2008 is over but the scandals aren't

It wasn’t a horrible year as long as I kept myself from watching the news. Well, it’s nice to think back to happier times like the presidential race, especially when it finally ended. Come to think of it, this was one insane year and instead of going away the scandals are intensifying by the day. Everyone has a scandal going down. I predict an even crazier year for 2009. Just wait until Bush and Cheney finish their book. O.J. Simpson’s publisher signed them for a memoir entitled, “If We Did Do Any Cover-Ups, This Is How We’d Do Them.”

I think Illinois has the biggest scandal of the year next to that slut who wants us to believe she’s such a crack whore she lost track of her own kid for an entire month. I guess she didn’t realize her daughter was missing until her period came again, and no one was around to take a beating? Truth is, I was hoping the discovery of the body would prove someone else did it, so I could sit back and watch Nancy Grace’s show get cancelled.



I like to stand on the side of justice, but damn. The woman has been pounding this thing into the ground with the spurs on her boots. It takes the fun right out of channel-surfing. It’s gotten to the point that my 7-yr-old daughter wants to know why this is still news. When a girl who likes watching movies over and over says a TV show is too repetitive, that girl is probably right. Just once I’d like to hear Nancy Graceful say something in a non-accusatory manner that makes absolutely no sense at all. A few drinks before taping a show wouldn’t kill her. In fact, running away from the Anthony case altogether would probably add a few years to her life, or at least take a few off her face. I’m sure before the spackling begins it’s a scary sight. I’ll keep her in my prayers. Some day she’s bound to screw up.

So little time, so much to spew. This was supposed to be about Governor Blagojevich but the story gets richer by the hour. I just can’t keep up. One thing I can tell you is he isn’t hiding out in a cave somewhere in Illinois. I really thought by now, you know…

Even after hearing his name all over the news for weeks I still can’t say it correctly to save my life. I should be on a short bus, but fortunately there’s no room for me. They’re all filled to capacity with those “special” people who are working so hard for America. There’s an army of short buses in Washington. They outnumber the cabs 4 to 1. And one of them went to Minnesota, only to be parked there for nearly 2 months now. The driver is really fatigued. At this point he doesn’t care who is getting on the bus. The meter’s been running so long, all he can think is either Al Franken or Norm Coleman owes him a HUGE stack of quarters. I hope they’ll have enough left over, but after the lawyers take their cut, I don’t know.

What I do know? The short bus always has room for one more politician. They’re all retarded. I’m still waiting for the governor of Montana to make good use of our surplus and send us all a nice fat check for sticking around. That’s right. We should be compensated. All of those traitors who left for higher wages need to be taught a lesson.
Come on, Schweitzer. Doling out the surplus could be one of those heart-warming scandals you rarely hear about. Since we still have no sales tax (and I love you for that) you can’t deny this estimated $295 million dollar surplus was amassed mostly from:

· The thousands of gamblers who frequent their nearest video poker machines on a regular (daily) basis, conveniently located a block away from wherever they reside. They’re everywhere - in bars, gas stations, restaurants, public schools… Well, maybe not the schools yet. It’s really a shame, and a dark cloud hanging over the Native American culture. It’s killing them that they don’t have dibs on the casino cartel like they do in Minnesota. How rotten are we? It’s all dirty money I tell you. And I wouldn’t mind getting back some of what my ex threw away in 1999. In his defense he thought Prince was right and we wouldn’t live to see the year 2000.

· How about those underpaid state employees? Sure, compared to your average wage they’re raking it in. And they’re pretty much the only workers around who get health insurance and paid holidays off. The rest of us slave away for peanuts, and forget about insurance. On second thought they’re getting too much. Let’s cut out their benefits. If I have to date a doctor to get a free exam, so should they. Not that I ever have, but it’s a nice thought and kind of kinky.

· The property taxes are so high, you need to contact NASA to see how much you currently owe. You have to do this twice a year and get the latest satellite image of your bill because the thing keeps moving further and further away. Everyone pays late. Over the summer some rich asshole attempted to pull a friend’s house right out from underneath her. She came up with the money in time but damn, she’s lived in that house her entire life and almost lost it. Unbelievably, she’s a teacher. The lesson: If enough time has passed and you have some extra cash you can take a house away from a poor family. Isn’t that awesome? Well, that and teachers will always be poor.

If the surplus were divided equally among all residents we’d each get $295 dollars. I know. That’s $1,475 bucks I could take from my children. What? They get enough as it is! You should’ve seen Christmas this year. Since we’re inevitably headed for a depression, I wanted to give them some good memories to get them through the hard times at the orphanage.

Oh yeah. Happy New Year!

Educational TV is scary stuff

When I was channel-flipping last weekend I tuned into part of a show on the History Channel called Last Days On Earth. It was about various ways we humans could be entirely killed off, smoted, whatever you want to call it. I usually avoid these types of gloom and doom shows. Who wants to hear about disaster scenarios that are beyond our control?

For example, if the super volcano in Yellowstone Park decides to erupt and my gas tank is full and we are informed within the hour then we just might get out of here before our lungs fill with ash, but I really don‘t like to ponder these things. I think that spooky show was on the Discovery channel two years ago, but it takes time for me to heal from that kind of trauma. The only pleasure I get from it is knowing if it happens I’ll have a free pass to drive 80 mph in a 25 mph zone. I’ve always wanted to drag race down Main Street but you know, there’s the po and tickets, and pedestrians. The great thing about it is the sheriff and his deputies would be long gone by then, so if I hit someone I really wouldn‘t have to stop. I could even rob a church on my way out of town. It wouldn’t really be robbing, it would be helping them do their job. I just know churches are all about giving, caring and sharing. And while I’m there I could say a quick prayer and be forgiven for hitting the pedestrian. It’s all good.

But what if we didn’t make it out alive? You see? Horror movies with chainsaws are much more pleasant than half of the mind-numbing craziness they pump out on these channels.

I tuned into Last Days On Earth during number four in the countdown. It was about the earth getting hit by a giant rock falling from outer space, and it didn‘t look very friendly. They say there is no way the human race could survive if a giant 6-mile wide asteroid hit earth, and it’s possible one like that wiped out the dinosaurs. The asteroid itself would be so hot that by the time it reached our atmosphere, anyone who is able to see the thing would be instantly burned, extra crispy. Well, ‘vaporized’ was the word they used, but I‘m not trying to scare anyone. And upon impact it would start a magnificent firestorm that would burn up the entire planet (well, that’s what they showed in the animation).

I take comfort in knowing NASA is hard at work at this very moment, looking for all 900 dangerous asteroids that would sting and possibly wipe us out, because they’re NASA. Don’t worry, they plan on finding all of them by the end of 2008. And even if they don’t, at least we know there aren’t any asteroids on a path toward us right now, so there’s really nothing to worry about.

But what if there were something to worry about? Before I switched channels they posed a question to some people they had brought into the studio. They may have been wannabe celebrities, but I think they found them in a Starbuck’s. They asked them what they’d do if they knew one of these humanity-killing asteroids was headed toward earth. One woman responded by saying, “I know this is going to sound selfish but I haven’t had any children yet, so I’d like to have a kid.”

???

The answers that followed hers -- I don’t even remember - when I heard that one it knocked my socks off. I mean, come on, I know some stupid people but even they would have more sense than that.

Then a serious looking gentleman said, “I’d have a kid.”

What? Two of them? I think this level of stupid needs to be smacked down with the world’s largest clue pan.



Okay, I think I can see their point of view now. Children are just accessories.
Childbirth isn’t quite as painful anymore thanks to epidurals and surrogate mothers. Having a kid isn’t a big responsibility thanks to grandmothers and day care centers… and nannies. So if a giant rock is coming to destroy earth they can breath easier knowing that chances are, they won’t have to deal with the nuisance of a screaming child when it happens.
Forget what I said about Starbuck‘s. These people must have been wannabe celebrities.