Thank you Grandpa, for everything

Grandpa’s dead now… Well, since Christmas Eve he’s been dead for two years and I'm just now beginning to accept it. I hope I go out like he did - in my sleep. I know, boring as hell, but if it’s on Christmas Day at least I can haunt my descendants a little (the ones who remember me) on what is supposed to be a happy holiday. Christmas Day, Eve - what’s the difference? He couldn’t have planned it any better than that. In fact, without even knowing it he may have been trying to steal the baby Jesus’ thunder. And how can you knock a guy for inadvertently trying? Of course that’s speculation but it’s true he wasn’t a big fan of the manger, or to be more specific, anything religious or even slightly Catholic-y.

Yes, dying in my sleep in my seventies on Christmas Day is exactly how I want to go. Once you hit 80, how can life be any good? A typical day for me at that age would probably consist of coughing up blood, writing a few crappy lines about the “good ole days” right after swallowing a bunch of pills, cursing out the neighbor kids, inspecting my poop and then sleeping for 16 hours. Whoopee!

Grandpa went out right. It was the right time and the right way. He was getting too old to keep driving, let alone keep kayaking the rapids. All he did was worry me the last six years of his life anyway. When thinking about my own children and grandchildren I think six years of stress would be sufficient.

But really, as great as it seems I wouldn’t have to die on Christmas Day. I’d settle for any holiday just as long as I have a few grandkids around to make my own children feel guilty for not spending enough time with me when I was an old maid. Just because they’ll have their own lives is no excuse for the inevitable neglect. Someone has to call them out, even if it’s in advance. Guilt is what makes a family go round. And if anyone should feel guilty, how is that my fault? We all have our share to carry. Some of us just choose to ignore it.

So as I was saying four paragraphs ago, Grandpa’s dead now, but in an attempt to find some kind of wisdom to pass on to my sons (who are turning 17, 16 and 15 this year) I’ve been looking back at his life. I think it’s my own way of dealing with the fact that I can’t call him up and ask, “So what the heck do I tell these hormonal punks?”

As it turns out, the life he lived is a gold mine of valuable information. Here is a tidbit of what I’ve told my sons: Be careful who you help out. Rescue a dog and you’ll have a faithful friend. Rescue a hooker and she’ll stab you in the back. The beautiful ones you always seem to lose.

Okay, that last line is actually from a Prince song but that doesn’t make it any less true. And this has nothing to do with Grandpa (or Prince) but I’ve also warned, “You’ll need a f**king army or a crazy bitch to stop one. Don’t call me!”

I guess in a few years they’ll already have learned this stuff on their own. Who ever listens to their parents, anyway? Oh... No… They’d better not call me!

Finally, I don’t want to get mushy or anything and you probably can’t read this but I’ll always love and miss you Grandpa. Thanks for everything.

Dear John...

This is Elizabeth’s fake reply to John’s fake letter as posted here.

Dear John,

F*** YOU. This is all on YOU. Did you honestly think the truth would never come out? Seriously? Did you think for one minute you could not only cheat on me, but then just as easily chase me out of your life? Ah yes, that would be the icing on the mother f***ing cake.

You can plead ‘til the worms are slithering through your rotting corpse. I’m not going anywhere, babe. Not without a cage match to the death, you miserable man-slut.

I really do hate to rain on your parade, especially under the circumstances. You poor thing, you. What with all of the pressure, and the media exposing your lies... And now people are saying that bitch’s baby is yours too. I just can’t imagine what THAT must be like. BOO HOO.

You've really blown it, Johnny. I’ll never let your sorry ass off the hook. You’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your pitiful and pathetic life. Now I’m even more determined to keep my cancer in remission. If it comes back I'll fight it with a vengeance, only so I can give back all you have coming. Thank you for that.

Oh, and I WILL make your life a living hell. I'll be right by your side, haunting you at every turn. You phony, rotten, arrogant, deceitful, egotistical, slithering, back-stabbing, weaseling, lying, whore-licking, AIDS-sucking, cheating bastard!!!

Forever yours,

Elizabeth