Twisted News: Pet Airways has Snoopy seeing $$$$$$

When I found this odd story on the wonderful world of web I had some trouble wrapping my mind around it. To me, the whole concept of pets flying on their very own airline seems a bit twisted. Or at least really bad timing. We’re in a recession and the human airline industry has suffered but, what the hell! They must know we’ll give our pets the very best. That’s why when I travel I leave my dogs with a greasy 18-yr-old homebody, hard up for a twenty dollar bill and all the food he can scrape off the bottom of an oven (before he comes over - his parents pay him to leave now).

On July 14th this ‘first of its kind’ airline will make its long awaited debut and begin flying what I assume will be the favorite children of America’s rich and famous. So if it wears tailored clothing it’s welcome. *Here’s where you imagine a poodle in a pink $200 sweater that fits oh-so-nice. Or you could go with Michael Jackson’s chimp in an altered toddler tux and cufflinks. The possibilities are endless.

Prices start at $149 for a one-way ticket. So it looks like my puppy Sarge, nicknamed Shredder, has less than 3 months to get his shit together (his act - he has nothing left to pack). On July 11th he’ll turn 1 yr so it’s not much to ask. This extremely cute Retriever has not behaved in any manner consistent with his handsomeness. He’s cost me hundreds in chewed-up bras, appliance cords, dog house, etc. What’s another $149 bucks? Who wouldn’t want to play a game called Who’s The Next Sucker?

I just want him to stop with the bipolar bit. He’s not fooling me. I know he’s crazy ALL of the time.

Flights on Pet Airways will be available in New York, Denver, L.A., Chicago and Washington, D.C.! Lucky Obama family. When their tootsies get sore from all that chewing they can ship off US Treasury Secretary (who doubles as President of France) Timothy Geithner for a weekend. Their new puppy Bo could accompany him, just to keep a watchful eye.

Washington D.C. - you couldn’t pick a better location. I know whenever I think ‘menagerie’…

If you thought perhaps you could fly with your pet - the good news is, you can’t! So don’t worry. No one will be expecting that of you. The only things allowed for the ride that are remotely close to human beings are the strange creatures they call Pet Attendants. It's a tough job but they know all the pertinent languages like Cat, Dog and Dead Goldfish.

Still interested? Do your pets have their own booster seats at the dinner table? Do you ever push them in a stroller? Then this is what you do. You leave your precious pooches at what the airline calls the Pet Lounge. So tell them to leave their wallets at home or bring their best poker faces. It’s the Pet Lounge. That’ll grow ‘em up in a hurry.

A Pet Attendant takes them to potty a couple hours before boarding, which makes me wonder. How does this work at an airport? What can I say. I live in a world where animals do their business outside. And I haven’t had to use the facilities at a Pet Smart. It was weird enough sidestepping dogs, water bowls on the floor and as I was leaving - hearing a clerk’s answer to my joke question, “Anyone ever bitten?”

“Just once, at least while I’ve been here.”

Pet Smart? Oh-kay.

Dumbfounded, I left with eyebrows slightly raised. Around here when a dog bites it bites the dust. Literally. It doesn’t get that second taste of human flesh. We kill it. But what can you expect from a city that lets a dog attack his neighbor twice? Yep, that city also has a Pet Smart. So that settles it. I’m not going back. At least I’ll never have to find out if their restrooms have sandboxes.

So, back to the news that would have Snoopy and his poodle bitches partying in first class if Charles Schulz were still alive (but he would call them ladies). The attendant, much hairier than your average stewardess, sits with your pet the entire flight and caters to its every need. Well, maybe not every need and I should hope not.

I’m wondering, if it gets too noisy or there are species wars, do they use certain tactics like playing the movie Madagascar 2 (the one where the plane crashes)?


Random Poll: Would you use this airline service for your pets?

A) Yes! What a creative way to (once and for all) lose Spot.

B) The ‘not knowing’ seems dreadful and bullets are much cheaper.

C) Would be too much trouble; my pet’s name is on the watch list.

D) I don’t have any pets. I really like polls and I’m pissed that this isn’t interactive. I like to watch the results appear before my eyes and see how my answer compares to others. WTF is this? You lazy bitch.

The Chinook winds of change

Overall the economy has been doing alright in Montana and the job market in Billings is still strong, but it’s clear that some retail businesses are feeling the pain of declining sales. There were some layoffs at a few places and this is probably a sign that some real changes are coming ‘round here.

First up on the list we have Krispy Kreme. Warning: what you're about to see may burn.




FYI, donuts do the same thing to men. So how can I feel any amount of sympathy for Krispy Kreme. Boohoo, KK. Only good can come from this. I’m tired of seeing mountains of flesh wherever I go, so maybe this is a sign that the average citizen will soon be safe to bump into, and perhaps even be easy on the eyes. And if the Big & Tall stores have layoffs it would be a real cause for celebration. I’d definitely be at the lake this summer without the kiddies (wink).

Next up on the layoff list we have Ben Franklin.



No, not the Ben Franklin. It’s a craft store. I wouldn’t be surprised if the real Mr. Franklin’s bones rolled over in his grave when the first store was erected nearly 100 years after his death. The man is on the hundred dollar bill and was a scientist, inventor, writer, and played an important role in our nation’s earliest pages of history, among other things. I’m pretty sure, no, I’m positive he didn’t spend his down time knitting sweaters for troops or cross-stitching maps. To put his name on a craft store is downright disrespectful. It’s almost as bad as slapping the name of a good state onto a girl who can‘t sing or act in order to help make her into a star. So the truth is, I never liked your store, BF. Feel the winds of change. Bask in the breeze of profit loss. In the meantime I’ll brace myself for the inevitable. Your former customers are sure to take up less costly hobbies, such as nosing around into the business of their neighbors, and casino hopping with the hopes of winning a few bucks to give a temporary boost to their low self-esteem from years of turmoil and torture from the opposite sex. Well, I’ll brace myself for the nosy neighbors.




It doesn’t surprise me at all that the Wells Fargo Banking Center had to lay off some employees. They have higher fees and a greedier, snottier atmosphere than any other place I’ve ever banked at. Now I’m going to swing off the local branch for a moment, and look at the company on a larger scale. Their Wikipedia page says they are “respected for its policies and management which have kept the company away from questionable business practices which have hurt the reputation of many of its competitors”… and they can say this because Eliot Spitzer never accused them of doing anything illegal. But when it comes down to its customers, and even its shareholders, it’s no secret they cheat and steal. My stint with them lasted a whole six months, and I was a happy bitch when I left. Good luck, WF. I predict as more people shop around you’ll have to eventually pack up and leave Montana altogether. Buh-bye! I won’t cry. And by the way, Mr. Spitzer couldn’t possibly be in anyone‘s back pocket. He’s not going to be poking around pockets or pleasure holes for a while if he‘s learned anything, so good luck with that side of it too if you have anything to hide from the world.

And last but surely not the least, we have Sutton’s Sportswear, a wholesale embroidery and printing company. This one came as a shock because they’ve always done well. The big surprise was a whopping 47 people lost their jobs this week. I know it’s not a big deal compared to other places in the country, but this is not the norm here. We don’t have much for manufacturing plants in the state, which makes for cleaner air and whatnot, but it also means we‘re far removed from the pain that others in the nation are feeling. But if this layoff is a peek into the future of Montana’s retail sector, it may be a wake up call for us to consider when we cast our votes here this fall. Personally, I think we need a president who is supported and promoted by more than just a man-maid, offspring or housewife. And I don’t know if any of these points have been made yet, but we need a president who can actually hear the phone ringing at 3 a.m. We’re all gonna be screwed if the morning that call comes in is the same morning a battery in a hearing aid decides to go kaput.