When I fill up I won't be thinking about Kucinich

Dennis Kucinich came to me in a dream and said, “Look at these gas prices! Don’t you think it’s odd - the closer we get to Election Day the lower they go? Don’t you see what’s going on here?”

Then three gigantic men in shades, suit jackets and Speedos came out of nowhere and grabbed him. They slapped duct tape over his mouth, forced him into a straightjacket, threw him into the back of a van and took off so fast I could actually taste gravel. Yum. Then I awoke to my 3-month-old puppy licking my face and mouth. Needless to say, I felt like I got gypped. I was always under the impression, if a dog sucks your face while sleeping aren’t you supposed to dream it’s someone hot and horny, and not dirt hitting your face? Stupid dog. You sleep alone tonight.

The guys who hauled Kucinich off were wearing candy-striped Speedos, so does that make them gay or me gay (for having the dream)?


Isn't watching this after my daughters have left the room somehow okay?

It makes me a dimwit (and there are many layers here). I’m thinking no one in the gay community would be caught dead in candy stripes. Something tells me they’ve been trying to take out Richard Simmons for years, but he’s a sniper’s worst nightmare. (Stand still, dammit!)

This whole candy-striped thing has me in a tizzy. It really killed the sharp-dressed image my subconscious was trying to achieve with their suit jackets and dark sunglasses. So I think I should throw out the Disney movies and tell the girls the puppy chewed them into oblivion. Better yet, I’ll just put one in his food dish every day and call it redemption for loosening up my shoelaces (they always seem to unravel when I’m at work and on the stairs). Well, that and the chewed up internet cords (do they taste better than other cords?), making me scrub the carpet, and I can’t forget the unwanted face bath. I don’t know what’s worse - the fact that I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on Disney movies since my kids could see, or that my puppy chews on shoes and licks his balls before kissing me.

So that was one crazy dream/nightmare/make-out-session-with-my-dog. But concerning recent gas prices, I’d be the last one on earth to complain. They’ve been falling like they can’t get up. We went from $4.10/gal to $2.45 in what seemed like just a month. In fact, I’m getting excited right now wondering how low the price might possibly drop by Friday. I’m stuck with a gas hog at the moment, so for me, checking out the latest smoking hot price on the gas station sign has been just like a hot stud talking dirty to me.





Each time I drive by I wonder, Is today the day I’ll finally stop and let loose? I’ve still got enough to last another week, but I’m telling you, it’s taking all of my willpower to keep from hittin’ that. When I do prime the pump I want to make it worthwhile, so I’ll be filling up until it can’t take no more. And when I do give in to my desire, will I grab the pump slowly and savor the moment? Or will I rush right into it - stuff it in and squeal in delight with each gallon that enters my tank?

We’ll see. For now I’ll be holding out as long as possible. Nothing like letting the excitement build. But when I do it, I’m hoping everyone at the station will be inside the building or fighting in their trucks. I’d like a little privacy.

Are you sure?

I caught the last few minutes of an infomercial Saturday night that got my attention due to its originality and catchy beats. What was the product I saw that is giving Richard Simmons a run for his money? It was a hip hop fitness DVD set and let me tell you, I was really (not) impressed with the fact that a corporation is using an entire genre of music to line their pockets. Although I must admit I’m happy the sweaty guy in the candy-striped shorts (that make grandmothers and Dave Letterman blush) has some real competition.



You go, BEACHBODY! With a business name like that, and a super sweet name for your product like this, people should easily trust you with their hard earned cash. Or actually, their credit cards. Oh, never mind. It’s not like those ever get paid off anyway.

Look at Shaun T. The guy is smoking hot (and I must confess the true reason it got my attention). But as you should know by now, I like to point out the obvious. He has rock hard abs!! And is extremely sexy. Watching him flex his well-toned body made my little lady downstairs speak. She said, “He is so much hotter than Phil Collins.”

And to think, all he does to look this good is spend a little time dancercising every day?!? Unbelievable!!! Throw out your weights and take your exercise equipment to the dump, ‘cause there is a better way to look like a God or Goddess. In the five minutes I spent watching the ad (that ran for approximately 30 minutes), Shaun T. and his bubbly girlfriends showed off a bunch of fresh and funky dance moves that made Madonna look really, really old. And very, very white (no matter what ethnicity she’s currently claiming).

Watching them all hip-hop-ercise was motivating, but did it make me want to buy the DVDs? No. I wanted to run out to the nearest happenin’ nightclub, which is about 1,000 miles away (but so totally worth the drive), to try out these new moves on unsuspecting drunken males. It made me want to jump around and/or get down, and other things like that. It made me want to buy more revealing articles of clothing, and get a boob job so I have something to jiggle.

If you’re trying to sell an exercise DVD set, are you sure you want to spend a half hour showing off the dance moves you’re trying to sell? Are you sure? Because I learned more in those few minutes than I ever did in any nightclub.

I think I just need to set the timer on my TV so it will automatically turn off at midnight. Where is that damn manual?!?