Trump Speaks To Republicans In New Hampshire

People of New Hampshire and the rest of the important states… like Iowa…

Nobody here from Iowa? I was told there would be. Hmm. Obviously someone needs to be fired. Well for those of you here, I want you all to listen very carefully. I’m only going to repeat this possibly one hundred times in the next few days on any outlet I can muscle my way into.

Do I have your attention? Listen, you people- I’m SO serious. Turn off your phones because what I have to say is a thousand times more important than whoever could be calling or texting you in the next few minutes. Let me put it this way… if I don’t get your full attention, you’re fired. Trust me, I will find a way.

Are we ready now? Good. First off I want to talk about Obama in the poll I conducted in the Trumpousine on the way here. I asked all my people this: Do you believe Donald Trump was indeed responsible for single-handedly getting Obama to finally release his long-form birth certificate.

Okay I admit, it wasn’t really a question. But they all quickly and enthusiastically answered with a firm, ‘YES.’

That is, all but one. And do you want to know why I’m going to tell you this? Because hopefully we all can learn something here. This person had the audacity and misfortune of being of the alien species known as FEMALE. And whatever she said isn’t important or relevant since I could never relate to her anyway. SO. I said to her, ‘You’re fired.’

SO. As far as the birth certificate goes, it’s like this… Trump: 100; Media: 0; Obama: -1,000; Alien chick: -900.

Money-money-money-money… money!
Money-money-money-money…

Oh. Excuse me for just one sec. I gotta take this. Be back in one sec.

Thanks for waiting twenty minutes. I’m really glad because I’d hate to have to fire any of you. I really appreciate you saving me those calls.

Now I want to talk about jobs, which is my strength. It’s true, I own a lot of businesses, but I alone can’t hire all of the unemployed. Besides, we all know I’m not the problem. China is the problem. Trump is the solution. We have to Trump China. There are many ways we can do this that all begin with the letter Trump. SO. Let me tell you my first idea for what will eventually come to be known as, Operation: Trump China.

We raid the Wal-Mart stores, gather everything up and ship it all back to China. Then we employ kids right here in America who want to work, but can’t get any jobs thanks to all the illegal aliens that Obama brought here. It’s the perfect solution. We hire kids from say, ages ten to fifteen, to make clothes and ashtrays while their lazy parents stay home on their asses. No more unemployment checks. The budget is happy, the parents are happy and the kids are happy they get out of school early. Next thing you know, China is bowing to me- I mean, US. They’ll bow to us and come crawling on their knees, begging for mercy. And I’ll just pull out my finger and point at them and say, ‘You’re fired.’

Now it’s… Trump: 10,000; Media: 0; Obama: -100,000; Alien chick: 10, because now I recall she was very attractive and maybe that’s why I hired her.

SO. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah jobs. Blah blah BLAH blah blah blah blah blah Blah. Blah blah blah liberals, and Blah Blah blah blah blah. Because I just can’t believe blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, thanks to Obama. Blah blah blah blah BLAH is blah blah blah blah blah blah this country.

SO. If you only remember one thing I said today, remember this… I never said Republicans were too crazy for anything. The media, CNN especially, just hates me because they’re jealous I have a TV show that’s a thousand times more popular and entertaining than any of their lame shows, now that Larry King is sipping wine on a nude beach. The only time their shows aren’t lame is when I’m on them. I’m the ratings juice. I’m the O.J. of politics. Why? I’m tangy and delicious and good for this country.

Barack isn't just Biden his time

It’s hard to believe it’s finally over. And I was surprised we had a clear winner on election night. No hanging cads, lawsuits, or turning to relatives who just happen to be governing a contested state. Jeb who? Exactly.

In fact, right after Obama won I had mentally prepared myself for the Republicans to come back with a big, “Oh no you didn’t!”

Thank God that didn’t happen. Everyone hates it when the rich try to act ghetto.

It was an exciting night, and refreshing to see so many happy faces on TV. Well, except for Oprah.

And Sarah Palin. For some reason I expected her to grab the mike after John McCain’s thoughtful speech and say, “It’s not over yet America. We haven’t even made it to the swimsuit competition!”

Maybe it was the tears in her eyes, I don’t know.

Now that we have a new President working in the wings and giving the world hope, I couldn’t help but notice this past week the minorities have been out and about. It’s cool that they’ve come out of hiding.

There is only one Asian guy in my town. Just one. Sad but true. Welcome to Central Montana. He is a friendly and nice guy and everyone likes him but he’s very soft spoken. So I couldn’t believe what I witnessed in the grocery store the other day. He was standing at the meat counter, literally yelling his order to the butcher, “Yes! Three pounds! Ground beef! Thank you very much!”

It’s heartwarming to see such confidence. I assume this is taking place all over America and Kenya. It’s too bad we can’t bottle up this morale, put a big bow on it, and give it to Bush as a going away present.

Twisted News: Obama's endorsements defy laws of nature

It all started when Hillary Clinton, after fighting like mad for the Democratic nomination, came out at the convention with just as much fervor to concede and throw her weight behind Barack. When asked why she was so willing to discard her pride and step up for this shocking display of unity, she replied, “Any night I can piss off my husband is a good night.”

That same night Bill Clinton was overheard saying, “I love the guy. Why else would I be so supportive? I don’t need my wife to get a piece. Consider that when you’re in the voting booth.”


Another shocker was just last week when General Colin Powell, a Republican, came out of the closet on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’ to endorse Barack. While speaking to Tom Brokaw off-camera, he said, “Back when I was for the war I was really against it, but it was the most popular mind-set. Do I regret it? Of course. After eight years of Bush in the White House, am I ashamed to call myself a Republican? Naturally. I just went out and a bought a blue hybrid, a blue beach house in the Bahamas, and a great set of books for my young grandchild based on the TV show, ‘Blue’s Clues’. I’ve even got bluebirds and a donkey in my backyard now.”

Then Tom said, “You’ve been privately supporting Barack for months now. Why wait so long to make it public?”

Powell replied, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s pretty clear he’s the most popular candidate.”


Fast forward to this weekend. The Anchorage Daily News is the state of Alaska’s largest newspaper. Unbelievably, it was reported on CNN and internet news sites that the newspaper has publicly endorsed Barack Obama. When asked why they weren’t supporting a McCain/Palin White House, they came out with this statement…

“We are grateful for everything our sweetheart, Governor Sarah Palin, has done for Alaska and its citizens. We would love nothing more than to support a ticket with a VP candidate who governs our great state, but…

Seriously? For real? You’re kidding, right?”


And the last we will report on (but not the least) is the man who came out to shock the world as one of Barack’s strongest supporters, Joe Biden. It was leaked he will be chosen as People Magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. The editors have fallen hard for him, and stated the following reasons for their choice.

“He swallowed his pride when he accepted Barack’s offering to become the VP candidate. In the past he’s ran for President not once, but twice. That is some ‘heart-melting humility’.”

“He survived a near-death experience when an angry McCain supporter broke into his house and clubbed him in the head with a baseball bat. That is some tough. And not long after that, America’s favorite gaff machine was back to display his ‘irresistible sense of humor’.”

“He is a ‘rock solid family man’ which makes him very appealing to the ladies. Any old white guy who can make a young black woman throw her panties with abandon is incredibly sexy.”

McCain attacks Barack Obama, and it smells poopy

Now that it’s official, McCain is wasting no time attacking Obama any which way he can, which is in the rear since McCain is behind him in the polls. It turns out Obama has a fundraising friend who was convicted yesterday of fraud and some other things, and now McCain is using this as an opportunity to imply that he wouldn’t be a good President based on this friendship. Actually it was the Republican Party’s national committee who were responsible for the negative statements, but it’s probably not a stretch to assume McCain is pulling the strings or at least having a good evil laugh over it. I could easily imagine him stabbing an Obama voodoo doll in between its cloth buttcheeks for some reason. Back when this issue first came up, Obama donated more than $150,000 raised by the friend in question to charity. I guess McCain and his friends can’t find anything of real substance to use against him. When I look at it that way, the whole thing is pretty damn amusing.

I live in a town where most of us know each other, so life would be very different for me if everyone judged me by my friends. I wouldn’t have any friends if that were the case. For example, I have a couple of friends who smoke pot. Now they try to keep it on the DL, but it’s impossible because word gets around. It’s almost as if everyone in this town knows who made a poopy and when they did it. Personally, I don’t care what my friends do when I‘m not in their company. Their poop is their business. But let’s just say for the sake of comparison that they decided one day to start throwing poop at people. And that this went on for a period of time without me knowing about it. Random poop attacks in the night on passersby. And let’s say I found out when they were eventually arrested for their poop rampage. How can I, a law abiding citizen, be held accountable for their poop? That would stink.

Let it rain, let it pour

Is it raining where you are? It’s been raining and drizzling here all week long. I haven’t seen the sun shine since Monday, so when it makes a big comeback the shock to the system just might kill me. I wait with anticipation.

It always rains on Memorial Day Weekend. Only this year it started even sooner. Good thing my ex was wise enough to plan the big yearly camping/fishing event for the following weekend. I mean, good thing he has to work Memorial Day this year, for the children’s sake. They really rough it out there so I hope the weather is nice. Hopefully this time around they won’t come home drenched right down to their underwear, with bags of sopping wet clothes. The smell is enough to knock a grown man to the floor, let alone little ol’ me. And as for me, I can’t be away from civilization for nearly a week. I would go effing nuts without a shower, internet and soft place to lay awake nights wishing I could sleep. I have to admit, though, one night away from the hubbub of my home would be a nice getaway. But after that first night it’s just like Chinese water torture. Well, that is old and extremely outdated (replacing “Chinese” with “Guantanamo”).

I’m not complaining because we desperately need this. I guess I can tolerate puddles and mud everywhere if it means there’s a chance of not having another horrible fire season. We’ve had a drought for years now. I think it could be traced back to when Bush was first elected, but the last thing I want is angry Republicans getting all up in my space (sarcasm). I swear it gets more and more like California here every year, but our fires don’t seem quite as bad to the public. We don’t usually have national news reporters crawling around on the scene, broadcasting the sights, and the sounds of locals describing in great detail how they couldn’t save the chickens.




Poor chickens, their lives were so short. They barely lived.




This is a backfire, proving that evil really can be fought with evil.




This fire is still fresh in my memory. Two summers ago it burned for a few days before it was contained. I want to give props to the Volunteer Firemen (and others who came in to help). It’s good to know my donations weren’t piddled away on beer and poker games. Thank you all for giving us our highway back. It’s our only connection to the real world. Without it we are lost - just simple valley folk mumbling to ourselves about how times were so much better in the old days. Wait… We do that anyway.

Remember when we could drive twice as far on a tank of gas?

Oh yeah, those were the days.

Remember when mescaline was all the rage, and we could run naked in the hills without a care?

Oh yeah, those were the days.




Remember when 38 Special was a cool band?

Oh yeah, I’m sure glad those days are behind us.