Merry Xmas from The Hoff and Sharon Osbourne

Numero Uno, and that means first and forelymost, I ern’t drunk. Mm kay? If you ern’t drunk too, wave your finger in the air. C’mon! I’m doing it! Wave your finger in the air like you don’t… give a rubber duck. That doesn’t rhyme with finger but you know. That’s how you, you party without - erp! Esscuse me… won’t get dizzy. Sharon? Where’s Sharon? Oh, there you… hello. Minnie You. Let’s get somethin straight before we even get gone. Going. I’m the mothafockin Hoff. Man. Ladies. Sexy men who… girls? Here’s the thang. Poppy don’t drink. Poppy for sure don’t pop. Nothin. No time. And why would I do both for that flyin high the kids all… what? Why are we here? Hiccup! Right, and thank you Sharon. Twelve Steps of Xmas. A little ditty I wrote on the back of a bottle of… NO, a napkin one night. It smelled. Maybe me, NO. But… butt… ba-wa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Silence. I was thinking. No, pondering… the pain and suffering. In this… my own backyard. I like to call it’s a place I… to get deep. Call it… why candy stripe it, man? You know? It’s the world. My backyard. I’m… yawning. Sharon Osbourne, sing. Rest your shoulder under my head.

Ha-ha-ha! I mean, Ho-ho-ho! I’ve got shoulder pads on tonight so Honey we are set! Hoff, you look sooo delicious. I could lick Cool Whip off places without wearing a blindfold. Ooh! So edible! Studmuffin, I can’t sing like my babies. No one’s hung over, but I brought a choir. They’re going to sing the song the little elves in your head told you to write. I know all about those little buggers. I went through this at home just last week. Noo! It wasn’t me! Rest your head on my chair while they sing, Sweetie Pie. I’m off to find some Cool Whip. Tee-hee-hee! Come on, Minnie Me! Of course! Mommy knows how to share. Yes! You’ll get some licks in too!

The Twelve Steps of Xmas, written by The Hoff one night in a dry bar right after he watched The Santa Clause and didn’t hide anything in his pants that may have resembled a bottle.

In the first step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
The power to admit, my life is total shit.
In the second step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
Belief that the powers, will make me smell flowers
And admitting my life is still some shit.
In the third step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
The will to give myself, to Santa and his elf
Believing in his powers, looking for the flowers
And admitting life is some rotten shit.
In the fourth step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
The strength to search within, not the house for gin
The will to give myself, to Clause and his elf
Belief in the powers, still looking for the flowers
And admitting my life is hard core shit.
In the fifth step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
Orders to confess sin,


To Santa…


And to Tim
The strength to search within, not for tonic and gin
The urge to give myself, to Clause and that elf
Believing in my powers, to find pretty flowers
And admitting life is dumb stinky shit.
In the sixth step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
Elves with knives on top-a-me, doing a lobotomy
Confessing all my sin, to Santa and Tim
The will to look inside me, not to burp up whiskey
The sense to give myself, to Santy and that elf
Believing in my power, to pluck every flower
And acknowledging that life is shit.
In the seventh step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
I think it was some humbling, or maybe he was bumbling
Crazy elves on top-a-me, doing that lobotomy
Confessing my sins, to Santas and Tims
Sense to search inside, for the booze I never hide
Hiding myself, from that dirty little elf
Gathering my powers, plucking pretty flowers
And believing that life is f**king shit.
In the eighth step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
An obnoxiously long list, of everyone I dissed
Santa started mumbling, all the while still bumbling
After the lobotomy, elves were still on top-a-me
Talkin bout my sinnin, to anyone who’ll listen
Searchin for my G-spot, dreamin of booze I ain’t got
Running like hell, from evil little elves
Feeling up my powers, boozing up the flowers
And thinking life is total f**king shit.
In the ninth step of Xmas my Santa gave to me…
A chance to make amends, with all my rotten friends
Using that really long list, of everyone I dissed
Santa kept on bumbling, so we started rumbling
Wicked elves on top-a-me, trying hard to stop-a-me
Lost all track of my sins, started eating shark fins
Then bought a log cabin, to put my whiskey lab in
Welcoming my powers, f**king all the flowers
And believing life is the f**king shit.
In the tenth step of Xmas that Old Man gave to me…
SinBooks software that tracks, all of my sinful acts
So I can make amends, with all my asshat friends
And keep a running list, of every one I diss
We went back to rumbling, then we started tumbling
The elves couldn’t stop-a-me, and Santa was on top-a-me
Soon the elves got crushed, and then Santa was hushed
I went to the funeral, Santa had run outta Yule
He sued me for a million, now I’m back on the gin
Now I know life is nothing but shit.

In the eleventh step of Xmas that Asshole gave to me…
Twelve feet of snow, a lover who won’t blow
How did I write this song, it’s way too f**king long
I am done repeating, I’d rather puke while eating
All I know is life is f**king shit.
In the twelfth step of Xmas, Satan Claws gave me…
I can’t even remember, ern’t drunk rest of December
And I really have to take a shit.

Twisted Lyrics: My Name Is Joe The Plumber

This came to me when I saw a McCain t-shirt on CNN that read, “My name is Joe the plumber.”

This is an obvious twist on Eminem’s song, My Name Is. I’m just having some fun and it won’t be long before everyone forgets all about this guy. I’m also a fan of Carly Simon but I couldn’t make this fit with any of her songs.


My Name Is… Joe The Plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Ah hem. Excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the press for one second?

Hi kids! Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick Palin’s nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly as I did?
Trick y’all and get f***ed up worse than my life is?
I don’t play straight, found a candidate to bait
but I can’t figure out why I owe $1200 to the state
John McCain said, “Joe you are a winner!”
Uh-uh. “You won the debate. Here’s your dinner!”
Well I pretend, I feel like I’m someone else
Cause I felt like a rich plumber cause that’s just how I felt
Got pissed off and ripped the democrat’s balls off
And smacked him so hard he went away crying, so I thought
You all should know who I am, my real name is Sam
I’m on McCain’s side and I don’t give a damn
I am Sam (We know your last name is Wurzelbacher!)
But please call me Joe, God sent me to be the plumber

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is… Joe the plumber

My fifteen minutes of fame sure aren't flyin by fast
Thanks a lot, I was just hoping it wouldn't last
But it’s okay that I’m on many buttons, McCain’s shown me lovin,
and even Sarah Palin gives me huggin (Wow!)
Showed up in the crowd, had my other face on
Surprised Obama, now do you all think I’m a con?
A registered voter, runnin with republicans
and the liberals are screamin at me: “Let’s just be friends!”
Ninety-nine percent of my life is just a dream
I just found out I need a license and I’m steamed (Damn!)
I told me I’d grow up to be a famous plumber
Make a statement about Palin love and try not to hurt her
You know you blew up when the McCain says your name
and the reporters flood your house givin you this fame
Barack at the debate asked to explain his plan
(Joe, can I speak about my plan?)
So I sighed, “Dear Barack, thanks for the support, Asshole!”

Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber

Stop the tape, this plumber is sick of TV!
John McCain, don’t just stand there, you’re the key!
I’m not feelin too good, cause the people do pry (F*** that!)
They’ll have to slap me on more t-shirts in order to keep my name alive
Am I Samuel or Joe? I can barely decide
I just might lose my self respect, dare me to cry?
All my life I moved from there to here
I have lived in Arizona, in Alaska for almost a year
(Whoops!) You know I’m the Incredible Joe
I’m in Ohio, and I’m the star of the show (C’mere)
When I was unknown I used to get so pissed off I would throw fits
How you gonna help, Joe Biden? You ain’t got no tits! (Wahhh!)
I have to get a plumbing license to work
What the hell happened? I’ll get you media jerks (Bang!)
I’m steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see Barack? (Yeah?)
Tell him that I kicked his ass, and my vote is locked

Hi! My name is… what? My name is… who?
My name is… Joe the plumber
Hi! My name is… huh? My name is… what?
My name is…



You can get your button at McCain's website...

I might have a good luck charm after all

I was looking at vacation photos a few days ago, and I noticed something in this one picture (in addition to the fact that St. Paul’s East Side is so scary now you never walk alone)...



I’m on the far left (in the photo and not politically speaking). You might think I’m going to point out the fact that I have no ass, or that my relatives are practically midgets. But the truth is when I first saw this I was thinking how much my aunt (middle) resembles a troll doll. Remember those toys from the 80’s? They were all the rage for a few seconds. And my aunt can handle being teased so I’m going to run with this. I’m not one to like to stop once I get started anyway. So I was thinking how cool it is to be related to a troll doll, because they are rumored to bring you good luck. I think you’re supposed to rub their hair, but in the case of real live troll dolls I think just being related counts. Here are the facts:

· My engine fire was eventually going to happen due to the gas leak, and it could’ve happened out in the middle of nowhere on I-94 on our way to Minnesota. Instead it happened in town at a shop with a fire extinguisher nearby. That’s good luck.

· I could’ve been out hundreds of dollars going through Enterprise or some other rental place that feigns customer service (that’s another story I prefer to forget) but one of my friends loaned us her SUV for cheap. That’s not friendship per say. It was luck she was in a bind at the right moment in time.

· My sister and her husband decided to keep their dog I had planned on adopting, which made our previous agreement null and void. This saved me from having to be the one to tear up the invisible contract (we didn’t have room in the SUV for him). Since I like to keep my word (I try) this saved me from having to break my promise. No one wants to be the most hated person in any one family, and I could’ve been. Whew, that was close. Thank goodness one of my uncles still holds the title.

· When I was kayaking for the first time in something that was basically an oversized bath toy, I didn’t flip over and drown. That is some luck. Yes I can swim. Just hear me out. I happen to believe if you fall into deep water with a life vest on, you won’t be able to swim to save your life. The life vest gets in the way and keeps you from being able to move in the water like a normal person, or an otter. You’re just a buoy. Eventually you’ll wear yourself out trying to stay afloat by constantly kicking your legs and feet. Then you’ll get a leg cramp. Meanwhile, the vest has been slowly filling with water as it’s been used so many times by other lake goers it has holes in it that aren’t visible to the naked eye, so you sink and drown. I know it’s irrational, but I dare you to try it sometime. *Disclaimer: I never said that.* Not to mention the lake was so full of weeds they were practically poking up past the surface. They’d probably speed up the drowning process by a good 95%. And I could just imagine trying to climb back into the kayak and then flipping my buddy right into the water with me. At least I wouldn’t drown alone. That’s a plus. By the way, none of this has anything to do with me flipping over in a canoe on a field trip when I was a kid.

So now that I’ve thanked my aunt for giving me all of this good luck, I want to kick it up a notch.

When I was four and learned how to write words that were kind of spelled correctly (not really), my aunt lived right next door to us. She came over quite often and inspired me to write a song one day. It went just like this:

“What’s the matter with you
What’s the matter with you
What’s the matter with you
Because, I just want to know”

It’s far from creative, but at least I learned at an early age I wasn’t going to make it as a songstress (new word - it’s like seamstress only it’s not). I can’t sew either, and that’s why it just… makes sense.

Twisted Lyrics: You're So Gay

Disclaimer: With my shenanigans on my blog I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone.

This was inspired by Carly Simon’s tune, You’re So Vain. If you don't know the song, don't even bother reading this. And I realize my grammar sucks but I don't care.

You’re So Gay

You walked into my mom’s house
Like you were walking into your place
You stumbled and tried to seem responsible
Whiskey all over your face
You had one eye on my mommy, as
You got up in my space
And I was too drunk to see you were a dumb ass
You were a dumb ass, and…

You’re so gay
You probably think that I’m homophobic
You’re so gay (you’re so gay)
I’ll bet you wish I was homophobic
Don’t you? Don’t you?

I moved in and we moved along
I didn’t know one damn thing
Just like a mushroom you kept me in the dark
Only saw your ding-a-ling
It took me too long to discover
You thought you were a king
And, that I was just a mat on your door step
Mat on your door step, and…

You’re so gay
You probably wish I was homophobic
You’re so gay (you’re so gay)
I bet you wish I was homophobic
Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

And, I sure was just a mat on your door step
Mat on your door step, and…
You’re so gay
You probably think that I’m homophobic
You’re so gay (you’re so gay)
I bet you wish I was homophobic
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Well I hear you’re pounding some new young flesh, and
Thinking ‘bout tying the knot
And that you’re spreading some venereal disease
Although you’re so very certain you’re not
Well you’re in the closet all the time
And when you’re not you’re at
A clinic with your friend that cheap corner hooker
Cheap corner hooker, and…

You’re so gay
You probably think that I’m homophobic
You’re so gay (you’re so gay)
I bet you wish I was homophobic
Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?