The star of the Republican ticket

She stole McCain’s wisp of thunder and since then has been some sort of puppet person. And according to recent polls, the ‘Palin factor’ has been working well for Obama’s campaign. Much better than Biden. However, I don’t think it’s fair for Palin to say she’s been hearing about Biden’s speeches since she was in second grade. So here’s a cheap shot for ya. I’m 35. She’s 44. Do the math. When I was in second grade she was busy getting nailed in the back seat of a Chevy.

I think Palin is just trying too hard at this point. That quip was an obvious attempt at impersonating Tina Fey that went all screwy on the poor woman. And when Katie Couric got up in her grill about her statement, she tried to pass it off like it wasn’t a dig on Biden’s age and said he was experienced three or four times. I guess Katie really threw her off there. Sarah got so confused she thought she was talking about McCain. Katie is really a bad ass. Anyone in her line of fire should be… scared?

If what America really wants is a dummy times two in office yet again, then elect me. My running mate will be my female dog, Sparky Churchill. That’s historic times two. Two bitches in office. So wrong it must be right? The dog is qualified in commandeering because she’s also named after the great Winston. What can I say. I just knew this day would come.

While Palin was on stage at the convention speaking to a semi-live audience of Republicans, she said if they just gave her a chance she could make them all fifty years younger. And the crowd went wild. There were canes waving and hair plugs flying. Exciting stuff there. Even Joe Biden flinched.

After asking that great question (back before she was actually chosen), “What does a Vice President do?”…

She has apparently been taking a crash course. The question is, will the course crash? I thought for sure it would when they took the teleprompter away. But now that they’re letting her speak on her own, the public is impressed that she can come across like she’s speaking on her own. Maybe they’ll let her talk to reporters some time in the near future for a few minutes, to prove she isn’t just a puppet in lipstick, but I won’t hold my breath waiting for a Sarah Palin news conference. Something tells me, even if he allowed that, McCain would be right behind her whispering, “No comment on ‘bridge to nowhere’.”

Did you know twenty percent of Alaskans hate her guts? You call them cheap shots. I call them fun facts.

Back to the convention… during her acceptance speech she announced she had put the governor’s jet up for sale on ebay. And she went city to city, and kept saying it like it was an awesome achievement. “I said I don’t need no stinking luxury jet! Ebay! Woo! Yeah! Ebay!”

She had me convinced. Convinced she’s addicted to ebay, that is.

Now she just needs to tell us all what she buys on ebay. This is what we really want to know. Who cares about political experience? Let’s talk online auctions, kids and lipstick. Better yet, she needs to sit down with Barbara Walters. That’s how you win an election.

Every great leader has had a love for auctions. That’s how Teddy got his guns. And that’s how Nixon got rid of those pesky documents. That didn’t work out too well for him. But Gerald Ford didn’t come around until he was his 90’s. And once he got started he couldn’t stop. He bought a steel building (on ebay) and used it to store all of his purchases. He was on the site every day, so he eventually ran out of storage space. And that’s when his heart gave out. It’s sad. His hand was still holding the mouse when they found him, face down on the keyboard. Then his wife had to auction off everything.

I wish I could relate to Palin, I really do, but among many things she’d have to suddenly realize the importance of Roe v. Wade and our right to privacy. As far as abortion is concerned, do you think someone like me with a bunch of kids has ever considered it? But it’s comforting to know the option is there. You take that away, and what’s next? Tampon machines in rest rooms? Noooooo!

But I still heart Governor Palin, because she’s a woman with a bunch of kids and a love for the elk jerky. With a little luck from the masses and a big kiss from heaven, perhaps she could become president some day. If she doesn’t want to wait as long as Bush Senior did, after “helping” McCain win the election she should keep praying to that Republican God, and maybe (if she prays it will be God’s will) the grim reaper will bump him up to the top of the list.

What? You don’t really think she has any strategy, do you? She IS the strategy.

Yes, it’s that simple. Some day she could be the first president to put Air Force One up for sale on ebay.

This could've been a really cool story

I’m trying to plan a vacation, and before every long trip I get the family vehicle readied for it. For me and my crew, driving is still the cheapest way to travel. And I’m sure the people on the bus will appreciate not waiting behind a line of kids for the bathroom.

It’s been two years since our last stint so I needed a lot of work done. I took the beast down to the shop Friday for a tune-up and oil change. I mentioned the muffler was smoking. I knew I needed a new one but have been putting it off since we usually don’t drive very far. It’s just a few blocks here and there. I also told them I recently started smelling gasoline under my hood and was worried there might be a leak. I trust these guys since they’ve been taking care of my vehicles for an eternity. They run an honest business, are semi-attractive, and make an effort to attempt to listen to whatever I’m saying.

When they were all done working on it they said the gas smell was due to the old muffler. That was odd, but good to hear. It seemed I’d be saving a little money. They referred me to the muffler shop, so I set up an appointment for Monday. Meanwhile, I drove the beast around town all weekend without any problems. Well, no problems other than the gas smell, smoking muffler and carbon monoxide poisoning.

I knew there had to be a reason for my goofiness. Now we know.

Yesterday was the first hot day we’ve had in a long time. It was around 80 degrees. After lunch I asked a friend from work to meet me at the muffler shop so I could catch a ride back, since the place is a few miles away. As I drove along I didn’t notice anything strange. But just as I pulled into the shop driveway to park, I noticed smoke. It wasn’t much, but enough to get my attention. I popped the hood and hurried around to investigate. When I got close enough to lift it I heard crackling noises and decided against it. It sounded like something was busy burning under there and more smoke was pouring out. So I ran into the shop and asked the two guys if they had a fire extinguisher. I told them I thought I had a fire! under the hood.

They followed me outside and Big Guy says, “Are you sure? It looks like steam. Maybe you’re overheating.”

He lifted the hood, and flames shot up. “Oh boy.” He turned to Old Guy. “Better go get that fire extinguisher.”

In a flash Old Guy reappeared, armed and ready. He muttered, “I hope I can figure this thing out.”

It took him less than a minute to pull the pin, point and shoot, and put out the fire.

My very first engine fire.

Looking back, it would have been something special if I could’ve been the one to put out that bitch, but Old Guy hogged all of the fun. And damn, that looked like a lot of fun. Right after he was done I saw him smile for a second. He even let out a little chuckle.

No fair! I have to pay for this shit, and I don’t even get to enjoy any of it?

So… what do I do now?

Well, I can assure you I’m putting ‘fire extinguisher’ on my shopping list. Never again will I let some one I don’t even know steal my fun away.

And this could’ve been a really cool story to tell the kids. It sucks that I can’t say, “The flames were shooting up from my engine - taunting me. I was all alone… Just me, the heat, and the possibility of massive explosions and/or certain death. Did I panic? No. I grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out that bastard. No fire is ever going to fuck with me, I tell you.”

But for now, sadly, I just don’t know what it’s like to operate a fire extinguisher and describe it in great detail.

So here’s the happy ending…

Big and Old Guys couldn’t take care of my muffler. They didn’t want to risk driving my vehicle into their shop for fear of more flames and whatnot (pansies). So I called the mechanics. Then my friend, who waited patiently through all of this, told me how much worse it could’ve been.

Well, she didn’t say she almost ditched me. Walking back to work and showing up even later is one way I could imagine it being worse…

While we conversed on the way back I told her the name of the mechanic who had originally worked on my flaming hell-beast, and found out she was kind of related to him. Awkward.

The mechanics couldn’t tow the smoky hellion to their shop until just before closing time, and it’s anyone’s guess when they’ll have it finished (for real). When it is finished, for real, I’ll have to dish out more (real) money. Awesome!

Then I’ll have to go back to the muffler shop.

This might turn into a week-long event.

I really need a vacation.

And a fire extinguisher. I think the first thing I’ll do when I get one is make a bonfire out of repair receipts.

"Just Say No" to your boss

It’s not easy for me to just say nay when my boss is in a tough spot. If I’m needed I can usually be counted on to nearly run myself into the ground for the company. But yesterday when I was asked if I wanted to work the substitute day off I was given for working through the weekend to cover for another employee, my aching body told me I needed a day to recover. So I turned it down. It was a tough split-second decision but I’m happy with my choice.

So today I was home with a sore back considering why I have such a hard time just saying NO. After some reflection and nearly shattering the mirror in the process, this is what I learned about myself.

I like the extra money… I like bigger paychecks. Sure, the extra money gets spent on things I wouldn’t need to buy if I weren’t working so much. Things like frozen and fast foods, and toys for the kids to ease my guilt.

But still, it looks good on paper and seems wiser (in theory).


I like to prove my loyalty. I don’t know why this is an issue with me. Why do I need to prove I am loyal? Isn’t the fact that I show up on my scheduled work days proof enough?

A boss has never actually said anything like this to me, “I don’t think you are loyal enough. Why don’t you prove it by working your days off this week. If you don’t, we’ll know you are nothing but a loose cannon.”

This is reality… My boss simply asks me if I can work and I say yes. Seriously, I need to grow a pair.


Most of my jobs have had room for growth. And I like moving up the ladder and getting the few more ounces of respect and pay that come with it, only to eventually quit because I have to move, or give birth and nurse a child for a year. Okay, that was a lie. I’ve never breastfed a child. I've tried but things didn't operate like they should have, and I still feel like less of a woman.

But this job is different - it’s a small business. There isn’t any promotion available that I’d actually want or need. I don’t want to take over while my boss is on vacation. She works from 8 am until 10 pm, seven days a week! What kind of life is that? I can’t see any real benefits from becoming boss number two, even if it is just for a few days. The hours I put in are enough as it is, thanks.

So now that I’ve realized promotion isn’t a factor here, I need to learn to implement “just saying no” more often.


I’m a nice person. I need to work on this before it kills me.


I have a fear of losing my job. I’ll start with the story of the last time I lost a job because it’s slightly relevant. Okay, it’s not really relevant at all. The true reason I fear losing my job is the fact that any work is hard to come by in a small town and I can't really afford to commute 100 miles per work day, but I really want to share this story anyway.

I used to work in an office for a guy who started up a small business, and it went very well in the beginning as far as sales go. But it wasn’t enough to support his family and cover the expenses so his credit card became his best friend. He ended up starting another business in a more profitable field and in the meantime ruined some important client relationships with the first one - not delivering the finished products on time. Running two businesses was too much for him as he couldn’t be in two places at once. It would take too long to train a new employee to do this specialized work, which was a difficult and dirty job.



I was only good at the secretarial stuff and (still) had no manly muscles, so I wasn’t a good candidate. The one guy he had spent months training became a party animal so you can just imagine what that was like. After losing clients he finally threw in the towel and gave up production. Since we had become good friends while I worked for him he asked me if I wanted the business in its new form. At this point he had already informed me he was shutting down the office, so I’d be losing $300 per week. I knew I had to find another job. But if I took over the business and ran it from my home, on the side I could make an easy $50-$100 on every sale (at least), so I thought I’d be a fool to say no. He signed it over to me for nothing and I became a dealer. Now that production was no longer an option, he sold the equipment and got a little money out of the deal.

So, the company that supplied the product to me for resale would now handle the production. This raised the final prices, and made it more difficult to entice customers. The market is an extremely small and competitive one in my area as it is. And rising fuel prices haven’t helped any as costs in the industry have gone up dramatically (rather than slightly) every year since 2004, which just happened to be the year I was handed this so-called business opportunity.

There have been some good times, though. I secured a client on my own for a couple of years and it helped pay some bills. But he was having too much difficulty turning a profit and it didn’t make financial sense for him to stay in it. Funny, I wasn’t making a killing either so I couldn’t lower the prices for him. It was fun while it lasted.

So instead of being a proud profiting business owner, I work another job and bend over on a regular basis for fear of losing that job and having to rely solely on my flailing business. What’s so wrong with kissing the ass of someone who is turning a decent profit and can afford to keep you fed?

Forget I said that. It could really be misinterpreted.


Has it ever been tough for you to just say no to your boss?

It looks like a wiener

Yesterday evening my daughters, ages 8 & 6, found an old pack of balloons somewhere in the house and were bound and determined to blow them up. While I was busy folding laundry in the same room I could hear the sounds of little girls without experience trying to blow up some very small balloons…

Whuuuh… whuuuh… whuuuh…

It was obvious they weren‘t getting any results.

Whuuuuuuuh… whuuuuuuuuh… whuuuuuuuuuuh…

Still, nothing.

I wanted to stay on task and get the laundry done and out of the way. It isn’t good having a huge basket of clothes sitting in your living room just waiting for someone to run into while they’re carrying a beverage or liquidy food item and not paying much attention, and then discover you have to rewash the basket’s contents when you still need to get a few hundred other things done before you pass out for the night. But I could sense their frustration. So what’s a mother to do?

I scolded them for getting into the balloons, of course.

I should’ve just ignored them. Their reaction, since Mom was too busy to take and put away the balloons, was to continue on with even more determination. And after about a minute or two, my youngest daughter began to shed tears, as if that was going to change my mind about the situation.

“I can’t do it,” she cried.

Okay, it worked. I sighed, and told her to keep trying. That made her cry even more.

“I can’t do it, I just can’t.”

She had pulled me into her corner and I was rooting for her, but now she was going to just, give up?

“Don’t be a quitter,” I said. “Keep trying.”

After a few more minutes, a breakthrough. They both had managed to get just a teensy bit of air into their balloons. Suddenly their sadness turned to smiles. Their disappointment turned into confidence. And before long, little balloons were zipping around the room. Ffffffffffffftttt. They kept blowing them up and letting them go. Oh, the fun. Oh, the amusement.

When I finished up my chore the younger one was holding her inflated balloon, preparing it for take off. It had now grown to a whole 4 inches long and 1 ½ inches in diameter. It had funny bumps in it after being repetitively inflated and deflated.

The older one looked at it and said, “It looks like a wiener.”

I said, “Hey - what?”

“What!?!”

She said, “You know, it looks like a hot dog after being cooked on the grill.”

“Oh.”

You CAN get some peace and quiet

There are only so many ways you can quiet down a child (legally). Here is how I’ve accomplished this over the years.

Candy
One night during the family reunion at least 16 kids were together playing in the living room and game room nearby and it got so loud we adults couldn’t converse (while sitting across from each other at the table) without shouting. So my brother Chris told them to be quiet. That lasted about 3 seconds. I think some of the kids even laughed at him, like, this isn’t even your house so why should we listen? Well, whatever. I stood up and yelled and everyone shut-up. Then I calmly told the kiddies if they could all stay quiet they’d get some suckers that Chris brought over.

Hey, they were on clearance so I understand. Why waste money on good candy? They are just kids.

I gave them a short lecture first, basically telling them I couldn’t talk with my bros and hoes unless they kept it down to a whisper. When I could see we were all on the same page I passed out the suckers and they put them directly into their mouths, so it was quiet for about ten minutes. I think that’s when my sisters and I went to the bar to get some peace and quiet.

When my youngest daughter Katy was a toddler she was a menace. She liked to play with noisy toys and hit her brothers on the back of the head with them when they were sitting in front of the TV. Actually, both of my daughters did that but I figured it was just karma for what my sons put me through. Anyway, I had a bunch of Dum Dums out in the kitchen and my sons forgot to put them away after they grabbed some. We were watching TV, and when I decided to go make some popcorn I found Katy on the kitchen floor, sound asleep with about 15 bare Dum Dum sticks all around her. That’s what I call a sugar coma, and although it happened by accident, as far as I know it’s a legal and effective way to silence an energetic child.

Pop & Energy Drinks
Liquid sugar combined with caffeine can work wonders. It only calms down hyper kids though, so if you give it to the wrong one he/she will probably start the neighborhood on fire with two sticks. Be very careful when you have Monster or Amp in the house with a quiet child around.

Art & Books
Kids are quiet when they’re being artistic. Get out the paper, crayons, markers, paints, etc. Some children love it so much they will become obsessed and you’ll soon run out of space to hang up their masterpieces.

That’s when you get a Magna Doodle. This toy kicks ass all over the Etch A Sketch. It kept my two-yr-old nephew quiet for a good 15 minutes. It also entertained one of my grown sisters, and… my 28-yr-old brother Chris.

Kids are usually quiet when they have a good book to read or just page through.

Work
Putting kids to work is a good way to get them out of your hair, and it also helps tire them out so they’ll go to sleep early and stay in bed until morning. If you have trouble getting your kids to do chores you can always threaten to take them to the creepy house in your neighborhood. You know the one - there’s an old man sitting on the porch in his rocker wearing a bathrobe. If there is no creepy house nearby you could just take away some of their privileges. They don’t really need a cell phone if they are grounded to the house now do they. You’ll save money while you punish them. That’s what I call F-U-N.

Video Games & DVDs
Every kid (or at least every household) should have a game system of some kind. This will tone down the noise level because they won’t be running around the house, and it should give you and your significant other a few minutes to have sex without those annoying knocks at the door. Every kid’s bedroom should have a TV set or monitor and a device that plays DVDs. Sure, just like with the game system it may raise your power bill, but think about your ultimate goal. You want uninterrupted sexual relations and a somewhat peaceful household, dontcha?

Cover the Mouth
When my kids were little and threw screaming tantrums I would just take my hand and cover their mouths. It was as simple as that. It usually worked, unless I got my hand licked. Then I would throw a tantrum and the kid ran away to hide, so I guess it did work after all.

The Corner
If the kids are fighting or you just want some peace and quiet, send them to the corner. Just don’t forget about them. I came home one night to find one of my sons asleep in a corner, and in another one a kid was almost asleep; their father was passed out on the sofa.

Spank their Buttocks
I’m pretty sure spanking is still legal in all states except California, but don’t quote me on that. Once a kid has been spanked you can use it as an effective threat to keep him/her in check. For example, you can say, Be quiet right now or I’ll spank your ass. Also, as long as you don’t spank when you’re angry it is a good way to bond with your child and make him/her fear (er, respect) you at the same time.

I hope this was helpful.