King Interviews Mrs. McCain

Welcome back, non-Kotters and hopeful Democrats. It’s been a while! When I interviewed Mrs. Obama we ran out of time and I promised to return soon. Well, I got kind of sidetracked. Before I reveal this next interview I should briefly explain my absence.

You may or may not know this, but I have a kid. King Junior is going through a rough patch in his life right now. You see, he thought it would be cool to smoke some weed. And smoke some more weed. And before long that wasn’t enough to get his buzz on, so he stole six of my beers and had a little party with himself. I knew this day was coming, but I thought for sure he’d puke up his guts and learn the hard way to just stick with the porn. Boy, was I wrong or what?! Anyway, he’s out of rehab now. I sure hope he can stay clean, but I have my doubts. After all, he’s five. You know what little monsters those kindergarteners can be! Whew. It’s gonna take some tough love in the form of shock therapy for this one.

But enough about the King’s problems and suches. It’s time to let you in on a little secret. I may seem pretty gay. In fact, I’m often misjudged by my extensive Barbra Streisand collection. Unfair! Barbra deserves to be loved! Truth is, I also have a huge crush on John McCain’s wife. Don’t believe me? I think a restraining order is proof enough. I know she often looks much older than her birth certificate states, but I still get goose bumps whenever I see her. Well, here’s the interview, for what it’s worth. And it's so short we didn't have time for any commercials...




Hiiiiiiiii, Mrs. McCain. Hiiiiiiiiiiii. Um, Mrs. Obama had to leave. She has kids, you know, and has apologized for not staying here to attack both you and your husband to your face. The network is disappointed, but I’m sure you’re relieved to hear it, and don’t really care about ratings either.




Um, hello?

Yeeeeeesssssss, welcome to the… the… showww.




You’re drooling all over your robe.




Ahhhhhhh, I see. Do you like robes?




I don’t see what that has to do with my husband’s candidacy.




Do you like my robe? I can remove it, if you’d like to try it on. Or, you know, if you want to have a peek at some prime beef.




What the- this is not what I expected!!!!




I’m out of here! Vote for McCain - because I’m filthy rich - not because you want to sex me up.




Can we continue this in private? Where are you going? I have a room. It has a star on the door! That means something, dammit! Oh goshes, I’m sorry! Come back! I’d like to make out - er, make it up to you!!!




Oh shit.

So, stay tuned and maybe next week we’ll reveal the final and extremely pointless interview with Mrs. Clinton and a surprise guest, which was recorded shortly after Barack Obama’s huge victory, when he won the nomination of his party and made history for being black. I mean, made history for- you know what I’m trying to say. Geez, why am I still here, anyway? It’s about time to go rescue the nanny from my five-year-old. Laters!

Educational TV is scary stuff

When I was channel-flipping last weekend I tuned into part of a show on the History Channel called Last Days On Earth. It was about various ways we humans could be entirely killed off, smoted, whatever you want to call it. I usually avoid these types of gloom and doom shows. Who wants to hear about disaster scenarios that are beyond our control?

For example, if the super volcano in Yellowstone Park decides to erupt and my gas tank is full and we are informed within the hour then we just might get out of here before our lungs fill with ash, but I really don‘t like to ponder these things. I think that spooky show was on the Discovery channel two years ago, but it takes time for me to heal from that kind of trauma. The only pleasure I get from it is knowing if it happens I’ll have a free pass to drive 80 mph in a 25 mph zone. I’ve always wanted to drag race down Main Street but you know, there’s the po and tickets, and pedestrians. The great thing about it is the sheriff and his deputies would be long gone by then, so if I hit someone I really wouldn‘t have to stop. I could even rob a church on my way out of town. It wouldn’t really be robbing, it would be helping them do their job. I just know churches are all about giving, caring and sharing. And while I’m there I could say a quick prayer and be forgiven for hitting the pedestrian. It’s all good.

But what if we didn’t make it out alive? You see? Horror movies with chainsaws are much more pleasant than half of the mind-numbing craziness they pump out on these channels.

I tuned into Last Days On Earth during number four in the countdown. It was about the earth getting hit by a giant rock falling from outer space, and it didn‘t look very friendly. They say there is no way the human race could survive if a giant 6-mile wide asteroid hit earth, and it’s possible one like that wiped out the dinosaurs. The asteroid itself would be so hot that by the time it reached our atmosphere, anyone who is able to see the thing would be instantly burned, extra crispy. Well, ‘vaporized’ was the word they used, but I‘m not trying to scare anyone. And upon impact it would start a magnificent firestorm that would burn up the entire planet (well, that’s what they showed in the animation).

I take comfort in knowing NASA is hard at work at this very moment, looking for all 900 dangerous asteroids that would sting and possibly wipe us out, because they’re NASA. Don’t worry, they plan on finding all of them by the end of 2008. And even if they don’t, at least we know there aren’t any asteroids on a path toward us right now, so there’s really nothing to worry about.

But what if there were something to worry about? Before I switched channels they posed a question to some people they had brought into the studio. They may have been wannabe celebrities, but I think they found them in a Starbuck’s. They asked them what they’d do if they knew one of these humanity-killing asteroids was headed toward earth. One woman responded by saying, “I know this is going to sound selfish but I haven’t had any children yet, so I’d like to have a kid.”

???

The answers that followed hers -- I don’t even remember - when I heard that one it knocked my socks off. I mean, come on, I know some stupid people but even they would have more sense than that.

Then a serious looking gentleman said, “I’d have a kid.”

What? Two of them? I think this level of stupid needs to be smacked down with the world’s largest clue pan.



Okay, I think I can see their point of view now. Children are just accessories.
Childbirth isn’t quite as painful anymore thanks to epidurals and surrogate mothers. Having a kid isn’t a big responsibility thanks to grandmothers and day care centers… and nannies. So if a giant rock is coming to destroy earth they can breath easier knowing that chances are, they won’t have to deal with the nuisance of a screaming child when it happens.
Forget what I said about Starbuck‘s. These people must have been wannabe celebrities.