The adoption option

Whenever I think on this subject one thing that really gets my blood boiling, especially since half of those ‘special’ people who ‘work for us’ in Washington are ‘gay on the side’… is that in most places in the US a gay couple can’t even adopt. Well, maybe there aren’t any laws banning it unless you’re in Arkansas, or was that Alabama and what’s the difference? Even so, they’d rather place a waiting child into the hands of a 100-yr-old couple who cane youngin’s at will.


This…


…And this could happen to a child near you.

Yes, maybe some do deserve a good caning. 99% probably need one, but try telling that to a social worker. Seriously though, no kid should ever, ever have to change a bedpan…

When using the word ‘gay’ I’m talking about men of course. Gay women can go to a sperm bank so I’m not even acknowledging them here. I just think it’s so totally unfair. Plus, I’m not related to any gay women so call me biased if you want. It doesn’t change the inequality.

Gay people are just like us. Except they’re gay, which a lot of people get hung up on because according to their bibles they’ll burn in hell right alongside everyone who lies, cheats, steals and listens to extremists. I think what that means is when the world ends the entire city of Washington, D.C. will turn into a giant lake of fire and everyone tuned into Rush Limbaugh will suddenly feel their heads explode.

I know it’s up to each state to decide whether or not to allow or ban a gay couple from providing just as much love as a straight one to children who truly need it. So I wish they’d come to their senses and look at it from a logical perspective. Why must the bible always be used as a divisive device when there’s so much we could learn from it? To be more specific, it clearly states in Revelations that in the year 2012 Washington, D.C. will turn into a lake of fire and Rush will reveal to his listeners he is the son of Lucifer himself causing heads to violently explode. Then, according to the mother of one of my daughter’s friends*, Yellowstone National Park will erupt and destroy us all.

*Ask your kids what they’ve heard lately at school but sit down first.

Of course before that happens, President Obama (who was in Hawaii hosting a party for his party) will lead his followers to the new city of Jerusalem where Senator Max Baucus will finally be free to dance in the daisies and put flowers in his hair. But not before letting everyone know he still opposes gay marriage, adding he just doesn’t think it’s fair to ban it.

So Montana Max will still be one of many confusing Democrats, but since he’s taken more pro-Israel PAC money than anyone it gives him a free pass to enter the city of gold. What I mean is, since he’s been such a huge supporter of Israel he’ll breeze right in while Rush burns for all eternity… the fact that Max has received well over $319,000 in his career from those contributions alone is just a side note.


How much to get Maxi out of the closet?

By now you must obviously be wondering how Oct-O-Mom fits into all of this, so I’ll briefly drop the silliness and even the sarcasm. If Nadya Suleman really wanted everyone to leave her alone she’d give up the babies and a few others for adoption. Her kids would be happy, the public would be happy and the media would temporarily melt into a pool of tears. Wouldn’t it be for the best?

The only downside is gays still can’t adopt but if they could just rustle up a shit load of money for the right people or lie on the application… Well, I’ll always be an optimist.

Educational TV is scary stuff

When I was channel-flipping last weekend I tuned into part of a show on the History Channel called Last Days On Earth. It was about various ways we humans could be entirely killed off, smoted, whatever you want to call it. I usually avoid these types of gloom and doom shows. Who wants to hear about disaster scenarios that are beyond our control?

For example, if the super volcano in Yellowstone Park decides to erupt and my gas tank is full and we are informed within the hour then we just might get out of here before our lungs fill with ash, but I really don‘t like to ponder these things. I think that spooky show was on the Discovery channel two years ago, but it takes time for me to heal from that kind of trauma. The only pleasure I get from it is knowing if it happens I’ll have a free pass to drive 80 mph in a 25 mph zone. I’ve always wanted to drag race down Main Street but you know, there’s the po and tickets, and pedestrians. The great thing about it is the sheriff and his deputies would be long gone by then, so if I hit someone I really wouldn‘t have to stop. I could even rob a church on my way out of town. It wouldn’t really be robbing, it would be helping them do their job. I just know churches are all about giving, caring and sharing. And while I’m there I could say a quick prayer and be forgiven for hitting the pedestrian. It’s all good.

But what if we didn’t make it out alive? You see? Horror movies with chainsaws are much more pleasant than half of the mind-numbing craziness they pump out on these channels.

I tuned into Last Days On Earth during number four in the countdown. It was about the earth getting hit by a giant rock falling from outer space, and it didn‘t look very friendly. They say there is no way the human race could survive if a giant 6-mile wide asteroid hit earth, and it’s possible one like that wiped out the dinosaurs. The asteroid itself would be so hot that by the time it reached our atmosphere, anyone who is able to see the thing would be instantly burned, extra crispy. Well, ‘vaporized’ was the word they used, but I‘m not trying to scare anyone. And upon impact it would start a magnificent firestorm that would burn up the entire planet (well, that’s what they showed in the animation).

I take comfort in knowing NASA is hard at work at this very moment, looking for all 900 dangerous asteroids that would sting and possibly wipe us out, because they’re NASA. Don’t worry, they plan on finding all of them by the end of 2008. And even if they don’t, at least we know there aren’t any asteroids on a path toward us right now, so there’s really nothing to worry about.

But what if there were something to worry about? Before I switched channels they posed a question to some people they had brought into the studio. They may have been wannabe celebrities, but I think they found them in a Starbuck’s. They asked them what they’d do if they knew one of these humanity-killing asteroids was headed toward earth. One woman responded by saying, “I know this is going to sound selfish but I haven’t had any children yet, so I’d like to have a kid.”

???

The answers that followed hers -- I don’t even remember - when I heard that one it knocked my socks off. I mean, come on, I know some stupid people but even they would have more sense than that.

Then a serious looking gentleman said, “I’d have a kid.”

What? Two of them? I think this level of stupid needs to be smacked down with the world’s largest clue pan.



Okay, I think I can see their point of view now. Children are just accessories.
Childbirth isn’t quite as painful anymore thanks to epidurals and surrogate mothers. Having a kid isn’t a big responsibility thanks to grandmothers and day care centers… and nannies. So if a giant rock is coming to destroy earth they can breath easier knowing that chances are, they won’t have to deal with the nuisance of a screaming child when it happens.
Forget what I said about Starbuck‘s. These people must have been wannabe celebrities.