we need that done. My kids and I know nothing about installing these things. I can barely change a tire ‘cause the jack and I just don‘t get along. All I’m good at is checking fluid and keeping levels up to par. Anything more than that when it comes to automobiles would be like trying to perform brain surgery. And no one wants me poking around in anyone’s brain.

When my ex stopped by I showed him the evidence and watched his reaction very closely. After all, he did live in this house at one time. But no, he was just as surprised as we were. He said they weren’t new, but that’s all he could tell me. I’m so sorry he couldn’t get any use out of them.

Well, hell. That leaves the roofers under suspicion. A few years ago they were up there daily for about a week, maybe longer. They were the “budget” roofers. They dropped cigarette butts on our lawn. One guy even looked like a pirate. He had tattoos everywhere, wore a bandana on his head and had a nipple ring. All he was missing was an eye patch, a sword and… brake pads?

I give up trying to solve this mystery. I’m afraid of heights or I’d see if there’s anything more on the roof I should know about.

What else could possibly be up there? Hoses? Belts? The rest of the car in pieces stuffed down my chimney?