Nadya Suleman sleeps with stuffed animals

I’m not feeling bitchy or anything, I’m just bored. I originally wrote this a few weeks ago, but I’ve updated it in a couple of places with *asterisks*.

What happened to the good old-fashioned hot and steamy way of making a baby? In case you’re lost (crazy mom who pays for sperm) maybe you should go back to the Build-A-Bear workshop. I’m thinking she wouldn’t understand because her bed is filled with stuffed kitty-cats and assorted inanimate objects.

I’m talking about SEX. I’m talking about a woman getting naked with a man, and the chemistry is so WOW they can think of nothing in the heat of the moment but YOWZA… see, she wouldn’t understand.

If these are true sex fiends in the rawest form (and what’s so wrong with that?) they’ll soon have a tiny little version of themselves demanding constant attention for the next 18 years. Actually it’s more like 35, but who’s counting?


This college grad/fridge artist appreciates his mother’s cooking.

I’m not against sperm banks. It’s just I’d always thought they were for lesbians? Well? I can’t think of any other reason they should exist. But I can remember hearing something possibly 15 years ago about a handful of straight ‘mature’ women who for one reason or another were having trouble rustling up some quality jizz the traditional way. They thought having kids when they were all shagged out was the ultimate way to feel or stay young while making some use of an idle vag.

Idiots! Having kids is as anti-youth as you can get. It speeds up the aging process. You have a kid when you’re 20 and BAM! You’re 30. Just like that. Having a kid is not something to put off until you’re 40 people! But enough about procrastinators. This is about Nadya Suleman.


She makes Angelina Jolie look… nearly harmless?

She has some serious problems I don’t think even Dr. Phil could handle if he were a doctor. Having all 6 plus 8 more of her children with NO SEX is just the tip of the iceberg.

When the story first broke* it didn’t seem nearly as horrible. We couldn’t see her face. And it was reported she worked in the medical field, had a great salary and was living in a home her parents had bought for her. If a couple wants to help their responsible, hard-working daughter who loves kids and can afford to give her a house, then what’s the big deal? I thought not to freak out over some random woman having a shit load of kids at once.

*That story probably came from her PR lady, before she turned piss-yellow and quit recently. I guess she thought doing it pro bono would help drum up business, but in the end maybe she learned PR isn’t about being an outright lying bitch. It’s more like diminishing the negatives and highlighting the positives. Hulk Hogan could do better.

Now the story has taken a dramatic turn. Truth is, she doesn’t have a job at all and has been mooching off of hard-working folks while continuing to breed without the aid of a penis. And, Miss My-Womb-Is-So-Awesome-Men-Hate-Me is living with her parents too? WTF? All 9 family members crammed into a 3 bedroom shanty? So many questions I have! Well, actually just a few…

· When she was a kid, why did her parents insist on having loud, raunchy sex with their bedroom door open? It could’ve happened.

· Depending on the situation, why didn’t her parents either kick her out of their house on child number 3 or prevent her from moving in with them in the first place? So what if the grandkids are disabled. There comes a time when you need to explain to your grown child the concept of being an adult. It means in the very least if you lose your job and can’t support the kids you already have, you should stop having kids.

They could’ve packed her shit up, pointed her into the direction of a homeless shelter and kept the kids as collateral. She probably owed them a fortune at that point. But no, they let her and the 6 offspring live with them… I’m just saying, I think the cuckoo bird might not fly very far from the tree, which houses a entire family of cuckoo birds.

· Where oh where are they planning on putting 8 babies?* I guess the master plan consists of dresser drawers, cardboard boxes and incest.

*The true plan has since been revealed. She has a website (surprise!) and is accepting donations. No one saw that coming! And really no one but she is more deserving of the public’s generosity. It isn’t like the money would be wasted, since the nearest Child Protection Agency shouldn’t be preparing right now to swoop in. Maybe it’s not Texas, but come on now…

*And I hear Sarah Palin is happy she won’t be losing any of her website’s donors over this. But I just have to ask… Would Sarah Palin give you a kidney?

I wish I could be the one to tell her that she has no chance in hell of ever starring in a movie with Brad Pitt and then stealing him away. Sorry Nadya, but you will never make Mrs. Pitt the next Jennifer Aniston.

What if I’m wrong and she wants Angelina Jolie?

Either way, someone better remove her uterus, put her in a straightjacket, THEN explain to her how babies are made. Force her to watch celebrity sex tapes. (*Rather than starring in them - I just read her wiki page at the last minute here, and she’s received a serious offer to make a porno!) It could make Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson feel like their work was suddenly making a difference. (*Or if she accepts the offer and does porn herself she’d be teaching others, therefore righting all of her wrongs?)

Who is crazier… Nadya Suleman or Sarah Palin?

Two tips for golfers on defeating Tiger Woods

I usually have no trouble falling asleep. I just pop some DMB into the stereo, climax and then Dave’s soft and soulful voice does the rest. He should really put out a lullaby album. Just think of a stampede of mothers flooding Babies R Us for that CD. And I promise to never throw ‘climax’ and ‘babies’ into the same paragraph ever again, unless I’m telling you what’s wrong with buying sperm.

I wrote something over two weeks ago about the octuplet mom. It’s obnoxiously long so if I’m feeling bitchy soon I’ll post it.

Usually I fall sleep easy, but one of my sons got an amp for his birthday a few weeks back and chose to stay up until midnight playing his guitar. I’m not complaining. I enjoy it since his goal isn’t to wake the neighbors or make the dogs bark. It sounds good and makes me forget my trivial troubles. He has long since stopped playing and fallen asleep, and yet for some reason I can’t wind down. I’ll be fine since moms can run on only a few hours sleep. It all started 17 years ago with cries in the night, and that was me trying to mix formula properly with one eye open… anyway…

When I can’t sleep I read, and I noticed a story on my homepage about Tiger Woods returning to golf after an 8-month hiatus because apparently no one gives a shit about golf unless he is playing. And you know money makes the world go round (sorry kids it’s true). So let me get this straight…

The entire sport of golf as we know it is doomed unless Tiger Woods is involved? Who would’ve thunk? Surely not me, who can’t really name any other golfer off the top of my head other than Leslie Spalding, who will always be famous around these parts. So I came up with two half-assed tips for the others, the unknowns who really love the sport (is it a sport?) and can’t for the life of them get noticed thanks to the living legend who really doesn’t need the money yet keeps reappearing like he is Michael Jordan or something. Sorry Tiger but unless you appear in a movie with Bugs Bunny, have a song written for that movie by a child molester or have women guessing what kind of undies you wear, you are a nobody.

Yeah, who am I kidding? But I might as well finish this anyway.

Tip 1) Watch the movie Happy Gilmore. It is a complete how-to on rattling the star of the golf course. You know the only reason Adam Sandler’s character didn’t give up after being hit by a car was it would’ve entirely killed the ending. And not even Tiger Woods could pull off that dramatic win. You wouldn’t be able to steal his house, but if you bribed a heckler or a mental hospital escapee I’m talking real results. And how can Tiger Woods thinking about midgets save him?

Tip 2) Don’t read my blog. This is a stupid waste of web space. I could be sharing recipes or poetry, and here I am telling people to watch Happy Gilmore. I should be attacked by a mob of angry midgets or the entire cast of Wizard Of Oz right now…

Should we even care about golf? Or should we just zone out in front of the TV watching old movies?