Down in three seconds

A lot of time has passed since this went down. Actually, it’s been months…

I still like to roughhouse with my sons on occasion, even though they’re teenagers now and could really take me out if they wanted to... I like to take advantage of the fact that they respect me enough to back off when I‘m obviously losing the battle, whether it‘s a pillow fight or a wrestling match. And I guess old habits die hard and I think I‘m better and stronger than I actually am. You see, roughhousing with the boys has always made me feel younger - even back when I was 21 (and wished I was 16). Well, now I’m 34 and even though I’m in good form I knew it was only a matter of time before one of them accidentally kicked my ass…

I had been listening to Metallica and was in a playful mood. I was feeling unusually energetic and indestructible, like I usually do when I’m PMSing. Add heavy metal to that and maybe you can see where this is going. The boys were in the kitchen raiding the fridge, and I was all wound up and in the mood to rumble with someone. I decided to go after the kid who is always roughhousing with his sisters or starting it with me, and he also happens to be the only son still shorter than me so, a fair fight is a fair fight. I figured it was his turn to be caught off guard.
It turned out that I had picked the wrong time to stir things up. Just a warning - if a teenager says he’s hungry and tells you to leave him alone so he can eat in peace, step away and save the fight for another time. Trust me on this one.

I ignored him and we started to tussle. I was attempting to get him into a headlock and he tried to knee me in the stomach to get away…

Well, I had originally thought that was what he was doing and didn‘t give it enough lift, but the truth is he was wildly trying to fight me off in any way possible without paying attention…

His knee went directly into my crotch, and I was down in 3 seconds.

1. “Ooooo, ohhhh.” That’s all I could say as I bent over.

2. I grabbed the counter, but couldn’t hold on.

3. I was on my knees with both hands on the floor, repeating the phrase “god, god”… and couldn’t move for a few seconds.

I was nauseated and getting sweaty. I tried to stand up, grabbing the counter again, and it was slow going. Meanwhile, my sons are standing around me in shock and complete horror and now that I think about it, the look on their faces - just priceless. In fact, the offending son will have to live with the fact that he brutally hurt his mom’s vajay not once, but twice in his lifetime.

As soon as I stood up I felt dizzy. Somehow I made it to the bathroom and my ears were ringing. I thought I was going to die! I’m not going to tell you what happened in there. After a few minutes I got my hearing back and made my way to the couch, where I stayed the rest of the night. I kid you not, I’ve never felt this kind of pain before, and I’ve been in plenty of fights in my day. Not even childbirth prepared me for this. I’m not one who likes to sympathize with males, but if this is anything close to what you men go through after a hit to the genitals, I certainly have a new level of respect for you. And I’ll never say that again, just to be clear.

Now that the lump is gone I can look back on this and laugh, because the one who took me down in three seconds was the last one I would have ever suspected. Needless to say, I don’t call him a pussy anymore…

There was that one time when he was a tot and got his dad in the family jewels during a roughhousing session. I laughed, privately, but karma must have overheard me. Payback’s a bitch.

And when this same son was in 5th grade he got hit in the nards by a baseball. Now I know why it happened.

Twisted News: A once terrorized community is safe

Monica Titsley of Fakesville, Phonyland was arrested over the weekend and charged with multiple counts of stalking, lewd behavior and disturbing the peace after terrorizing a community for months. She had allegedly stalked numerous unsuspecting victims.

“No one was safe,” said Tom Thumb, a local resident. “When she zeroed in on someone it was all over but the crying.”







Deputy Gilbert Gottfried, after posing with the perp on Saturday for a photo to be included in the Sheriff Times, pummeled Ms. Titsley to the ground and cuffed her. “You can’t escape now, Miss Blow Up Pants,” he railed, “and you’ll have to listen to me squawk like a disturbed and enraged parrot until you’re finger-printed and safely locked away in your cell. How you like them apples? Ack! Did you just try to give me herpes?”

On Sunday a press conference was held and the Sheriff of Phonyland spoke to a concerned crowd of revelers.

“Citizens of Fakesville, you can all live in peace once again. Monica Titsley has been captured and brought to justice. As most of you know, she has eluded authorities for quite some time now. She has used many aliases. She has moved around frequently by deflating herself and traveling with strangers she manipulated. Sadly, she has spread herpes to many.”

“When the first complaints were filed back in January our resources were limited. Then in March, complaints about the suspect began flooding our office. It was soon apparent we needed to put together a task force dedicated to finding her as quickly as possible, to ensure the safety of the public. Thanks to their efforts and a tip from an anonymous source, she was found hiding in a twenty million dollar pimped-out cave with Bin Laden. So, I would like to thank each and every one of them for helping us put an end to this out-of-control blow-up doll’s reign of terror."

"Pizza party at my place, seven p.m. sharp. Bring your own beer and blow-up dolls! Woo!”

At the party, a drunk Deputy Gottfried was spotted leering at a blow-up doll of Princess Jasmine. Aladdin, the cartoon character, found out and wanted to kick his ass. But Genie sang a really gay tune that distracted him. Aladdin became so confused he forgot why he was angry in the first place.