The adoption option

Whenever I think on this subject one thing that really gets my blood boiling, especially since half of those ‘special’ people who ‘work for us’ in Washington are ‘gay on the side’… is that in most places in the US a gay couple can’t even adopt. Well, maybe there aren’t any laws banning it unless you’re in Arkansas, or was that Alabama and what’s the difference? Even so, they’d rather place a waiting child into the hands of a 100-yr-old couple who cane youngin’s at will.


This…


…And this could happen to a child near you.

Yes, maybe some do deserve a good caning. 99% probably need one, but try telling that to a social worker. Seriously though, no kid should ever, ever have to change a bedpan…

When using the word ‘gay’ I’m talking about men of course. Gay women can go to a sperm bank so I’m not even acknowledging them here. I just think it’s so totally unfair. Plus, I’m not related to any gay women so call me biased if you want. It doesn’t change the inequality.

Gay people are just like us. Except they’re gay, which a lot of people get hung up on because according to their bibles they’ll burn in hell right alongside everyone who lies, cheats, steals and listens to extremists. I think what that means is when the world ends the entire city of Washington, D.C. will turn into a giant lake of fire and everyone tuned into Rush Limbaugh will suddenly feel their heads explode.

I know it’s up to each state to decide whether or not to allow or ban a gay couple from providing just as much love as a straight one to children who truly need it. So I wish they’d come to their senses and look at it from a logical perspective. Why must the bible always be used as a divisive device when there’s so much we could learn from it? To be more specific, it clearly states in Revelations that in the year 2012 Washington, D.C. will turn into a lake of fire and Rush will reveal to his listeners he is the son of Lucifer himself causing heads to violently explode. Then, according to the mother of one of my daughter’s friends*, Yellowstone National Park will erupt and destroy us all.

*Ask your kids what they’ve heard lately at school but sit down first.

Of course before that happens, President Obama (who was in Hawaii hosting a party for his party) will lead his followers to the new city of Jerusalem where Senator Max Baucus will finally be free to dance in the daisies and put flowers in his hair. But not before letting everyone know he still opposes gay marriage, adding he just doesn’t think it’s fair to ban it.

So Montana Max will still be one of many confusing Democrats, but since he’s taken more pro-Israel PAC money than anyone it gives him a free pass to enter the city of gold. What I mean is, since he’s been such a huge supporter of Israel he’ll breeze right in while Rush burns for all eternity… the fact that Max has received well over $319,000 in his career from those contributions alone is just a side note.


How much to get Maxi out of the closet?

By now you must obviously be wondering how Oct-O-Mom fits into all of this, so I’ll briefly drop the silliness and even the sarcasm. If Nadya Suleman really wanted everyone to leave her alone she’d give up the babies and a few others for adoption. Her kids would be happy, the public would be happy and the media would temporarily melt into a pool of tears. Wouldn’t it be for the best?

The only downside is gays still can’t adopt but if they could just rustle up a shit load of money for the right people or lie on the application… Well, I’ll always be an optimist.

Twisted News: Palin's first news conference

Sarah Palin may be leery of the media in general, but she was eager to take questions from many students in an elementary school gymnasium during what she thought would be a private session. This transcript is based on an audio recording, so there are no pictures. Aw, shucks.

Sarah: Hi, kids! Do you know who I am?

Girl: That lady from Saturday Night Live!? Can I please have your autograph?!

Sarah: I’m actually Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, as you’ve probably seen in The Simpsons Movie. I’m running for Vice President alongside John McCain. I’ll be signing autographs when we’re done here and you’ll be the very first to get one!

Girl: Uh, no thanks.

Boy: You were in The Simpsons Movie?

Sarah: Almost, but not quite. What I meant was Alaska is the state Homer Simpson ran to when his family was in hiding. Did you see me wink just now?

Girl: Why did you come to our school? We’re just kids.

Sarah: Well you may just be children, but I believe you are our future, so if we teach you well- oh wait, you’ll probably recognize those lines from School of Rock. Truth is - I needed a little break from being around grown-ups, and I was in the neighborhood, and your principal is a republican. So I’m here today, just to talk to you all and give you a sense of who I am, and hopefully you’ll go home and tell your parents about the nice lady running for Vice President. Does that sound cool, or what?

Cricket: Chirp-chirp.

Sarah: John McCain will become our next president if we are so blessed, and I hope you’ll think of us as the angels we are. We’re here to protect you from all of the evils out there and fight them while we reign supreme in the justice and liberties of which shall be determined should be held sacred, and other good and safe things like that. I even brought flag tattoos for all of you, which I recommend wearing proudly on your foreheads. Does staying safe sound good to you kids?

(Could be a) Boy or girl: My mom already taught me about ‘stranger danger’. Will we get candy if you win?

Sarah: Of course, and I’m glad you asked that question. Part of our economic plan includes distributing candy to every family in America. But it will have to be fair, so the rich families will get more candy than the poor ones. You see kids, poor families will be happy with whatever they get!

Boy or girl: Mom said not to take candy from strangers. Now I’m scared.

Sarah: Um, next question?

Girl: Who is Joe the Plumber? And Joe Six-Pack? Are they the same guy?

Sarah: I see some one here has been paying attention to my speeches!

Girl: Actually, I heard my grandma (who has Alzheimer’s) telling my mom that you talk about them a lot but it’s just a gimmick. Is that true? ‘Cause my grandma is kind of nuts.

Sarah: Hmm. Well let me tell you, Joe the Plumber is just as important as Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Yes he can! Can he plumb it? You betcha! Joe Six-Pack is better than Joe Camel. And a Nobama is better than an Obama. No gimmicks here kids, just the facts. And I’m so sorry about your grandma. Under John McCain’s health care plan your family can put that money to good use, ensuring your grandma is always kept far away from you. Seedy caretakers are better than none, Hon!

Boy: Can you really see Russia from your house? My big sister pretends to be you when she says it, but then she laughs, so I’m confused.

Sarah: Well here’s a little secret. If I go way up on the roof of my mansion and use a really high-powered telescope, then yes I can see Russia. Yes I can! So you tell your sister that, and you can also tell her she’s not getting any candy.

Girl: I saw you on TV with Katie Couric. Did you watch yourself?

Sarah: Now I’m curious, Sweetie. Why would you ask that?

Girl: ‘Cause if I ever got on TV I would want to watch myself, so I just wanted to know if you watched yourself. Why else?

Sarah: Well, the answer to that is a firm NO. First of all, I’d much rather stick to my line- er, talking points than veer off course and talk to any mean gotch-ya journalists out there. And to tell ya the truth, I knew when it was over it would just be a side note in our campaign. I have more important things to do than watch myself on TV, like focus on winning by saying whatever I can about our opponent on the campaign trail, and making sure my good name is kept good back home in Alaska. And I will continue in this fashion to keep things relevant because I love my America.

(Another) Boy or girl: What are gotch-ya journ-lists?

Sarah: I’m glad you asked! Gotch-ya journalists are reporters who ask trick questions to get you to say something they can pick apart and say mean things about. You know what bullies are, right? Well that’s what they are. Mean school yard bullies with a lust for the taste of blood. Sometimes they give you something funny to drink before you even get started. Well, I’ll just come right out and say it ‘cause I like to talk straight. Kids, the media and news people out there are evil. Well, all of them except Rush Limbaugh. They don’t like me because I’m angelic and good. That not only makes me better than them, but also secures my place in heaven as they sink to the depths of hell. And some day, they’ll beg for mercy as I file my nails and watch reruns of Walker: Texas Ranger with John McCain in The Situation Room. So you kids need not worry. We know how to keep you safe.

Boy: Are you saying Barack Obama can’t keep us safe?

Sarah: You’d have to ask him that question yourself, but I really don’t think he’s coming here! And I won’t say you should fear him, but I’d better let you know - if you look anything like Osama Bin Laden, he’ll shoot you dead.

Boy: Didn’t you say he is pals with terrorists?

Sarah: No, I said he pals around with terrorists. There’s a difference. So when you go to sleep at night, imagine John McCain and I floating over your house. We’re just a couple of angels sent here to reprogram your thoughts in goodness to protect you from harm, is all. But now it’s time to wrap this up. I’ve got to get back to the pumpin’, stumpin’ and tub thumpin’. Just one more question.

Girl: Do you have any advice for us girls when we grow up?

Sarah: Girls, this is important. I want you all to be winners, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. You just can’t go wrong if you find a rich, old man.

Dear John...

This is Elizabeth’s fake reply to John’s fake letter as posted here.

Dear John,

F*** YOU. This is all on YOU. Did you honestly think the truth would never come out? Seriously? Did you think for one minute you could not only cheat on me, but then just as easily chase me out of your life? Ah yes, that would be the icing on the mother f***ing cake.

You can plead ‘til the worms are slithering through your rotting corpse. I’m not going anywhere, babe. Not without a cage match to the death, you miserable man-slut.

I really do hate to rain on your parade, especially under the circumstances. You poor thing, you. What with all of the pressure, and the media exposing your lies... And now people are saying that bitch’s baby is yours too. I just can’t imagine what THAT must be like. BOO HOO.

You've really blown it, Johnny. I’ll never let your sorry ass off the hook. You’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your pitiful and pathetic life. Now I’m even more determined to keep my cancer in remission. If it comes back I'll fight it with a vengeance, only so I can give back all you have coming. Thank you for that.

Oh, and I WILL make your life a living hell. I'll be right by your side, haunting you at every turn. You phony, rotten, arrogant, deceitful, egotistical, slithering, back-stabbing, weaseling, lying, whore-licking, AIDS-sucking, cheating bastard!!!

Forever yours,

Elizabeth

John McCain speaks to America again

Hello America,

I’m back to do some ‘splaining about an ad you may or may not have seen comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. My campaign came up with this honorable spot to let you know my opponent is one who simply cannot be trusted. This was a fair and unbiased representation of a man who has only been in the Senate for 3 years. I, on the other hand, have been proudly serving this country since long before most of you youngsters were even born. And I’m proud.

I’m proud of this ad because it was hilarious. After viewing the ad for the first time, my campaign team and I laughed and laughed. I soaked my Depends within seconds. I am proud to work with comrades who are in tune with my sense of humor and know just how to tickle my funny bone. And when it comes right down to winning over young voters, humor works. Comedians themselves are insanely jealous. Come on now. Admit it. The ad is funny.

I’m proud of this ad because it finally got me some desperately needed attention. Let’s face it, my campaign is in crisis mode here. Senator Obama has been globe trotting and now he’s back on American soil and everyone knows about it. Thanks to the media, you all know when he’s taking a shit and you know its color and consistency. I've had to deal with the media sucking his ass and face for far too long now. The only way I can get any coverage is if I attack their lover in every way possible. And I might add it’s amazing just how far a rape threat can get you. I was on Wolf Blitzer’s show last week.

I am the only one you can trust, America. How can I can get through to you people? There’s just no other way to show you I am indeed the better man. So be prepared for many more ads like this one, and the one about the media boning my opponent. I’m only pointing out the Senator's weaknesses in a way that shows I am an elect-able candidate. We’ve only just begun, and I’m proud. I’m a winner.

And while we're on the subject of winning, let’s talk about my years and years of experience. For example, I have an excellent track record of thinking about the oil and energy crisis. It’s been on my mind for the last 20+ years - well - since the late 70’s. That’s got to count for something.

When push came to shove on the campaign trail, I exposed my genius by hopping on board with Senator Clinton’s proposal for a gas tax holiday that could’ve helped America immensely for a few awesome days.

Recently I’ve decided to support the off-shore drilling of oil when for years I was against it. I’ve flipped not because Bush did a 180 and is now supporting it, and not to align myself with most Americans on this issue. I've changed my position because I control the wind. And the idea of “too little, too late” is the way losers operate. Barack Obama is one of those big fat losers. Winners know you can never give up. If your head and torso are in the mouth of a shark, do you let him make a meal out of you? No, you put up a fight. You punch and kick. You scream. When you feel your body being sawed in two, you don’t give up. Blood pours out from you and attracts more sharks, but that’s okay because you’re still fighting for your life. Even when it’s obvious you only have but seconds left to live, you tell yourself it will be alright and continue your fight. That’s how to be a winner. Losers are always nitpicking and losing themselves in such trivial things as details. I’m above that, America. And I’m ready to lead you as your next President.




Vote for me, or you could be eaten by sharks.

I’m Senator McCain, and I don’t not approve this message.