IFAW Epic Fail: The Tiger Debate

Once upon a time in a land far, far away I foolishly thought I’d finally found that special dot.org which not only shared my love for the world’s helpless creatures but might also be backed by some common sense. After all, I’d never heard of IFAW (International Fund For Animal Welfare) provoking blind followers to throw paint or animal guts on people wearing fur…

Or to make love to vegetables…


There’s a cucumber joke here, I just can’t see it…


Once upon a time I also thought one voice could make a difference in a room full of dummies. Then I watched ten minutes of C-SPAN…

Once upon a time I also thought one voice could make a difference in a party full of dummies. Then I heard Nancy Pelosi speak and thought, Yeah…


After signing up for IFAW’s emails and reading them every blue moon it became clear I was very wrong. But I found them so amusing I couldn’t bring myself to unsubscribe. So now I take a few minutes to share the gist of an outrageous one I got a week ago that I actually read.

Subject (direct quote): Tell ABC and the Chinese Embassy to say “NO!” to eating tigers


Omigods! WTF is this about?


Body (summed up with their words but not direct quotes): ABC is irresponsible and crazy… John Stossel is dangerous… He said we should eat tigers… Express your outrage… Email 20/20 and the Chinese Embassy. Get these tiger farms shut down…


Time for a reality check!

A minute with google and I found John Stossel and Jeff Diamond's story which just happens to make perfect sense, and pretty much proves IFAW is an organization run by monkeys gone bananas for people who can’t think for themselves. Oh but they DO have a cute man helper, don’t they?


Work of art or 5 yrs without shaving?


So it turns out (and anybody who watched 20/20 on May 8th already knows this) John Stossel isn’t going to demand a tiger burger at Fuddrucker’s anytime soon. His whole point was if the Chinese were allowed to own tigers and raise them in captivity the chances are very good, perhaps better, they’d survive in the long run. And if the Chinese people just happen to like eating tiger, why shouldn't they be able to get it legally? It's not like they could smoke them... well, actually...

After all, buffalo ranches out West saved those juicy beasts from extinction. And yes, they are delicious.

King Interviews REO Speedwagon, Styx & 38 Special

The King is totally psyched! Our line-up is mind-blowing. Tonight’s guests are fantastically incredible performers. REO Speedwagon and Styx have taken a break from their ‘Can’t Stop Rocking’ tour. I guess they’ve stopped rocking just for me. Also, a special appearance by .38 Special… I can finally go to my giant head and retrieve some questions I’ve been sitting on for years, which hasn’t been easy. I must say, as relieved as I am to have my ass back where it belongs I will miss the familiarity of a certain smell.

First let’s bring out a group who is very near and dear to my heart. With like… 1,005 monster radio hits and such classics as Flash Tan Queen, Little Queenie and Keep Pushin’… This band needs no introduction. REO Speedwagon, come out!

What the… Sorry folks. They’re not here. Wait… What’s that? Okay! They’re out in the parking lot and we’re going live right now!




Da-dum da-dum, da-dah! I finally got on with the King! ‘Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Yeah.

The King is not amused! How did you get out of the garage? I thought it was locked…



I’m your genuine REO Speedwagon! Isn’t that what you wanted? C’mon now. Roll with the changes.



Looks like I’m riding the storm out. But… It’s a short one! So if you don’t take it on the run, baby… ‘Cause that’s the way I want it, baby… That’s right! You’re going straight to the auction block.



Awww, why you gotta be like that honey? Fine. Have it your way. It’s time for me to fly.



Damn straight. Get yo ass back home girlfriend! Now let’s get Styx in here and try to forget the last few minutes. Please, just try to forget.




Hey! We’re so happy to be here! We are Styx!



Nooooo, you’re not. You are definitely not Styx.



We nine glow sticks represent the current and former members of the most awesome and wonderful band Styx!



That is sooooo not right. Listen up chumps, that would make ten members altogether. Not nine! Ten!



Well, the Dennis DeYoung glow stick couldn’t make it. He’s in another world right now. A fabulous world filled with bright, hot lights… The briskly tantalizing and glorious sounds of giant synthesizers making sweet, sweet love. Did you know when synthesizers climax…



Where the F*** is he?



… We sticks are reborn and glow another five minutes. Geez… He’s at a Styx concert. Duh!



As long as you’re here and obviously fans, let me ask one thing before I throw you at the mercy of the kidlets. Back in 1997, a cult known as Heaven’s Gate poisoned themselves to join what they believed were aliens traveling in the wake of a comet. Some say your missing glow stick predicted this event with the song Come Sail Away. Dennis DeYoung… Prophet, or trippin’ hardcore nuts on the acid?



Holy fluorescents! What kind of question is that? It’s just screaming insane asylum…



And that’s where you’re going right now. Bye! Have fun with the kiddies! And I assure you they will never, ever be coming back. Why is this happening to the King? I have a face my mommy loves! And now I’m horribly afraid to call out our last guests. But I kind of, must… And why not shovel more worm poo on this rotting corpse of a show? So without further delaying my inevitable doom, .38 Special?




No need to be frightened, King! I’m just a sexy little thing looking for a place to rest my butt for a spell. See how good I look on your pillow? Keep me under here long enough for the brats to make a discovery and play a super-fun game called Wild West. I can’t wait until I’m in the hands of the lucky bastard playing Cowboy!



Well, anything is better than those phony Styx. What do I need to know? Could you make the King even more horrifying to women, children, hairless men and small animals? Would you be easy for the King to handle?



It’s really simple! Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.



Where the F*** were you on 9/11?