Twisted News: Miley Cyrus & Vanity Fair

*Disclaimer: If you want 100% factual and unbiased news go elsewhere. This is for people who like sarcasm, satire and tomfoolery.


If you know anything about me, you know my feelings about Hannah Montana. So by now you’ve probably heard the news, and perhaps have seen the Vanity Fair pictures of Miley Cyrus floating around on the internet. Deviant perverts everywhere got so excited when they saw Miley’s baby face, bedhead and bare back that some of them immediately signed up to become priests. The others simply printed out and masturbated to her photo while singing her own Disney songs, “Nobody’s Perfect” and "Cuffs Will Keep Us Together".

Miley Ray is trying to change her image from a spunky little pop star adored and idolized by masses of sugar-crazed children to a sexylicious diva longing for an invitation to the Play Boy mansion. It seems Billy Ray is getting tired of the trailer park style orgies with Lindsey and Britney. There’s something about the man that says, I‘m willing to throw my daughter to the lions for a chance at some high class vajay-jay.


It sure is getting difficult to separate father from daughter lately. It seems that wherever Miley goes, her daddy is right there behind her.


Forget whatever Miley has said about this because the truth comes directly from Disney, who says she was “manipulated” into doing the photo shoot. I guess they would know. Right?


I honestly don’t remember this much of an uproar over Vanity Fair since this issue of the magazine hit the stands back in 1991...






And she married Ashton Kutcher.



What's next for the Rays? You tell me.

And if you want to see the pics I'm talking about, google them. I'll be quite happy if I never see them again.

Educational TV is scary stuff

When I was channel-flipping last weekend I tuned into part of a show on the History Channel called Last Days On Earth. It was about various ways we humans could be entirely killed off, smoted, whatever you want to call it. I usually avoid these types of gloom and doom shows. Who wants to hear about disaster scenarios that are beyond our control?

For example, if the super volcano in Yellowstone Park decides to erupt and my gas tank is full and we are informed within the hour then we just might get out of here before our lungs fill with ash, but I really don‘t like to ponder these things. I think that spooky show was on the Discovery channel two years ago, but it takes time for me to heal from that kind of trauma. The only pleasure I get from it is knowing if it happens I’ll have a free pass to drive 80 mph in a 25 mph zone. I’ve always wanted to drag race down Main Street but you know, there’s the po and tickets, and pedestrians. The great thing about it is the sheriff and his deputies would be long gone by then, so if I hit someone I really wouldn‘t have to stop. I could even rob a church on my way out of town. It wouldn’t really be robbing, it would be helping them do their job. I just know churches are all about giving, caring and sharing. And while I’m there I could say a quick prayer and be forgiven for hitting the pedestrian. It’s all good.

But what if we didn’t make it out alive? You see? Horror movies with chainsaws are much more pleasant than half of the mind-numbing craziness they pump out on these channels.

I tuned into Last Days On Earth during number four in the countdown. It was about the earth getting hit by a giant rock falling from outer space, and it didn‘t look very friendly. They say there is no way the human race could survive if a giant 6-mile wide asteroid hit earth, and it’s possible one like that wiped out the dinosaurs. The asteroid itself would be so hot that by the time it reached our atmosphere, anyone who is able to see the thing would be instantly burned, extra crispy. Well, ‘vaporized’ was the word they used, but I‘m not trying to scare anyone. And upon impact it would start a magnificent firestorm that would burn up the entire planet (well, that’s what they showed in the animation).

I take comfort in knowing NASA is hard at work at this very moment, looking for all 900 dangerous asteroids that would sting and possibly wipe us out, because they’re NASA. Don’t worry, they plan on finding all of them by the end of 2008. And even if they don’t, at least we know there aren’t any asteroids on a path toward us right now, so there’s really nothing to worry about.

But what if there were something to worry about? Before I switched channels they posed a question to some people they had brought into the studio. They may have been wannabe celebrities, but I think they found them in a Starbuck’s. They asked them what they’d do if they knew one of these humanity-killing asteroids was headed toward earth. One woman responded by saying, “I know this is going to sound selfish but I haven’t had any children yet, so I’d like to have a kid.”

???

The answers that followed hers -- I don’t even remember - when I heard that one it knocked my socks off. I mean, come on, I know some stupid people but even they would have more sense than that.

Then a serious looking gentleman said, “I’d have a kid.”

What? Two of them? I think this level of stupid needs to be smacked down with the world’s largest clue pan.



Okay, I think I can see their point of view now. Children are just accessories.
Childbirth isn’t quite as painful anymore thanks to epidurals and surrogate mothers. Having a kid isn’t a big responsibility thanks to grandmothers and day care centers… and nannies. So if a giant rock is coming to destroy earth they can breath easier knowing that chances are, they won’t have to deal with the nuisance of a screaming child when it happens.
Forget what I said about Starbuck‘s. These people must have been wannabe celebrities.

The dumbest thing I've heard to date

I love it whenever I hear a theory from some one who has no idea what they are talking about, and yet they believe in their own uneducated opinion 100%. I’m sure you know at least one person who thinks they have all of the answers but they say the dumbest things.

They are a walking encyclopedia of stupid, but they take themselves seriously.

Recently during a conversation with some one they told me that “smoking pot makes people cold hearted”…
…

What?

It’s been years since I’ve smoked a bowl so the first thing I wondered was, what brought this up? It just came up out of the blue, really, so it had me wondering if this person maybe thinks I’m into the stuff. Then I thought, nah, maybe this person just thinks I’m cold hearted. That would make more sense. So I kept quiet and listened for awhile as I was informed (by some one who knows everything) how people who smoke weed are uncaring, unfeeling, and downright cold hearted because that’s what marijuana does.

???

Forget everything you’ve learned about herbage from Half-Baked, Cheech & Chong, or even your own personal use. What are giggle fits? What are the munchies? This is big news right here - cutting edge information. I’m not just sharing this for my own satisfaction! You have the right to know these things.

“Smoking weed will steal your heart away. Hey hey hey.”

If Simon & Garfunkel can’t be trusted, who can?

You poor potheads, just look what you’ve done to yourselves. You’ve turned your souls into evil, heartless wastes of space.

Some one please save her from the evil!

Some one please save the city!

Some one please make them care!

If you like to toke and have young ones, avoid Nick Jr.’s Yo Gabba show at all costs. Be warned, it will make your doped up heads explode. Literally.

My kid has Rob & Big beat

I normally don’t like shows on MTV unless they have the word Giant in the title, or something closely related. So in keeping with that theme (or sickness, whatever you want to call it) I watched Rob & Big for the first time this week. I was amused. They had a rat problem in a very new-looking (probably million dollar) home. How does that happen? Anyway, the very last person they called was the guy they should’ve called first - the exterminator. But they aren’t really that stupid, are they? I wouldn’t be surprised if they only called in the psychic and the guy from the hippy commune who had a little too much LSD in his day for the comedic value. It was pretty funny watching and listening to those “experts” as they worked really hard to earn that cash, er, find and chase out evil spirits. At least I thought so. I’m sorry if you haven’t seen it but I’m not going to get into all of that because…

The episode of Rob & Big reminded me of the time we had a mouse problem that went on for a few years. Our house is 100 yrs old, and is in dire need of some remodeling so it’s not that surprising we had mice finding their way in. We would catch them in traps using peanut butter (the same thing the exterminator on the show did) but whenever we killed one, another would soon replace it. That was before we got our dog. She is a great dog. When we got her in 2006 the mice stopped coming in. We’re rodent-free now and it’s a wonderful feeling.

Anyhow, flashing back to when we had the mouse problem, one weekend night my sons were up really late and I had already zonked out. I was sleeping peacefully when suddenly my light turned on in the wee hours and I awoke to Cody telling me he caught a mouse. I couldn’t talk because I didn’t really want to wake up so I was thinking, That’s great, but can I go back to sleep now?

Then he stuck a seemingly empty 1-liter pop bottle in my face and told me to look.

OMG! There was a mouse inside the pop bottle, looking very dead.

I jolted up and said, “Oh my god! It’s a mouse! How did you get it in there? And how did it die?”

Cody said he caught it in his room. That was a first. Before then the little bastards hadn’t been that bold - just wandering into a bedroom like that. He said he had been trying anything he could think of to scare it away. He whipped the bottle under the bed into the direction of the noises. After a few minutes of stomping his feet, he had a look and saw that the little monster had freaked out and took cover inside the pop bottle. Another first. Cody’s gut reaction was to grab the plastic soda bottle. He took the term ‘exterminator’ to a whole new level, whipping the bottle up and down like mad while beating it against the floor. Meanwhile, the mouse was getting his brains all scrambled together so it turned out to be a fool-proof plan. It wasn’t long before it gave up on life.

Now Cody is not a violent child, in fact, none of my kids are. But it’s good to know that when it really matters, at least one of my children is able to go ballistic on a member of the animal kingdom. What’s next for Cody? I see a snake and a shovel in his future. Or maybe a dead goldfish and a toothpick.

You CAN get some peace and quiet

There are only so many ways you can quiet down a child (legally). Here is how I’ve accomplished this over the years.

Candy
One night during the family reunion at least 16 kids were together playing in the living room and game room nearby and it got so loud we adults couldn’t converse (while sitting across from each other at the table) without shouting. So my brother Chris told them to be quiet. That lasted about 3 seconds. I think some of the kids even laughed at him, like, this isn’t even your house so why should we listen? Well, whatever. I stood up and yelled and everyone shut-up. Then I calmly told the kiddies if they could all stay quiet they’d get some suckers that Chris brought over.

Hey, they were on clearance so I understand. Why waste money on good candy? They are just kids.

I gave them a short lecture first, basically telling them I couldn’t talk with my bros and hoes unless they kept it down to a whisper. When I could see we were all on the same page I passed out the suckers and they put them directly into their mouths, so it was quiet for about ten minutes. I think that’s when my sisters and I went to the bar to get some peace and quiet.

When my youngest daughter Katy was a toddler she was a menace. She liked to play with noisy toys and hit her brothers on the back of the head with them when they were sitting in front of the TV. Actually, both of my daughters did that but I figured it was just karma for what my sons put me through. Anyway, I had a bunch of Dum Dums out in the kitchen and my sons forgot to put them away after they grabbed some. We were watching TV, and when I decided to go make some popcorn I found Katy on the kitchen floor, sound asleep with about 15 bare Dum Dum sticks all around her. That’s what I call a sugar coma, and although it happened by accident, as far as I know it’s a legal and effective way to silence an energetic child.

Pop & Energy Drinks
Liquid sugar combined with caffeine can work wonders. It only calms down hyper kids though, so if you give it to the wrong one he/she will probably start the neighborhood on fire with two sticks. Be very careful when you have Monster or Amp in the house with a quiet child around.

Art & Books
Kids are quiet when they’re being artistic. Get out the paper, crayons, markers, paints, etc. Some children love it so much they will become obsessed and you’ll soon run out of space to hang up their masterpieces.

That’s when you get a Magna Doodle. This toy kicks ass all over the Etch A Sketch. It kept my two-yr-old nephew quiet for a good 15 minutes. It also entertained one of my grown sisters, and… my 28-yr-old brother Chris.

Kids are usually quiet when they have a good book to read or just page through.

Work
Putting kids to work is a good way to get them out of your hair, and it also helps tire them out so they’ll go to sleep early and stay in bed until morning. If you have trouble getting your kids to do chores you can always threaten to take them to the creepy house in your neighborhood. You know the one - there’s an old man sitting on the porch in his rocker wearing a bathrobe. If there is no creepy house nearby you could just take away some of their privileges. They don’t really need a cell phone if they are grounded to the house now do they. You’ll save money while you punish them. That’s what I call F-U-N.

Video Games & DVDs
Every kid (or at least every household) should have a game system of some kind. This will tone down the noise level because they won’t be running around the house, and it should give you and your significant other a few minutes to have sex without those annoying knocks at the door. Every kid’s bedroom should have a TV set or monitor and a device that plays DVDs. Sure, just like with the game system it may raise your power bill, but think about your ultimate goal. You want uninterrupted sexual relations and a somewhat peaceful household, dontcha?

Cover the Mouth
When my kids were little and threw screaming tantrums I would just take my hand and cover their mouths. It was as simple as that. It usually worked, unless I got my hand licked. Then I would throw a tantrum and the kid ran away to hide, so I guess it did work after all.

The Corner
If the kids are fighting or you just want some peace and quiet, send them to the corner. Just don’t forget about them. I came home one night to find one of my sons asleep in a corner, and in another one a kid was almost asleep; their father was passed out on the sofa.

Spank their Buttocks
I’m pretty sure spanking is still legal in all states except California, but don’t quote me on that. Once a kid has been spanked you can use it as an effective threat to keep him/her in check. For example, you can say, Be quiet right now or I’ll spank your ass. Also, as long as you don’t spank when you’re angry it is a good way to bond with your child and make him/her fear (er, respect) you at the same time.

I hope this was helpful.