It's so hard to find a good doctor these days

I went to the doctor and said, “At night I’m having trouble falling asleep, and stay awake long after the kids have gone to bed.”

“No problem. I can prescribe you some good sleeping pills,” he said.

“But there’s more,” I continued. “When I finally do fall asleep, I don’t want to wake up.”

The doctor interrupted a second time. “Sounds like depression, and if that’s the case, no worries. Nothing a good prescription won’t fix.”

“Wait, there’s more. When I get home from work and my sweet, darling children talk to me I feel a strong urge to grab a beer and take a long swig every time they say, ‘Mom’ or ‘Can you…’. If I actually followed through, in a couple of hours I’d be drunker than Amy Winehouse at a Sunday brunch.”

I sometimes wonder if it’s just her name. Maybe if she changed it to ‘Amy Straighthouse’ or ‘Amy Soberhouse’ it would help her image? Maybe at least help keep her from always looking totally trashed?


Nah.

He winced. “Sounds like you might have the drinking disease. Any alcoholism in your family?”

“No. None. Having lots of kids is the only thing that runs in my family.”

While he scratched his head, I continued describing my symptoms. “When we’re at the grocery store, I want to throw all of the frozen foods into my cart and totally empty out the freezer case.”

“Hunger?”

“No. ‘Cause then it would be easier to stuff my kids into the freezer case.”

“Oh.”

“Just until they begged for mercy,” I added.

He frowned. “It sounds like you’re having early symptoms of a disease called KCJB - Kidamage Caustrating Jellocious Braindeadeous.”

I let out a puzzled, “Hmm?”

He continued, “In plain English - Kids Causing Jellied Brain. It’s very real, and you should be very afraid. The more kids you have, the worse it will be for you in the end. And you’ve got like - let me see your chart - holy kidlets. Five. You should be crapping your pants. Right now. I wish I could tell you there’s a cure. But what I can tell you is, there’s no cure.”

I let out a stunned, “Huh?”

“Luckily, you do have some time left to enjoy life. Mainly in those precious hours you spend away from your children. But eventually your entire brain is going to turn to jelly. One big blob of jam that will be totally useless. If I had to guess, based on everything you’ve told me, I’d say it could happen in about five years. That’s not so bad. You’ll be 40 then, so your life will basically be over anyway.”

I let out a - nothing. Just dropped my jaw into my lap.

He continued, “I admire your gaping mouth. So I’ve been thinking. You know what? I can’t lie to you and say this disease is entirely incurable. There’s nothing wrong with being proactive, now that you know what fate lies ahead. So I’ll let you know - and this needs to be kept just between you and me - I’ll totally cover you, if you want to pull a Yates.”

“If I pull a what?!”

He continued, “Shh! Not so loud. I’m trying to help you here. Surely you’ve heard of that mother who drowned her five kids?”

“Um yeah, the psycho-mama. I don’t want to drown anyone. No offense.”

He put a finger to his chin and thought for a minute. “Well, seriously? You’re going to shoot that one down without any consideration? ‘Cause although you’d be in a hospital for the rest of your life, it would be a long life without jam for a brain. You’d retain your sanity. No one will know. You plead insanity, I’ll back you. I’ve got a doctor pal working with a certain defense lawyer, and my friend owes me some favors. Think about it.”

“No.”

“Oh well. I got it! How about an accident? Here’s a good one. It’s simple. Take the kids on a hunting trip. ‘Accidentally’ make them your target.”

“HELL no.”

“Um, alright. Too violent. Okay. I got it! Take them on a long drive into the mountains. ‘Accidentally’ lose them in the middle of nowhere. The wolves and bears should take good care of them. Worst case scenario: one makes it out alive. Two tops.”

I stood up to leave. “Thanks Doc, but I think the only real solution is to send the kids to live with their grandparents. After everything I’ve learned about KCJB today, I’m thinking it’s a good idea. It’s become pretty clear - Mom and Dad are already a couple of jam heads.”

The doctor’s eyes lit up.
















“Great Scott! Now why didn’t I think of that?”


Hmm. He looks awfully familiar.

Twisted News: Obama's endorsements defy laws of nature

It all started when Hillary Clinton, after fighting like mad for the Democratic nomination, came out at the convention with just as much fervor to concede and throw her weight behind Barack. When asked why she was so willing to discard her pride and step up for this shocking display of unity, she replied, “Any night I can piss off my husband is a good night.”

That same night Bill Clinton was overheard saying, “I love the guy. Why else would I be so supportive? I don’t need my wife to get a piece. Consider that when you’re in the voting booth.”


Another shocker was just last week when General Colin Powell, a Republican, came out of the closet on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’ to endorse Barack. While speaking to Tom Brokaw off-camera, he said, “Back when I was for the war I was really against it, but it was the most popular mind-set. Do I regret it? Of course. After eight years of Bush in the White House, am I ashamed to call myself a Republican? Naturally. I just went out and a bought a blue hybrid, a blue beach house in the Bahamas, and a great set of books for my young grandchild based on the TV show, ‘Blue’s Clues’. I’ve even got bluebirds and a donkey in my backyard now.”

Then Tom said, “You’ve been privately supporting Barack for months now. Why wait so long to make it public?”

Powell replied, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s pretty clear he’s the most popular candidate.”


Fast forward to this weekend. The Anchorage Daily News is the state of Alaska’s largest newspaper. Unbelievably, it was reported on CNN and internet news sites that the newspaper has publicly endorsed Barack Obama. When asked why they weren’t supporting a McCain/Palin White House, they came out with this statement…

“We are grateful for everything our sweetheart, Governor Sarah Palin, has done for Alaska and its citizens. We would love nothing more than to support a ticket with a VP candidate who governs our great state, but…

Seriously? For real? You’re kidding, right?”


And the last we will report on (but not the least) is the man who came out to shock the world as one of Barack’s strongest supporters, Joe Biden. It was leaked he will be chosen as People Magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. The editors have fallen hard for him, and stated the following reasons for their choice.

“He swallowed his pride when he accepted Barack’s offering to become the VP candidate. In the past he’s ran for President not once, but twice. That is some ‘heart-melting humility’.”

“He survived a near-death experience when an angry McCain supporter broke into his house and clubbed him in the head with a baseball bat. That is some tough. And not long after that, America’s favorite gaff machine was back to display his ‘irresistible sense of humor’.”

“He is a ‘rock solid family man’ which makes him very appealing to the ladies. Any old white guy who can make a young black woman throw her panties with abandon is incredibly sexy.”

Twisted News: Palin's first news conference

Sarah Palin may be leery of the media in general, but she was eager to take questions from many students in an elementary school gymnasium during what she thought would be a private session. This transcript is based on an audio recording, so there are no pictures. Aw, shucks.

Sarah: Hi, kids! Do you know who I am?

Girl: That lady from Saturday Night Live!? Can I please have your autograph?!

Sarah: I’m actually Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, as you’ve probably seen in The Simpsons Movie. I’m running for Vice President alongside John McCain. I’ll be signing autographs when we’re done here and you’ll be the very first to get one!

Girl: Uh, no thanks.

Boy: You were in The Simpsons Movie?

Sarah: Almost, but not quite. What I meant was Alaska is the state Homer Simpson ran to when his family was in hiding. Did you see me wink just now?

Girl: Why did you come to our school? We’re just kids.

Sarah: Well you may just be children, but I believe you are our future, so if we teach you well- oh wait, you’ll probably recognize those lines from School of Rock. Truth is - I needed a little break from being around grown-ups, and I was in the neighborhood, and your principal is a republican. So I’m here today, just to talk to you all and give you a sense of who I am, and hopefully you’ll go home and tell your parents about the nice lady running for Vice President. Does that sound cool, or what?

Cricket: Chirp-chirp.

Sarah: John McCain will become our next president if we are so blessed, and I hope you’ll think of us as the angels we are. We’re here to protect you from all of the evils out there and fight them while we reign supreme in the justice and liberties of which shall be determined should be held sacred, and other good and safe things like that. I even brought flag tattoos for all of you, which I recommend wearing proudly on your foreheads. Does staying safe sound good to you kids?

(Could be a) Boy or girl: My mom already taught me about ‘stranger danger’. Will we get candy if you win?

Sarah: Of course, and I’m glad you asked that question. Part of our economic plan includes distributing candy to every family in America. But it will have to be fair, so the rich families will get more candy than the poor ones. You see kids, poor families will be happy with whatever they get!

Boy or girl: Mom said not to take candy from strangers. Now I’m scared.

Sarah: Um, next question?

Girl: Who is Joe the Plumber? And Joe Six-Pack? Are they the same guy?

Sarah: I see some one here has been paying attention to my speeches!

Girl: Actually, I heard my grandma (who has Alzheimer’s) telling my mom that you talk about them a lot but it’s just a gimmick. Is that true? ‘Cause my grandma is kind of nuts.

Sarah: Hmm. Well let me tell you, Joe the Plumber is just as important as Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Yes he can! Can he plumb it? You betcha! Joe Six-Pack is better than Joe Camel. And a Nobama is better than an Obama. No gimmicks here kids, just the facts. And I’m so sorry about your grandma. Under John McCain’s health care plan your family can put that money to good use, ensuring your grandma is always kept far away from you. Seedy caretakers are better than none, Hon!

Boy: Can you really see Russia from your house? My big sister pretends to be you when she says it, but then she laughs, so I’m confused.

Sarah: Well here’s a little secret. If I go way up on the roof of my mansion and use a really high-powered telescope, then yes I can see Russia. Yes I can! So you tell your sister that, and you can also tell her she’s not getting any candy.

Girl: I saw you on TV with Katie Couric. Did you watch yourself?

Sarah: Now I’m curious, Sweetie. Why would you ask that?

Girl: ‘Cause if I ever got on TV I would want to watch myself, so I just wanted to know if you watched yourself. Why else?

Sarah: Well, the answer to that is a firm NO. First of all, I’d much rather stick to my line- er, talking points than veer off course and talk to any mean gotch-ya journalists out there. And to tell ya the truth, I knew when it was over it would just be a side note in our campaign. I have more important things to do than watch myself on TV, like focus on winning by saying whatever I can about our opponent on the campaign trail, and making sure my good name is kept good back home in Alaska. And I will continue in this fashion to keep things relevant because I love my America.

(Another) Boy or girl: What are gotch-ya journ-lists?

Sarah: I’m glad you asked! Gotch-ya journalists are reporters who ask trick questions to get you to say something they can pick apart and say mean things about. You know what bullies are, right? Well that’s what they are. Mean school yard bullies with a lust for the taste of blood. Sometimes they give you something funny to drink before you even get started. Well, I’ll just come right out and say it ‘cause I like to talk straight. Kids, the media and news people out there are evil. Well, all of them except Rush Limbaugh. They don’t like me because I’m angelic and good. That not only makes me better than them, but also secures my place in heaven as they sink to the depths of hell. And some day, they’ll beg for mercy as I file my nails and watch reruns of Walker: Texas Ranger with John McCain in The Situation Room. So you kids need not worry. We know how to keep you safe.

Boy: Are you saying Barack Obama can’t keep us safe?

Sarah: You’d have to ask him that question yourself, but I really don’t think he’s coming here! And I won’t say you should fear him, but I’d better let you know - if you look anything like Osama Bin Laden, he’ll shoot you dead.

Boy: Didn’t you say he is pals with terrorists?

Sarah: No, I said he pals around with terrorists. There’s a difference. So when you go to sleep at night, imagine John McCain and I floating over your house. We’re just a couple of angels sent here to reprogram your thoughts in goodness to protect you from harm, is all. But now it’s time to wrap this up. I’ve got to get back to the pumpin’, stumpin’ and tub thumpin’. Just one more question.

Girl: Do you have any advice for us girls when we grow up?

Sarah: Girls, this is important. I want you all to be winners, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. You just can’t go wrong if you find a rich, old man.

The Shit List: Undecided Voters

On occasion I make a mental note of certain groups of people I hold a good amount of contempt for. But why keep it bottled up inside? So I’ve decided to share my feelings. It isn’t hatred - I just really dislike these people. I’m calling it ‘The shit list’ for lack of a better title. ‘People I really dislike’ sounds too lame, and ‘People who should disappear off the face of the earth’ or ‘People I hold a good amount of contempt for’ are too long, and that last one just plain sucks.

Watching the presidential race has been so weird this year. I can’t remember a race ever being this dramatic. It’s like a soap opera except it’s real life, which is pretty awful when I think about it that way. I hate soaps, but I do enjoy vanilla scented body wash. I also hate polls for many reasons but mainly because it’s always really close, and you’ve got those undecided voters who could swing it either way, yet they insist on remaining undecided right up until the very end just to keep the rest of us guessing. Thanks, guys! So we don’t really know how it will end, but I’m ready for it to end now.

Here’s my advice for undecided voters. The first time in my life I had a tough decision to make I went to my dad. Maybe it was something like deciding whether or not to wear those hideous leg warmers to school because they were considered hip, but whatever and whenever it was, it was a tough decision at the time. So I asked my dad how he decided what to do when he was confused about something. He said, “You’ve got to weigh it out.”

He held out his hands, palms up, like he was a human scale and literally showed me how it worked. “You put all the good on this side, put all the bad on the other side. If the bad outweighs the good, it’s the wrong choice. If the good outweighs the bad, that’s probably the right choice. Run with it.”

The leg warmers helped to keep my legs warm that winter.

So there you go. You think about everything you already know, and find out everything you don’t yet know but want to know. Then you weigh it out. It’s not fool-proof, but it’s a formula and better than just sitting on your haunches. So please, and I’m probably speaking for most political junkies here, don’t remain undecided another day.

We’ve still got over two weeks left before the standard national voting day, but that doesn’t mean the undecideds should keep telling the pollsters they have no clue who they are voting for. Everyone’s identity I assume is kept confidential, so what’s keeping them from spitting it out? Are they really still confused or are they just paranoid? Are they on drugs? Alcoholics? Is there a Nazi in the room when they get the call? I give up.

Yeah, I know. Polls are usually wrong anyway. I should just turn off the TV and go to church.

Twisted Lyrics: My Name Is Joe The Plumber

This came to me when I saw a McCain t-shirt on CNN that read, “My name is Joe the plumber.”

This is an obvious twist on Eminem’s song, My Name Is. I’m just having some fun and it won’t be long before everyone forgets all about this guy. I’m also a fan of Carly Simon but I couldn’t make this fit with any of her songs.


My Name Is… Joe The Plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Ah hem. Excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the press for one second?

Hi kids! Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick Palin’s nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly as I did?
Trick y’all and get f***ed up worse than my life is?
I don’t play straight, found a candidate to bait
but I can’t figure out why I owe $1200 to the state
John McCain said, “Joe you are a winner!”
Uh-uh. “You won the debate. Here’s your dinner!”
Well I pretend, I feel like I’m someone else
Cause I felt like a rich plumber cause that’s just how I felt
Got pissed off and ripped the democrat’s balls off
And smacked him so hard he went away crying, so I thought
You all should know who I am, my real name is Sam
I’m on McCain’s side and I don’t give a damn
I am Sam (We know your last name is Wurzelbacher!)
But please call me Joe, God sent me to be the plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

My fifteen minutes of fame sure aren't flyin by fast
Thanks a lot, I was just hoping it wouldn't last
But it’s okay that I’m on many buttons, McCain’s shown me lovin,
and even Sarah Palin gives me huggin (Wow!)
Showed up in the crowd, had my other face on
Surprised Obama, now do you all think I’m a con?
A registered voter, runnin with republicans
and the liberals are screamin at me: “Let’s just be friends!”
Ninety-nine percent of my life is just a dream
I just found out I need a license and I’m steamed (Damn!)
I told me I’d grow up to be a famous plumber
Make a statement about Palin love and try not to hurt her
You know you blew up when the McCain says your name
and the reporters flood your house givin you this fame
Barack at the debate asked to explain his plan
(Joe, can I speak about my plan?)
So I sighed, “Dear Barack, thanks for the support, Asshole!”

Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Stop the tape, this plumber is sick of TV!
John McCain, don’t just stand there, you’re the key!
I’m not feelin too good, cause the people do pry (F*** that!)
They’ll have to slap me on more t-shirts in order to keep my name alive
Am I Samuel or Joe? I can barely decide
I just might lose my self respect, dare me to cry?
All my life I moved from there to here
I have lived in Arizona, in Alaska for almost a year
(Whoops!) You know I’m the Incredible Joe
I’m in Ohio, and I’m the star of the show (C’mere)
When I was unknown I used to get so pissed off I would throw fits
How you gonna help, Joe Biden? You ain’t got no tits! (Wahhh!)
I have to get a plumbing license to work
What the hell happened? I’ll get you media jerks (Bang!)
I’m steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see Barack? (Yeah?)
Tell him that I kicked his ass, and my vote is locked

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is…



You can get your button at McCain's website...

How to sexually harass a co-worker

Are you ready to learn how to successfully navigate around those pesky laws banning sexual harassment in the workplace? In order to effectively break these laws meant to protect women and women only, certain criteria must be met. If you fall into any of the following categories, congratulations! You are on your way.

First and foremost, you must be:

An attractive woman, OR

A man who resembles an attractive woman, OR

Self-employed


If you don’t meet any of these basic criteria, there is simply no hope for you. Unless you resort to violence, of course. So stay tuned for the next how-to, entitled ‘How to pick up a lesbian’, as we do not wish to discriminate here.


Tips for the women and those who come very, very close...

1. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just stroll up to a guy at work and make a move on his unit. Even if he likes it (and studies have shown he will) you run the risk of getting written up or treated like a two-bit hooker. For the sake of simplicity let’s pretend this is a straight man you’re dealing with here. He could tell his wife or girlfriend (you may or may not know exists), which could be much worse. Especially if you are a man in female attire, which makes defending yourself against a mad bitch that much more complicated. And your gender doesn’t matter if she resembles a sumo wrestler. Odds are you’ll be her next meal. Even if not one of these disastrous scenarios occur, he WILL tell at least one guy at work. It won’t be long before word spreads like a meth whore in a truck stop parking lot. The bottom line: If you don’t like your job and plan on leaving anyway, then by all means, roll the dice and make a beeline straight for his junk. But if you’re gonna do it, do it right and get it on video.

2. The safest target is one who has no idea he is a target. Find a good-looking gent with tattoos. The more tats the better, as this will give you more opportunities to play. On each occasion, point out one specific piece of artwork on his beautriful body and touch away. He will not only welcome your advances but gladly tell you all about the particular tattoo - where and when he got it, what gang it might represent, etc. You can either pretend to listen in awe or keep touching it (him) until he is finished with the boring details. Then gracefully walk away, and in your mind shout, Score!

3. Additional hint: Anything in-between these two extremes is safe because you are an attractive woman (or resemble one). Have fun sexually harassing!


Tips for the self-employed...

1. The safest target is most likely the only target in sight - yourself. If you are a man and indeed resemble one, this is the only way you can be absolutely successful in the world of sexual harassment. In addition, the only time you can pull this off is while working alone. But all genders have to realize what a wonderful position they are in here. You are your own boss, so YOU set your own schedule. As long as you strike in the privacy of your own office there is virtually no risk here. And you can go much, much further than the average workplace harasser. Get yourself a full-length mirror if you don’t already have one. Set the mood by lighting a candle or wearing a leopard-print thong. If you are a woman, slap on some pasties. Men and women, you’ll thank yourself later for going all out. So… now that you’re armed with this knowledge you can get creative, and use your imagination for a most pleasing harassment experience.

2. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just sexually harass yourself in public. For example, you might remember what happened to “Pee Wee” Herman when he worked his hose in a movie theater. After making his contribution to an already sticky floor, he got arrested! Most of society still looks down on touching yourself in a public place, even if that place is dark and already swirling with germs. And if this can happen in a movie theater, Buddha only knows how you could get away with it at a bus stop or in a city park. And I don’t have to tell you how bad it would be if you DID get arrested. In these tough economic times, who could afford the related fines? It’s hard enough being self-employed as it is, so for the love of Anna Nicole Smith, don’t do it unless you’re suicidal. The bottom line: Public masturbation is much better than jumping off a bridge. If you’re thinking about overdosing on painkillers or slitting those wrists, then by all means, replace those thoughts with self-lust and pretend no one will see you working that hand (or dildo) in the poster section at Spencer’s.

3. Additional hint: Buddha isn’t watching. Have fun sexually harassing!


Today's How-to was brought to you by twisted-wiki.com, NOT twistedwick.

The star of the Republican ticket

She stole McCain’s wisp of thunder and since then has been some sort of puppet person. And according to recent polls, the ‘Palin factor’ has been working well for Obama’s campaign. Much better than Biden. However, I don’t think it’s fair for Palin to say she’s been hearing about Biden’s speeches since she was in second grade. So here’s a cheap shot for ya. I’m 35. She’s 44. Do the math. When I was in second grade she was busy getting nailed in the back seat of a Chevy.

I think Palin is just trying too hard at this point. That quip was an obvious attempt at impersonating Tina Fey that went all screwy on the poor woman. And when Katie Couric got up in her grill about her statement, she tried to pass it off like it wasn’t a dig on Biden’s age and said he was experienced three or four times. I guess Katie really threw her off there. Sarah got so confused she thought she was talking about McCain. Katie is really a bad ass. Anyone in her line of fire should be… scared?

If what America really wants is a dummy times two in office yet again, then elect me. My running mate will be my female dog, Sparky Churchill. That’s historic times two. Two bitches in office. So wrong it must be right? The dog is qualified in commandeering because she’s also named after the great Winston. What can I say. I just knew this day would come.

While Palin was on stage at the convention speaking to a semi-live audience of Republicans, she said if they just gave her a chance she could make them all fifty years younger. And the crowd went wild. There were canes waving and hair plugs flying. Exciting stuff there. Even Joe Biden flinched.

After asking that great question (back before she was actually chosen), “What does a Vice President do?”…

She has apparently been taking a crash course. The question is, will the course crash? I thought for sure it would when they took the teleprompter away. But now that they’re letting her speak on her own, the public is impressed that she can come across like she’s speaking on her own. Maybe they’ll let her talk to reporters some time in the near future for a few minutes, to prove she isn’t just a puppet in lipstick, but I won’t hold my breath waiting for a Sarah Palin news conference. Something tells me, even if he allowed that, McCain would be right behind her whispering, “No comment on ‘bridge to nowhere’.”

Did you know twenty percent of Alaskans hate her guts? You call them cheap shots. I call them fun facts.

Back to the convention… during her acceptance speech she announced she had put the governor’s jet up for sale on ebay. And she went city to city, and kept saying it like it was an awesome achievement. “I said I don’t need no stinking luxury jet! Ebay! Woo! Yeah! Ebay!”

She had me convinced. Convinced she’s addicted to ebay, that is.

Now she just needs to tell us all what she buys on ebay. This is what we really want to know. Who cares about political experience? Let’s talk online auctions, kids and lipstick. Better yet, she needs to sit down with Barbara Walters. That’s how you win an election.

Every great leader has had a love for auctions. That’s how Teddy got his guns. And that’s how Nixon got rid of those pesky documents. That didn’t work out too well for him. But Gerald Ford didn’t come around until he was his 90’s. And once he got started he couldn’t stop. He bought a steel building (on ebay) and used it to store all of his purchases. He was on the site every day, so he eventually ran out of storage space. And that’s when his heart gave out. It’s sad. His hand was still holding the mouse when they found him, face down on the keyboard. Then his wife had to auction off everything.

I wish I could relate to Palin, I really do, but among many things she’d have to suddenly realize the importance of Roe v. Wade and our right to privacy. As far as abortion is concerned, do you think someone like me with a bunch of kids has ever considered it? But it’s comforting to know the option is there. You take that away, and what’s next? Tampon machines in rest rooms? Noooooo!

But I still heart Governor Palin, because she’s a woman with a bunch of kids and a love for the elk jerky. With a little luck from the masses and a big kiss from heaven, perhaps she could become president some day. If she doesn’t want to wait as long as Bush Senior did, after “helping” McCain win the election she should keep praying to that Republican God, and maybe (if she prays it will be God’s will) the grim reaper will bump him up to the top of the list.

What? You don’t really think she has any strategy, do you? She IS the strategy.

Yes, it’s that simple. Some day she could be the first president to put Air Force One up for sale on ebay.