Eddie Murphy, I hope you're not toying with us

It takes a special kind of person to get up on stage, and while warming up the crowd say, “Hey baby, what’s shaking tonight?” to a complete stranger in the front row. But if the comic is good someone’s face will turn red. And they might even laugh hysterically for no reason. Well, no reason other than they were singled out and are so excited to be able to share that moment (and also very nervous and not PMSing).

Somehow I can imagine Eddie Murphy doing just that. No, not giggling in the crowd. There’s no punch line here.

He says he’ll return to stand-up comedy in a few years. After he’s finished with his current Hollywood commitments, he’s planning to retire from movies altogether and do what he obviously loves and misses. If you have googled the man within the last 24 hours, or watch the Today Show then you already know this. But I’m betting there are people out there who have better things to do in the morning than suffer through an Al Roker interview. Things like flossing, or sleeping off a hangover and waking at noon to tell themselves, “It’s always okay to black out among friends.”

All I can really say about this news is, I hope the man is serious. He better not be spouting this off in a desperate attempt to save face after the embarrassment of starring in more lame films than… than… well, you get the picture. If you have no idea what he’s been doing since Beverly Hills Cop you might want to consider getting out of whatever cult you are in right now, or leaving the convent, or running away from the Amish community. Hmm, I bet they’re having the last laugh, with their horses and buggies.

So, if he indeed is telling the truth and not just spitting out sentences in an effort to regain some dignity, can you imagine what a serious case of comedic back-up this man must have? It’s been like, gosh, at least half a century or something since he last did a routine. He’s probably got material dating back to the Ice Age, or whenever Madonna first became famous. So, the more I think about it the more the anticipation begins to build. I’d punch Madonna in the face to see him doing stand up again. I’d hit her so hard, I’d send her back to Sean Penn.

Raw was the first show I ever saw. When you’re a kid and Eddie Murphy is the first comedian you ever see perform, well, even though it was on video it’s still pretty tough to forget that moment in my life. And if my mom knew I had seen it at the time, she probably would’ve locked me up with the nuns for at least a year, or would've made me swallow rosary beads. Just rubbing them and “hailing Mary” wouldn’t have been enough. And I ate soap so many times, I figure, she’d have to come up with something unique under the circumstances. I’m just glad she never found out.

So, you go boy. Bring it back, and please be relevant after all these years. If worse comes to worse, you can always, just… use a lot of curse words.