LeBron James Speaks To Team Mates Post Game

No need to thank me, fellas.

Yeah, I said I was sorry for using the R word but, c’mon… you know that was sincere.

The truth is not Paul Pierce. The truth is, I lost my patience with that dumb ho.

Give me a break! Playing dirty? What fool in their right mind would question one of my bros like that? And she wouldn’t shut up! She just kept rambling on like an idiot!

So. Of course I didn’t mean for that word to slip out, ‘retarded,’ like she had special needs or something. If that were the case, she’d be entirely innocent but, there are reasons we don’t allow people with special needs to question us after games, right? Ha-ha-ha…

So. Why do we even allow bitches the privilege of interviewing us?! We need to go back to the good old days, when only men ventured out where they belong. When women knew their place, and stayed there, god dammit!

You know there IS the WNBA. Ha-ha-ha… yeah. I think all the female reporters who care about basketball should mosey on over there, and leave us alone! Only men understand just how hard we play. And only a man can understand another man‘s pride, so they ain’t gonna ask us any stupid questions.

Bitches need to back off! And stay out of our locker rooms too, god dammit!

How did that girl get in here?

Aww shit.

Trump Speaks To Republicans In New Hampshire

People of New Hampshire and the rest of the important states… like Iowa…

Nobody here from Iowa? I was told there would be. Hmm. Obviously someone needs to be fired. Well for those of you here, I want you all to listen very carefully. I’m only going to repeat this possibly one hundred times in the next few days on any outlet I can muscle my way into.

Do I have your attention? Listen, you people- I’m SO serious. Turn off your phones because what I have to say is a thousand times more important than whoever could be calling or texting you in the next few minutes. Let me put it this way… if I don’t get your full attention, you’re fired. Trust me, I will find a way.

Are we ready now? Good. First off I want to talk about Obama in the poll I conducted in the Trumpousine on the way here. I asked all my people this: Do you believe Donald Trump was indeed responsible for single-handedly getting Obama to finally release his long-form birth certificate.

Okay I admit, it wasn’t really a question. But they all quickly and enthusiastically answered with a firm, ‘YES.’

That is, all but one. And do you want to know why I’m going to tell you this? Because hopefully we all can learn something here. This person had the audacity and misfortune of being of the alien species known as FEMALE. And whatever she said isn’t important or relevant since I could never relate to her anyway. SO. I said to her, ‘You’re fired.’

SO. As far as the birth certificate goes, it’s like this… Trump: 100; Media: 0; Obama: -1,000; Alien chick: -900.

Money-money-money-money… money!
Money-money-money-money…

Oh. Excuse me for just one sec. I gotta take this. Be back in one sec.

Thanks for waiting twenty minutes. I’m really glad because I’d hate to have to fire any of you. I really appreciate you saving me those calls.

Now I want to talk about jobs, which is my strength. It’s true, I own a lot of businesses, but I alone can’t hire all of the unemployed. Besides, we all know I’m not the problem. China is the problem. Trump is the solution. We have to Trump China. There are many ways we can do this that all begin with the letter Trump. SO. Let me tell you my first idea for what will eventually come to be known as, Operation: Trump China.

We raid the Wal-Mart stores, gather everything up and ship it all back to China. Then we employ kids right here in America who want to work, but can’t get any jobs thanks to all the illegal aliens that Obama brought here. It’s the perfect solution. We hire kids from say, ages ten to fifteen, to make clothes and ashtrays while their lazy parents stay home on their asses. No more unemployment checks. The budget is happy, the parents are happy and the kids are happy they get out of school early. Next thing you know, China is bowing to me- I mean, US. They’ll bow to us and come crawling on their knees, begging for mercy. And I’ll just pull out my finger and point at them and say, ‘You’re fired.’

Now it’s… Trump: 10,000; Media: 0; Obama: -100,000; Alien chick: 10, because now I recall she was very attractive and maybe that’s why I hired her.

SO. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah jobs. Blah blah BLAH blah blah blah blah blah Blah. Blah blah blah liberals, and Blah Blah blah blah blah. Because I just can’t believe blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, thanks to Obama. Blah blah blah blah BLAH is blah blah blah blah blah blah this country.

SO. If you only remember one thing I said today, remember this… I never said Republicans were too crazy for anything. The media, CNN especially, just hates me because they’re jealous I have a TV show that’s a thousand times more popular and entertaining than any of their lame shows, now that Larry King is sipping wine on a nude beach. The only time their shows aren’t lame is when I’m on them. I’m the ratings juice. I’m the O.J. of politics. Why? I’m tangy and delicious and good for this country.