Twisted News: Palin's first news conference

Sarah Palin may be leery of the media in general, but she was eager to take questions from many students in an elementary school gymnasium during what she thought would be a private session. This transcript is based on an audio recording, so there are no pictures. Aw, shucks.

Sarah: Hi, kids! Do you know who I am?

Girl: That lady from Saturday Night Live!? Can I please have your autograph?!

Sarah: I’m actually Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, as you’ve probably seen in The Simpsons Movie. I’m running for Vice President alongside John McCain. I’ll be signing autographs when we’re done here and you’ll be the very first to get one!

Girl: Uh, no thanks.

Boy: You were in The Simpsons Movie?

Sarah: Almost, but not quite. What I meant was Alaska is the state Homer Simpson ran to when his family was in hiding. Did you see me wink just now?

Girl: Why did you come to our school? We’re just kids.

Sarah: Well you may just be children, but I believe you are our future, so if we teach you well- oh wait, you’ll probably recognize those lines from School of Rock. Truth is - I needed a little break from being around grown-ups, and I was in the neighborhood, and your principal is a republican. So I’m here today, just to talk to you all and give you a sense of who I am, and hopefully you’ll go home and tell your parents about the nice lady running for Vice President. Does that sound cool, or what?

Cricket: Chirp-chirp.

Sarah: John McCain will become our next president if we are so blessed, and I hope you’ll think of us as the angels we are. We’re here to protect you from all of the evils out there and fight them while we reign supreme in the justice and liberties of which shall be determined should be held sacred, and other good and safe things like that. I even brought flag tattoos for all of you, which I recommend wearing proudly on your foreheads. Does staying safe sound good to you kids?

(Could be a) Boy or girl: My mom already taught me about ‘stranger danger’. Will we get candy if you win?

Sarah: Of course, and I’m glad you asked that question. Part of our economic plan includes distributing candy to every family in America. But it will have to be fair, so the rich families will get more candy than the poor ones. You see kids, poor families will be happy with whatever they get!

Boy or girl: Mom said not to take candy from strangers. Now I’m scared.

Sarah: Um, next question?

Girl: Who is Joe the Plumber? And Joe Six-Pack? Are they the same guy?

Sarah: I see some one here has been paying attention to my speeches!

Girl: Actually, I heard my grandma (who has Alzheimer’s) telling my mom that you talk about them a lot but it’s just a gimmick. Is that true? ‘Cause my grandma is kind of nuts.

Sarah: Hmm. Well let me tell you, Joe the Plumber is just as important as Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Yes he can! Can he plumb it? You betcha! Joe Six-Pack is better than Joe Camel. And a Nobama is better than an Obama. No gimmicks here kids, just the facts. And I’m so sorry about your grandma. Under John McCain’s health care plan your family can put that money to good use, ensuring your grandma is always kept far away from you. Seedy caretakers are better than none, Hon!

Boy: Can you really see Russia from your house? My big sister pretends to be you when she says it, but then she laughs, so I’m confused.

Sarah: Well here’s a little secret. If I go way up on the roof of my mansion and use a really high-powered telescope, then yes I can see Russia. Yes I can! So you tell your sister that, and you can also tell her she’s not getting any candy.

Girl: I saw you on TV with Katie Couric. Did you watch yourself?

Sarah: Now I’m curious, Sweetie. Why would you ask that?

Girl: ‘Cause if I ever got on TV I would want to watch myself, so I just wanted to know if you watched yourself. Why else?

Sarah: Well, the answer to that is a firm NO. First of all, I’d much rather stick to my line- er, talking points than veer off course and talk to any mean gotch-ya journalists out there. And to tell ya the truth, I knew when it was over it would just be a side note in our campaign. I have more important things to do than watch myself on TV, like focus on winning by saying whatever I can about our opponent on the campaign trail, and making sure my good name is kept good back home in Alaska. And I will continue in this fashion to keep things relevant because I love my America.

(Another) Boy or girl: What are gotch-ya journ-lists?

Sarah: I’m glad you asked! Gotch-ya journalists are reporters who ask trick questions to get you to say something they can pick apart and say mean things about. You know what bullies are, right? Well that’s what they are. Mean school yard bullies with a lust for the taste of blood. Sometimes they give you something funny to drink before you even get started. Well, I’ll just come right out and say it ‘cause I like to talk straight. Kids, the media and news people out there are evil. Well, all of them except Rush Limbaugh. They don’t like me because I’m angelic and good. That not only makes me better than them, but also secures my place in heaven as they sink to the depths of hell. And some day, they’ll beg for mercy as I file my nails and watch reruns of Walker: Texas Ranger with John McCain in The Situation Room. So you kids need not worry. We know how to keep you safe.

Boy: Are you saying Barack Obama can’t keep us safe?

Sarah: You’d have to ask him that question yourself, but I really don’t think he’s coming here! And I won’t say you should fear him, but I’d better let you know - if you look anything like Osama Bin Laden, he’ll shoot you dead.

Boy: Didn’t you say he is pals with terrorists?

Sarah: No, I said he pals around with terrorists. There’s a difference. So when you go to sleep at night, imagine John McCain and I floating over your house. We’re just a couple of angels sent here to reprogram your thoughts in goodness to protect you from harm, is all. But now it’s time to wrap this up. I’ve got to get back to the pumpin’, stumpin’ and tub thumpin’. Just one more question.

Girl: Do you have any advice for us girls when we grow up?

Sarah: Girls, this is important. I want you all to be winners, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. You just can’t go wrong if you find a rich, old man.

Twisted Lyrics: My Name Is Joe The Plumber

This came to me when I saw a McCain t-shirt on CNN that read, “My name is Joe the plumber.”

This is an obvious twist on Eminem’s song, My Name Is. I’m just having some fun and it won’t be long before everyone forgets all about this guy. I’m also a fan of Carly Simon but I couldn’t make this fit with any of her songs.


My Name Is… Joe The Plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Ah hem. Excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the press for one second?

Hi kids! Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick Palin’s nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly as I did?
Trick y’all and get f***ed up worse than my life is?
I don’t play straight, found a candidate to bait
but I can’t figure out why I owe $1200 to the state
John McCain said, “Joe you are a winner!”
Uh-uh. “You won the debate. Here’s your dinner!”
Well I pretend, I feel like I’m someone else
Cause I felt like a rich plumber cause that’s just how I felt
Got pissed off and ripped the democrat’s balls off
And smacked him so hard he went away crying, so I thought
You all should know who I am, my real name is Sam
I’m on McCain’s side and I don’t give a damn
I am Sam (We know your last name is Wurzelbacher!)
But please call me Joe, God sent me to be the plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

My fifteen minutes of fame sure aren't flyin by fast
Thanks a lot, I was just hoping it wouldn't last
But it’s okay that I’m on many buttons, McCain’s shown me lovin,
and even Sarah Palin gives me huggin (Wow!)
Showed up in the crowd, had my other face on
Surprised Obama, now do you all think I’m a con?
A registered voter, runnin with republicans
and the liberals are screamin at me: “Let’s just be friends!”
Ninety-nine percent of my life is just a dream
I just found out I need a license and I’m steamed (Damn!)
I told me I’d grow up to be a famous plumber
Make a statement about Palin love and try not to hurt her
You know you blew up when the McCain says your name
and the reporters flood your house givin you this fame
Barack at the debate asked to explain his plan
(Joe, can I speak about my plan?)
So I sighed, “Dear Barack, thanks for the support, Asshole!”

Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Stop the tape, this plumber is sick of TV!
John McCain, don’t just stand there, you’re the key!
I’m not feelin too good, cause the people do pry (F*** that!)
They’ll have to slap me on more t-shirts in order to keep my name alive
Am I Samuel or Joe? I can barely decide
I just might lose my self respect, dare me to cry?
All my life I moved from there to here
I have lived in Arizona, in Alaska for almost a year
(Whoops!) You know I’m the Incredible Joe
I’m in Ohio, and I’m the star of the show (C’mere)
When I was unknown I used to get so pissed off I would throw fits
How you gonna help, Joe Biden? You ain’t got no tits! (Wahhh!)
I have to get a plumbing license to work
What the hell happened? I’ll get you media jerks (Bang!)
I’m steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see Barack? (Yeah?)
Tell him that I kicked his ass, and my vote is locked

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is…



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