Twisted News: Ghost Stalkers

Paranormal Activity Titillates Sexually

PATS is an organization dedicated to stalking ghosts for sexual pleasure. Jimmy Bob Berry, Denny Waxoff and Andy Dumass formed the group after graduating from college together when they finally came to the realization that (for various reasons) they would never have sex with any human being. As time went on they soon attracted other like-minded individuals who were eager to, as Berry put it, “Get a good bone on and relieve ourselves while watching ghosts. It's not voyeurism if they know we're there. ”

Waxoff and Dumass were also available during the interview. Says Dumass, “I’m the original mastermind behind PATS. I’ve always had a deep fascination with the paranormal. It’s been a great experience so far. I’ll admit one misstep was walking in on Denny during a moment of climax, but he forgave me for that.”

Waxoff admitted, “It was hard to be angry at Andy. I mean, he unknowingly walked right into a jizz shower that day. And I never forgot to wear a condom after that.”

Berry claims PATS is very professional and detail-oriented. After taking care of business they clean up and leave no trace of their close encounters behind. And surprisingly, there is no shortage of haunted houses available.

“The phone rings every day,” a smiling Berry revealed. “People are always grateful when we show up with our equipment. They just want to know if it’s really a ghost in their building. They don’t care what we do when we get there. We get paid to do what we love.”

And exactly what kind of special equipment do they use?

“All we need is right here,” said Dumass, pointing toward his nether region. “In our pants,” he continued. “If we investigate a room and a ghost is present, it’s an automatic erection.”

Waxoff adds, “What could be better than this? Extra-terrestrials, that’s what. But we have yet to meet a willing alien.”

Twisted News: A once terrorized community is safe

Monica Titsley of Fakesville, Phonyland was arrested over the weekend and charged with multiple counts of stalking, lewd behavior and disturbing the peace after terrorizing a community for months. She had allegedly stalked numerous unsuspecting victims.

“No one was safe,” said Tom Thumb, a local resident. “When she zeroed in on someone it was all over but the crying.”







Deputy Gilbert Gottfried, after posing with the perp on Saturday for a photo to be included in the Sheriff Times, pummeled Ms. Titsley to the ground and cuffed her. “You can’t escape now, Miss Blow Up Pants,” he railed, “and you’ll have to listen to me squawk like a disturbed and enraged parrot until you’re finger-printed and safely locked away in your cell. How you like them apples? Ack! Did you just try to give me herpes?”

On Sunday a press conference was held and the Sheriff of Phonyland spoke to a concerned crowd of revelers.

“Citizens of Fakesville, you can all live in peace once again. Monica Titsley has been captured and brought to justice. As most of you know, she has eluded authorities for quite some time now. She has used many aliases. She has moved around frequently by deflating herself and traveling with strangers she manipulated. Sadly, she has spread herpes to many.”

“When the first complaints were filed back in January our resources were limited. Then in March, complaints about the suspect began flooding our office. It was soon apparent we needed to put together a task force dedicated to finding her as quickly as possible, to ensure the safety of the public. Thanks to their efforts and a tip from an anonymous source, she was found hiding in a twenty million dollar pimped-out cave with Bin Laden. So, I would like to thank each and every one of them for helping us put an end to this out-of-control blow-up doll’s reign of terror."

"Pizza party at my place, seven p.m. sharp. Bring your own beer and blow-up dolls! Woo!”

At the party, a drunk Deputy Gottfried was spotted leering at a blow-up doll of Princess Jasmine. Aladdin, the cartoon character, found out and wanted to kick his ass. But Genie sang a really gay tune that distracted him. Aladdin became so confused he forgot why he was angry in the first place.