How to sexually harass a co-worker

Are you ready to learn how to successfully navigate around those pesky laws banning sexual harassment in the workplace? In order to effectively break these laws meant to protect women and women only, certain criteria must be met. If you fall into any of the following categories, congratulations! You are on your way.

First and foremost, you must be:

An attractive woman, OR

A man who resembles an attractive woman, OR

Self-employed


If you don’t meet any of these basic criteria, there is simply no hope for you. Unless you resort to violence, of course. So stay tuned for the next how-to, entitled ‘How to pick up a lesbian’, as we do not wish to discriminate here.


Tips for the women and those who come very, very close...

1. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just stroll up to a guy at work and make a move on his unit. Even if he likes it (and studies have shown he will) you run the risk of getting written up or treated like a two-bit hooker. For the sake of simplicity let’s pretend this is a straight man you’re dealing with here. He could tell his wife or girlfriend (you may or may not know exists), which could be much worse. Especially if you are a man in female attire, which makes defending yourself against a mad bitch that much more complicated. And your gender doesn’t matter if she resembles a sumo wrestler. Odds are you’ll be her next meal. Even if not one of these disastrous scenarios occur, he WILL tell at least one guy at work. It won’t be long before word spreads like a meth whore in a truck stop parking lot. The bottom line: If you don’t like your job and plan on leaving anyway, then by all means, roll the dice and make a beeline straight for his junk. But if you’re gonna do it, do it right and get it on video.

2. The safest target is one who has no idea he is a target. Find a good-looking gent with tattoos. The more tats the better, as this will give you more opportunities to play. On each occasion, point out one specific piece of artwork on his beautriful body and touch away. He will not only welcome your advances but gladly tell you all about the particular tattoo - where and when he got it, what gang it might represent, etc. You can either pretend to listen in awe or keep touching it (him) until he is finished with the boring details. Then gracefully walk away, and in your mind shout, Score!

3. Additional hint: Anything in-between these two extremes is safe because you are an attractive woman (or resemble one). Have fun sexually harassing!


Tips for the self-employed...

1. The safest target is most likely the only target in sight - yourself. If you are a man and indeed resemble one, this is the only way you can be absolutely successful in the world of sexual harassment. In addition, the only time you can pull this off is while working alone. But all genders have to realize what a wonderful position they are in here. You are your own boss, so YOU set your own schedule. As long as you strike in the privacy of your own office there is virtually no risk here. And you can go much, much further than the average workplace harasser. Get yourself a full-length mirror if you don’t already have one. Set the mood by lighting a candle or wearing a leopard-print thong. If you are a woman, slap on some pasties. Men and women, you’ll thank yourself later for going all out. So… now that you’re armed with this knowledge you can get creative, and use your imagination for a most pleasing harassment experience.

2. The don’ts: Don’t think for a minute you can just sexually harass yourself in public. For example, you might remember what happened to “Pee Wee” Herman when he worked his hose in a movie theater. After making his contribution to an already sticky floor, he got arrested! Most of society still looks down on touching yourself in a public place, even if that place is dark and already swirling with germs. And if this can happen in a movie theater, Buddha only knows how you could get away with it at a bus stop or in a city park. And I don’t have to tell you how bad it would be if you DID get arrested. In these tough economic times, who could afford the related fines? It’s hard enough being self-employed as it is, so for the love of Anna Nicole Smith, don’t do it unless you’re suicidal. The bottom line: Public masturbation is much better than jumping off a bridge. If you’re thinking about overdosing on painkillers or slitting those wrists, then by all means, replace those thoughts with self-lust and pretend no one will see you working that hand (or dildo) in the poster section at Spencer’s.

3. Additional hint: Buddha isn’t watching. Have fun sexually harassing!


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