King Interviews Mrs. McCain

Welcome back, non-Kotters and hopeful Democrats. It’s been a while! When I interviewed Mrs. Obama we ran out of time and I promised to return soon. Well, I got kind of sidetracked. Before I reveal this next interview I should briefly explain my absence.

You may or may not know this, but I have a kid. King Junior is going through a rough patch in his life right now. You see, he thought it would be cool to smoke some weed. And smoke some more weed. And before long that wasn’t enough to get his buzz on, so he stole six of my beers and had a little party with himself. I knew this day was coming, but I thought for sure he’d puke up his guts and learn the hard way to just stick with the porn. Boy, was I wrong or what?! Anyway, he’s out of rehab now. I sure hope he can stay clean, but I have my doubts. After all, he’s five. You know what little monsters those kindergarteners can be! Whew. It’s gonna take some tough love in the form of shock therapy for this one.

But enough about the King’s problems and suches. It’s time to let you in on a little secret. I may seem pretty gay. In fact, I’m often misjudged by my extensive Barbra Streisand collection. Unfair! Barbra deserves to be loved! Truth is, I also have a huge crush on John McCain’s wife. Don’t believe me? I think a restraining order is proof enough. I know she often looks much older than her birth certificate states, but I still get goose bumps whenever I see her. Well, here’s the interview, for what it’s worth. And it's so short we didn't have time for any commercials...




Hiiiiiiiii, Mrs. McCain. Hiiiiiiiiiiii. Um, Mrs. Obama had to leave. She has kids, you know, and has apologized for not staying here to attack both you and your husband to your face. The network is disappointed, but I’m sure you’re relieved to hear it, and don’t really care about ratings either.




Um, hello?

Yeeeeeesssssss, welcome to the… the… showww.




You’re drooling all over your robe.




Ahhhhhhh, I see. Do you like robes?




I don’t see what that has to do with my husband’s candidacy.




Do you like my robe? I can remove it, if you’d like to try it on. Or, you know, if you want to have a peek at some prime beef.




What the- this is not what I expected!!!!




I’m out of here! Vote for McCain - because I’m filthy rich - not because you want to sex me up.




Can we continue this in private? Where are you going? I have a room. It has a star on the door! That means something, dammit! Oh goshes, I’m sorry! Come back! I’d like to make out - er, make it up to you!!!




Oh shit.

So, stay tuned and maybe next week we’ll reveal the final and extremely pointless interview with Mrs. Clinton and a surprise guest, which was recorded shortly after Barack Obama’s huge victory, when he won the nomination of his party and made history for being black. I mean, made history for- you know what I’m trying to say. Geez, why am I still here, anyway? It’s about time to go rescue the nanny from my five-year-old. Laters!

The dumbest thing I've heard to date

I love it whenever I hear a theory from some one who has no idea what they are talking about, and yet they believe in their own uneducated opinion 100%. I’m sure you know at least one person who thinks they have all of the answers but they say the dumbest things.

They are a walking encyclopedia of stupid, but they take themselves seriously.

Recently during a conversation with some one they told me that “smoking pot makes people cold hearted”…
…

What?

It’s been years since I’ve smoked a bowl so the first thing I wondered was, what brought this up? It just came up out of the blue, really, so it had me wondering if this person maybe thinks I’m into the stuff. Then I thought, nah, maybe this person just thinks I’m cold hearted. That would make more sense. So I kept quiet and listened for awhile as I was informed (by some one who knows everything) how people who smoke weed are uncaring, unfeeling, and downright cold hearted because that’s what marijuana does.

???

Forget everything you’ve learned about herbage from Half-Baked, Cheech & Chong, or even your own personal use. What are giggle fits? What are the munchies? This is big news right here - cutting edge information. I’m not just sharing this for my own satisfaction! You have the right to know these things.

“Smoking weed will steal your heart away. Hey hey hey.”

If Simon & Garfunkel can’t be trusted, who can?

You poor potheads, just look what you’ve done to yourselves. You’ve turned your souls into evil, heartless wastes of space.

Some one please save her from the evil!

Some one please save the city!

Some one please make them care!

If you like to toke and have young ones, avoid Nick Jr.’s Yo Gabba show at all costs. Be warned, it will make your doped up heads explode. Literally.