You CAN get some peace and quiet

There are only so many ways you can quiet down a child (legally). Here is how I’ve accomplished this over the years.

Candy
One night during the family reunion at least 16 kids were together playing in the living room and game room nearby and it got so loud we adults couldn’t converse (while sitting across from each other at the table) without shouting. So my brother Chris told them to be quiet. That lasted about 3 seconds. I think some of the kids even laughed at him, like, this isn’t even your house so why should we listen? Well, whatever. I stood up and yelled and everyone shut-up. Then I calmly told the kiddies if they could all stay quiet they’d get some suckers that Chris brought over.

Hey, they were on clearance so I understand. Why waste money on good candy? They are just kids.

I gave them a short lecture first, basically telling them I couldn’t talk with my bros and hoes unless they kept it down to a whisper. When I could see we were all on the same page I passed out the suckers and they put them directly into their mouths, so it was quiet for about ten minutes. I think that’s when my sisters and I went to the bar to get some peace and quiet.

When my youngest daughter Katy was a toddler she was a menace. She liked to play with noisy toys and hit her brothers on the back of the head with them when they were sitting in front of the TV. Actually, both of my daughters did that but I figured it was just karma for what my sons put me through. Anyway, I had a bunch of Dum Dums out in the kitchen and my sons forgot to put them away after they grabbed some. We were watching TV, and when I decided to go make some popcorn I found Katy on the kitchen floor, sound asleep with about 15 bare Dum Dum sticks all around her. That’s what I call a sugar coma, and although it happened by accident, as far as I know it’s a legal and effective way to silence an energetic child.

Pop & Energy Drinks
Liquid sugar combined with caffeine can work wonders. It only calms down hyper kids though, so if you give it to the wrong one he/she will probably start the neighborhood on fire with two sticks. Be very careful when you have Monster or Amp in the house with a quiet child around.

Art & Books
Kids are quiet when they’re being artistic. Get out the paper, crayons, markers, paints, etc. Some children love it so much they will become obsessed and you’ll soon run out of space to hang up their masterpieces.

That’s when you get a Magna Doodle. This toy kicks ass all over the Etch A Sketch. It kept my two-yr-old nephew quiet for a good 15 minutes. It also entertained one of my grown sisters, and… my 28-yr-old brother Chris.

Kids are usually quiet when they have a good book to read or just page through.

Work
Putting kids to work is a good way to get them out of your hair, and it also helps tire them out so they’ll go to sleep early and stay in bed until morning. If you have trouble getting your kids to do chores you can always threaten to take them to the creepy house in your neighborhood. You know the one - there’s an old man sitting on the porch in his rocker wearing a bathrobe. If there is no creepy house nearby you could just take away some of their privileges. They don’t really need a cell phone if they are grounded to the house now do they. You’ll save money while you punish them. That’s what I call F-U-N.

Video Games & DVDs
Every kid (or at least every household) should have a game system of some kind. This will tone down the noise level because they won’t be running around the house, and it should give you and your significant other a few minutes to have sex without those annoying knocks at the door. Every kid’s bedroom should have a TV set or monitor and a device that plays DVDs. Sure, just like with the game system it may raise your power bill, but think about your ultimate goal. You want uninterrupted sexual relations and a somewhat peaceful household, dontcha?

Cover the Mouth
When my kids were little and threw screaming tantrums I would just take my hand and cover their mouths. It was as simple as that. It usually worked, unless I got my hand licked. Then I would throw a tantrum and the kid ran away to hide, so I guess it did work after all.

The Corner
If the kids are fighting or you just want some peace and quiet, send them to the corner. Just don’t forget about them. I came home one night to find one of my sons asleep in a corner, and in another one a kid was almost asleep; their father was passed out on the sofa.

Spank their Buttocks
I’m pretty sure spanking is still legal in all states except California, but don’t quote me on that. Once a kid has been spanked you can use it as an effective threat to keep him/her in check. For example, you can say, Be quiet right now or I’ll spank your ass. Also, as long as you don’t spank when you’re angry it is a good way to bond with your child and make him/her fear (er, respect) you at the same time.

I hope this was helpful.